FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3029, 3 April 1912, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

There seems to be a difference between putting your soul into a thing and putting vour foot in it. .New Arrival: "I suppose you have music at th-j hotel?" Hotel Clerk: "No; but we have a band." —lt is hard to say which is the more helpless— the little baby or the big man when he is asked to hold it. '•What seems to be the matter with two things are helping mankind to get up in the world?" "The alarum clock and the step-ladder," answered the dense person in the rear of the hall. "Will, Missus Mulcahy, Oi see be th' papers Danny's been discharged from prison," observed Mrs O'Hooligan. "' Yis," sighed Mrs Mulcahy, "Danny niver could hould any koind of a job." "What sterns to be the matter with him?" asked the doctor, approaching the bedside of the man, who lay swathed in bandage? "He found the gas leak." briefly explained the nurse. and women merely players," remarked the quoting bore. "Yes," said the listener; "but it that's so, where are you going to get your audience and orchestra?" . "Do you believe," she asked, "that a genius can possibly be a good husband?" "Well," he modestly replied, "I would prefer not to answer that question. But my wife ought to be able to tell you." "And what happened in the interim?" a solicitor asked a witness in a publichouse casa. " 1 don't know, sir," was the reply. "I didn't go into the interim. I stayed all the time in the smokeroom." George: "Didn't you notice that I pressed your foot at dinner to-night?" Maizic: "Why, it wasn't my foot you pressed. Oh, George, I wondered why mamma was smiling so sweetly at the minister !" i —" What kind of career have you mapped out for your boy?" "Dm going to make a lawyer of him He's got an unconquerable fancy for attending to other folk's business, and he might as well get paid for d." Tile cod, says an intimate acquaintance of that fish, lays about 45.000,000 eggs yearly. "What shall we do with our bo\s," is not a mere idle question with the cod. It is the passionate cry that demands an immediate answer. the page entered his room, "go over to No. 26 and find out if that ladv is moaning or tinging. If she is singing, ask the clerk to change my room; if she is moaning, tell tho clerk to notify a physician." Smith and Jones we're speaking about the fine points of their respective sons. "That boy of mine." remarked Smith extravagantly, "is the genuine article. He's all wool, you eau bet." "Shouldn't wonder," commented Jones. T notice he shrinks from washing." Householder: "By Jove, a real burglar! I suy just wait a minute, will you?" Burglar: "While yer cal! a copper? I don't think!" Householder: "No; only while I call my wife. She's heard you every night for 20 years, and it'll be a real pleasure to her to see you at last." A military trcntleman, who could swear better than he could play golf, was flattered one day to find ijuito a crowd of weli-dressed strangers following him round. "I hope," lie said gallantly, "that I'll play well enough to reward you." "Oh, it isn't that major," replied one. "We came out to listen." Gus da Smith: "Do you know my father. Miss Birdie?" Miss Biidie: "I never met him, but I believe he is a very modest, unassuming sort of man." Gus do Smith: "You're right. You can get some kind of an idea of how unostentatious ho is when I tell you he does not brag about having me for a son." "Which, in your opinion," asked the form master, "was the greater genera!— Caesar and Hannibal' were. Having done touched the f-pot, rang the bell, and entitled him to a cigar or cocoa nut. "It is first neccssaiy," he wrote, "to consider who Caesar and Hannibal wee. Having done this, we tan only reply in (he affirmative." Tho two Browns spelled their names differently—one used an " e"—and they were dreadful rivals socially. They met one evening at a public bar, and Brown said with a sneer: A fool asked me today if I was any relation to you. I told him if you had a single drop of my blood in your veins. I'd cut it out of you." "And if I had." said Browne, "I'd let yon." A well-known peer, not remarkable for his physique, some time ago visited a factory where a great number of men were employed. The peer inquired ol one ol tho workmen: "What wages do you receive here?" "Well," replied the workman, scratching ids head and raising his cap with tin; same hand, "that depends on fl'hat you are, guv'nor. A chap like you, for instance, would get about eighteen bob a week !" A boy's fishing rod was fastened under tho root of a tree on the river bank, and lie wa< sirring in the sun playing with a dog. "Fishing?" inquired a man passing along the road. "Yes." replied the boy. "Nice dog you've got there. What's his name?" "Fish," said the young angler. "Fish! That's a queer name for a dog. Why do you call him that?" "'Cause he won't bite." was ihc response. The man proceeded on his way. There was a mummy. The mummy wished to enter France. There was no lawful breach or impediment. It was not forbidden. On the other hand, it was not provided for. Tho most scientific of tariffs might well omit to deal with the case of the imported mummy. But the douanier had <i natural professional objection to letting it in free. Therefore, we are told, "he examined the mummy," and the conclusion he came to was that "it resembled nothing so much as sail fish." And as salt fish the mummy pa>d duty. Does it not seem as if the douanier's experience of salt fish must have been unfortunate? "Conductor," exclaimed an irate woman, who carried many bundles, as she paused on the platform of the crowded tramcar, "1 thought I told you that I wanted to get off at Pelham avenue!" "But, madam -" "Don't you say a. word ! I know all about your car being very full, and not being able to remember where everybody gets off. I've heard all that before." "But, madam, I ——" "You may bo sure that I shall report you, sir; and for your impudence. too." She alighted, the conductor rang his bell, nod as tho car started ho said politely, as he touched his cap. "I'm very sorry, madam, but Pelham avenue is half a mile further on."