EDITOR’S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 3111, 29 October 1913, Page 73

EDITOR’S WALLET.

Sharper Ilian He Looked. The proprietor of a menagerie issued a placard offering £2O to anyone who would enter the cage of the lion. Towards the end of the performance a rustic walked up to the liomtarnor and said: “Sir, I have come to earn the £20.” The audience was horror-stricken. The tamer replied, with a derisive sneer, “So you want to go into the lion’s cage? ’ “Of course,” said the rustic. “Come on, then. I will open trapdoor for' you and you can step in. “Well, yes,” answered the countryman, turning to the audience with a broad grin on his face, “I am going in, but the beast will have to come out first. You know the paper only says anyone going into the cage shall have £2O. ’ Preliminary Bout. “What is going on?” asked the terrified stranger in Central America. “Revolution,” replied the man in the uniform. “Who is the leader of the rebels.; ‘‘Don’t know yet. That s what this fight is about.” Proof of It. A certain celebrity found himself at a city banquet next to a portly alderman. “My grandfather knew Napoleon, said the latter to the distinguished guest. The Emperor g<a*vc him a lovely snufi-box. i here is a hen on the lid.” “Dear me!” replied the celebrity. But it is probably an eagle, - not a hen. “No, it is a hen,” persisted tire aiderman, producing the box from his pocket, and proudly displaying the initial N of the Emperor’s name in brilliants on tne lid. Taking Down the Yank. An American was Americanising in a loud voice, and instructing a Scotsman m the way he should go. But the Scotsman, to judge by his expression was not taking the lesson very much to heart. ;> “Wo have the finest men in America, twanged the Yankee, “in the world ! . “Mcbbc,” replied Sandy. puffing his pipe. “We’ve sent some fine laddies out there frae Scotland.” ~T , . “You didn’t send out George Washington, I reckon,” retorted Uncle Sam, the man who is the keynote of our national character to-day, the man who couldn t tell a lie.” , , , a “Could he no’?” asked the Scotsman. “Mon, there’s no’ muikle to boost aboot in that. Now, we can lie here in Scotland —but we won’t!” Keeping It Up. Charlie was the cashier of a country bank. He and May were engaged to be married, but a quarrel separated them and the ring was handed back. “And remember, please. May added, “that when next we meet we do so as perfect strangers.” , A few days later May entered Charlie s bank and presented a cheque for payment. Charlie took the cheque and examined it critically, and then, instead of cashing it, he handed it back, “I’m so sorry.*’ he 6Q.id, but it s against the rulos of this bank to cash cheques for perfect strangers. Y"ou must find someone in town to identify you.” Always the Risk. Norah and Dennis were two small Irish children, who had been imbued with such an idea of heaven by their strictly orthodox grandmamma that it was in their view tho least desirable of places One day Norah was in a towering rage with her brother, at whom she was storming with full Celtic ardour. . Subsequently she pulled herself up and said: “But I must calm myself or I shall make myself ill, and then I might die and go to heaven.” Her governess, who entered the room nt the moment, said coldly and severely: T don’t think there ie much chance of that. “Ah, but,” said Norah, “there s the risk.” Wealth in Rags. Mick Quirley and an acquaintance were standing “gosthering” on the country road, when Tim M'Spalden drove past “in as nate a thurnout as ye’d see inywheres.” “Who moight that smig-lukin’ man be now?” inquired Mick’s acquaintance. Mick: “Begorra, Jimmie, yes wudn t belavc that man was nt wan toime in me own knowin’ jist as poor as Oi’m mesilf. He’s made al! his money daelin’ in rags.’ Jimmie regarded his clothes for a moment, and then, as if suddenly inspired with an idea, exclaimed : “As long as Oi’m aloivc, Oi’ll nivir wear a daccnt coat agon; ’(is bound till be unlucky when yoz zee •what rage kin do.” Running and Butting. William Jennings Bryan once visited Cornell University, and while being entertained to dinner by a prominent member of tho legal fraternity he told the following story:“Once out in Nebraska I went to pro-

test against my real estate assessment, and one of the things of which I particularly complained was assessing a goat at 25 dollars. I claimed that a goaf was not real property in the legal sense of the word, and should not be assessed. One of the assessors, a very pleasant-faced old man, very obligingly said that I could go upstairs with him. and together we would look over the rules and regulations and see what could be done. “We looked over the rules, and Anally the old man asked: ;;;i> oe 8 your goat run loose on this road?’ Well, sometimes,’ said I, wondering what the penalty was for that dreadful offence. “‘Does he butt?’ again queried the old man. L ‘‘‘Yes,’ I answered, ‘he butts.’ Well,’ said the old man, looking at mo, ‘this rule says tax all property running and abutting on the highway. I don’t see that I can do anything for you. Good day, sir.

Scottish Farm Servant's Wit. Scene: Feeing market. Farmer: “Wid ye like tae fee?” Halfin (a halfin is a grown man): “A never liket it, but A suppose A’ll hae tae dao t. farmer: “Fut like siller -wid ye wint?” Halim : “The same kin’ o’ siller as ither fow-k, gin there’s ’ anengh o’t.” Farmer: “Can yo brak dung wi’ a man?” Halim: “Faith, A never tried it. A’ve aye been in .the wye o’ using a graip.” Farmer; “Are yo ill tae please w? maetr - Halfin: “A widna need tae bo, gin A want a fee.” Farmer: ‘Cun yo eat kail, and cabbage, and neops.'” Halfin: It s a rabbit ye’re needin’.”' Farmer: “Dan-ye work an orra beast?” Halfin: Oh, aye, gin it's nae ower orra; • - Farmer: “An’ foo muckle wid ye need?” Halfin; “Fifteen poonds in 'the haufyear. Farmer; “Fifteen poond! Mon. ye’ve nae hair on ye face!” Halfin: ‘ Din it s hair ye wint, ye'd better hae a nanny goat.” . [No business done.]—World’s Work. Two of a Trade. During the football season a waggish man who was short of cash entered a bar and asked for a glass of whisky. “Did you see the last Cup-tie’ final?” he asked the barman. “No, I did not,” replied the latter, who was a football enthusiast; “but I’d have given five pounds for the opportunity.” “It was a wonderful exhibition,” the first man continued, sipping the spirit. “You certainly missed a groat game.” The conversation was continued for some time; and finally the satisfied person started for the door without paying for his refreshment. “I beg your pardon,” the barman called after him, “but didn’t you forget to paymo ?” “Why, no,” the other laughed. “I paid you five minutes ago, but I fancy you were too excited to notice it.” The barman scratched his head. “I guess the laugh’s on me all right,” lie said. “When I talk football I forget business.'* The trickster left the bar, and soon met a friend, whom ho told of his experience. The upshot of the matter was that the friend also entered the bar, intent on duplicating the other’s success. The barman drew the whisky for him, and then the football conversation was bogun. The enthusiasm of the barman had not lessened, and soon the two were in a heated argument on the merits of the game and' the players. After some minutes liad elapsed the man who had ordered the whisky walked leisurely towards the entrance. “Say. my friend.” the barman called, “you didn’t pay for that drink. Another chap came in here a few minutes ago, engaged mo in an argument on football, and then said that. I was too excited to remember when he paid me. I’m inclined to think he put one over on me.” “I’m glad you mentioned the matter,” the joker replied, returning quickly to the counter. “Now that I think of it, you forgot to give mo the change for that shiV ling I gave you a few minutes ago."