FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3028, 27 March 1912, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

we general!v bring it on ourselves. Waiter: “This is a bad half-sovereign, sir.” Diner: “I know. It was a bad dinner.” . Pedestrian: “Hoy! You just missed mo by an inch.” Chauffeur: “Be patient! I’m coming back directly “Have you ever noticed how war produces so much poetry?” _ “Yes; that is one of the horrors of war." - Farmer (to horse-dealer): “No, I don t boar ye no malice ; I only hope when you’re chased by a pack of ravishin’ 'ungry wolves you’ll be a-driving that 'orso you sold me- ’ ’ “What kind of a husband would you advise me to take?” “Don’t take any husband at all. Pick out some single man and leave the husbands alone.” turned rny song down!” “Cheer up! Think what a laugh we’ve got on the fellow you stole the music from.” Chinaman : “You telly me where lailway station is?” White: “What’s the matter, John? Are you lost?” Chinaman: “No; me hero all ligh; station lost.” Mother (crossly): “Freddie, haven’t I told you that you must not talk when I am talking?” Freddie: “But, mamma, you won’t let me stay up after you go to bed !’’ “Lady,” said Meandering Mike, “would you lend me a cake of soap?” Do you mean to tell me you want soap?” “Yos’m. Me partner’s got the hiccups, an’ I want to scare him.” . “Aye. Jamie, it wis a guid thing for you that yer rich freens wis born afore ye.” “Wool,” said Jamie, “I’m no sae sure aboot that—bit it wis a guid thing that they dec’d afore me.” Excited Little Boy: “Jackie Smart’s new mouth organ is all broke.” Mrs Smart: “How did it happen?” Excited Little Boy: “Jackie was playing on it when a steam roller went over it.” “Your husband dresses very quietly, doesn't he?” remarked one lady to another. “Well” was the response, “not always. You should have heard him this morning when he couldn’t find a collarstud ” Dealer; “Look here! the bill for that motor-car I sold you has boon running for over a year now.” -Customer: “Let it run. I want to have something connected with my motor-car that will run for over half an hour without stopping.” “But, Charles,” said she to the handsome young Territorial, “what would you really do if there was a sudden cry, ‘ Tot arms! To arms!’?” “Well,” said Charles, “it would depend. If the cry issued from your lips, I think I should come.” “Johnny,” said his mother severely, “someone has taken a big piece of ginger cake out of the pantry.” Johnny blushed guiltily. “Oh, Johnny!” she exclaimed, “ I didn’t think it was in you!” “It ain’t all,” replied Johnny; “part of it’s in Elsie.” Professor (lecturing): “Oxygon, gentlemen, is essential to all animal existence. There could be no life without it. Strange to say, it was not discovered until a century ago, when ” Student (interrupting): “What did they do before it was discovered, sir?” The great man’s last hour had come. He beckoned to his private secretary. “1 want you to give it out as my final utterance.” ho said feebly., “that not more than one in half a dozen of the sayings that will be attributed to mo after I am gone' will have the slightest foundation in fact!” He was on his first visit to tho country, and his cousin was showing him the) sights of the farm. “Wot’s this?” asked Harry, as they came in sight of some hay in stacks. ‘Oh, that’s the hay,” his cousin informed him. “Tho wot?” cried Harry. “Well. I never know ’ay grow in lumps like that.” hatpin has ripped me across the cheek.’’ She; “So I see. Permit me to call your attention to Squill Ointment, for which I am the agent. It cures scratches and punctures, prevents blood-poisoning, and is sold at the small price of ” But he had already fled.

Once a Scotsman was visiting Now York, and, coming across a statue of Washington, stood gaping at it. Just then a Yankee came up, and said to Sandy: “ There’s a good man. A lie never passed his lips.” “No,” said the Scotsman; ‘‘l suppose he talked through his nose, like the rest of you.” Prospective Purchaser: “I want a horse to use in my work.” Dealer: “Well, what kind of work do you do?” Prospective Purchaser- “Wire repairing.” Dealer: “Hero she is. Just the horse you want, young man. All you have to do is to show Maude a picture of a motor-car and she’ll climb a telegraph pole.” Motorist (to innkeeper, who has charged an exorbitant price for stabling car for the night): “What the——? What’s the eighty shillings for?” Innkeeper; “Well, zur, not ’aving ’ad one stop ’ere afore, I didn’t exactly know what to charge, and yer were a-telling I that ’twere forty-horse power. I alius charges two shillings a night for a horse.” —Mr Spinks: “Why on earth did you give Billington that cotton umbrella? lie’ll never bring it back.” Mrs Spinks; “The only one in the rack was silk.” Mr Spinks: “You should have given him that.” Mrs Spinks: “And if he wouldn’t return the cotton one, why would he return the silk one? Tell me that, Mr Spinks.” Mr Spinks: “The cotton one was his.” Diner: “How- comes this dead fly in the soup?” Waiter: “In fact, sir, I have no positive idea how the poor thing pirao by its death. Perhaps it had not taken any food for a long time, dashed upon the soup, ate too much of it, and contracted an inflammation of the stomach that) brought on death. The fly must have had a weak constitution, for when I served up the soup it was dancing merrily on the surface Perhaps—and the idea presents itself only at this moment—it endeavoured to swallow too large a piece of vegetable; this, remaining fast in the throat, caused a choking in the windpipe. This is the only reason I can give for the death of that poor insect !”