FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 3105, 17 September 1913, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

“Why";” at the wrong moment. “Life is a puzzle.” says a writer. Yes, and one we all have to “give up.” She: “Oh, let us dance the next. I cannot stand sitting.” Ho: “Who can';” —To love many women is educative. It teaches one what to avoid.

Truth may at last prevail, but it js often eclipsed by misrepresentation. “May I ask you how old your wife is?” “Certainly ! You may ask her, too, if you wish.”

“That a fine chauffeur you’ve got.” “I should say eo. His fines last month were £40.”

Manager: “Did you collect that bill from old man Long?” Collector: “No; ho was in, but he was out.” “There is a story in that woman’s face.” “Yes; and she made it up, too.” Lady: “Can you cook on an emergency?” New Servant: “No, mum, but I can cook on a gas stove.” Bix: "I toll my wife ail I know.” Dix; “Yes, she told my wife that you hardly say a thing to her.” “Yes, it took me three months to learn all about this motor cycle.” “And what have you got for your pains?” “Linament.”

“Waiter, this coffee is nothing but thick, liquid mud:” “Yes, sir—certainly, B : r! It was ground this morning!” She: “Wo women are all misunderstood.” He: “Well, you never saw one who tried to make herself plain, did you?” Nellie; “What's chaos, Johnny?” Johnny: “Chaos? Oh—er—yes—chaos is a groat heap of nothing and nowhere to put it!”

Reader: “He tore his hair and rent the air.” Rube “There you arc! Wo even have to rent the air now ! I’m for Socialism.”

“What’s the trouble at your house?” “Hunger strike for a new bonnet.” “Your wife refuses to eat?” “No; she refuses to cook.”

your class, Miss Pedagogue?” School Teacher: “Yes; one of them has good manners. ”

Mrs Fidget: “What’s that noise I tear down in the library?” Mr Fidget: “Must be the history repeating itself. Go to sleep.” “Why don't you try to be more popular?” “Aw, what docs a popular man get out of life except a bigger crowd at his funeral?”

Miriam: “Don’t you think my new hat \ poem, Nod?” Ned (critically): “From its height, dear, I should ratjior compare it to a short story.” Would-be purchaser of a horse, inquiring as to his leaping powers: “Will ho lake, timber?” “He’ll jump over your aead,” replied the dealer. Jones (to his landlady): “Very sorry, madam, but I’ve torn the curtain in the sitting room.” Landlady: “Oh, all right, sir; I'll put it down as extra rent.” Absent-minded Husband (in Paris): “My wife asked me while I was out to get her some eau de Cologne. Now, what the deuce is ‘eau do. Cologne’ in French?” “Mv wife will know I drank too much at the banquet.” “Why, you are walking straight enough.” “But look at the poor umbrella I picked out.” Brains arc excellent things in the evening in a lecture room, but beastly at breakfast. One’s mental digestion is not strong enough at that hour. Professor (to his wife); “Elsie, I have promised to deliver an address to morrow evening on the rational exercise of the memory. Don’t let me forget about it.” Jeweller: This ring is ten shillings more than the plain one, on account of the chasing.” Customer: “Oh, but you won’t have to chose me! Pm going to pay for what I got!” Park-keeper (giving a friendly warning) : “You mustn’t sit there, ma'am.” Old Lady (sitting on a seat which has just been varnished): “ 'Ere I am, and 'ere 1 m going to stick.” “So you claim to be a literary man. oh?” “Yes. sir; I wrote that book, ‘A Dozen Ways to Make a Living.’ ” “And yet you arc bogging!” “Yes, sir; that’s one of the ways.”

“The object of the average explorer is to get enough material for a lecture,” said Johnson. “That’s true enough.” replied Brown. “Take my wife, for instance, when she goes through mv pockets!” Mrs Strongmind; “Our society has appointed me chairman of a committee whose object is to try and bring about n reduction in rents.” Strongmind: “I'm glad to hear /it. my dear; you can begin at once on my trousers.”

She: '‘Here’s a story of n man out West who bartered his wife for a horse You wouldn’t swap mo for a horse, would you. darling?” He: “Of course not. But I’d hate to have anyone tempt mo with a good motor car.” A doctor attended an old lady who had caught a severe cold. “Did your teeth chatter when you felt the chill coming over you?” asked the doctor. “I dinna ken. doctor; they were lying on the table!” was the pleasant reply. “Doin’to move again tins year?” asked the office pest. - “Nope. Can’t afford to ” “What eha goin’ to do. then?” “Well.” said O’Bcetlc, “we’ve made arrangements to have now street numbers put on the houses on our block.”

Prospective Bridesrroom (to verger): “J intend getting married shortly. Please tell mo how many Sundays are necessary for the publication of the banns.” Verger; “ Three clear Sundays, young man—the same as for any ordinary elocution.”

—“Riggs (facetiously): “Tin's is a oieture of my wife's first husband.” Disrgs: “tSilly lookintr guy! But. env. I didn’t know your wife was married before she met yon.” Riggs: “She wasn’t. This is a picture of mvself when I was twenty-five.” She; “I cried all dav yesterday.” Neighbour; “What for?” Sim; “It was our wedding anniversary, and Henry said: ‘lt. seems to me that something awful occurred ten years aero to-day, but I can’t remember what it was.’ ” Old Salt: “Yes. mum. them’s men-o’-war.” Sweet, Young Thine: “How interesting! And what are the little opes hist in front?" Old Salt : “Oh. them’s iust tugs, mum.” Sweet Vountr Thine; “Oh. yes. o f course; tuge-of war. I've heard of them.”

Teaclmr: “Will”'. Tel rottr father wlrn you for what yon did in school yestrrela v Will' 0 : ma’am; ho said the lickintr ’•ou'd hurt. If in more than me.” Teacher: “What pons-mao! Your father is too sympathetic.” Will ip: “No. ma’-'tn; hut lie’s got rheumatics in both arms.”