FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3033, 1 May 1912, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

daughter!” Young Man: “Not necessary, sir; I have just learnt.” j —Kh mer: “What is the secret of success in business? Selling the people what they want?’ Muhtoburn; ‘‘No, not exactly; educating thorn into wanting the things you have to sell.” Employer (angrily): ‘‘What are you throwing those handbills on the pavement for?” Bill Distributor: “Well, guv’nor, that’s what the people does I gives ’em to. So it’s only saving time.” “There’s a fortune in it for the follow who patents the new divorce idea.” “What new divorce?” “One which permits a man to keep his wife but gives him an abso)lute divorce from hdr relations.” Lover: “Pardon me, professor, but last night your daughter accepted my pro--1 posal of marriage. I have called this morning to ask vou if there is any insanity in your family?” Professor: “There must j be.” ■ is from a small girl’s geography examination paper: “The zones are masculine and feminine; the masculine zones are tern- ! perate and intemperate; the feminine either torrid or frigid.” “Now.” said the warder to the forger, who had just arrived at prison, “we’ll set you to work. What can you do best?” "Well, if you’ll give me an hour’s practice on your signature, I’ll sign your official j papers for you,” said the prisoner. | —“Say, old man, don’t get disheartened just because your first investment went : wrong; the market is full of good things, j and if you will oome down to the office ' I'll give you a pointer.” “That won’t do ■me any good; what I want is a retriever.” j —“Dear, dear sighed the young widow ! as she stopped into the parlour and found that the wind had blown over the vase containing her husband's ashes, just returned from the crematorium. “Dear, dear, it’s ! just like Henry to throw his ashes all over . my best rug.” I A member of Parliament lias been badgered to the turning-point for subscriptions to and the other, and that last ho has begun to answer the beggars , savagely. “Dear sir,” his reply runs, “I was elected for as a member of Parliament, not as relieving officer.” Sunday School Teacher: “Now, children, the subject is the story of the prodigal son. Can anyone tell me who was glad 1 when the prodigal returned?” “The t father,” was the unanimous response. “And who was sorry?” asked the teacher. “The : fatted calf,” promptly responded a little ' girl. Mrs Testy (looking up from the paper): “Isn’t this strange? A man, after a fit of illness, was absolutely unable to remember his wife, and did not believe sho wais the one ho married.” Mr Testy: “Well, I dunno. It’s pretty hard work sometimes for a man to realise that his wife is the ! same woman that he once went crazy 1 over.” j — Tailor: “Thought I’d met some cheeky customers, but ” Bootmaker: “What | now?” Tailor: “I’ve had to press these : trousers four times, and they are not even paid for.” Bootmaker: “That’s nothing. ; I, wont to collect a bill for a pair of boote I yesterday, and the fellow kicked mo out | with them.” j —An English visitor who was spending i a month in the Highlands went to hire a 1 carriage for the purpose of taking his family , for a drive. He looked at the vehicle, and ; inquired how' many it would hold. The ostler scratched his head thoughtfully, and | replied: “It bauds four generally; but it’ll , tak’ six if they’re coorting,” | —Robbie met a neighbour who was 1 smoking some fine, fragrant tobacco sent |by his son in America. Ho took out his j own pipe ostentatiously. “Ha’ you a 1 match, Sandy?” ho queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. “I do believe,” said Robbie, T ha’ left rna tobacco at hamo.” “Then,” said Sandy after a silonoo, “ye micht gio me back ma match.” —The referee had constantly boon applied to for free kicks for imaginary fouls, andj his refusal to accede to the request angered the spectators. At half-time u sad-visaged supporter of the home team drew- him mysteriously and pushed something into his hand'. “What’s this?” he asked. “It’s | a chocolate whistle.” answered the specta- ; tor solemnly; “and it’s noise to suck, so | mebbe tha’ll blow it oftener than tha did t’other one.” Sir Wilfrid Laurlor was once on an electioneering tour in Ontario, and, as the elections were bitterly contested, every effort was made to stir up race and roll gious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal i sent this telegram to Sir Wilfrid :—“Report i in circulation in this country that your children have not been baptised. Telegraph denial.” To this the Premier replied: “Sorry to say report is correct. I have no children.” Two young Englishmen touring Italy for the first time stopped off one night at Pisa, where they fell in with a convivial party at a cafe. Going hilariously home, one pushed the other against a building and hold him there. “Great heavens!” cried the man next the w’all, suddenlyglancing up at the structure above him. “See what you’re doing!” Both roisterers fled. They left town on an early-morning . train, not thinking it safe to stay over and ' see the famous Leaning Tower.