FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3019, 24 January 1912, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

She: “ What is the greatest punishment a man can receive for bigamy.' He: “Two mothers-in-law, w.y dear.’’ “Haven’t you a great dislike for foreign phrasesV'’ “Yes, but my dislike for tnem is not pronounced.”^ First Fair Invalid: “ Which kind of doctor do you prefer— the > allopathic or the homoeopathic?” Second Fair Invalid: “I prefer the sympathetic.” Photographer: “What makes you wear such a woe-begono expression?” Subject: “My wife’s away. 1 want to send one to her!”

out?” “No. what is it?” “I haven’t decided whether it’s an aching tooth or a conflagration. —Mo tor man (to passenger who Is smoking a cigar in the non-smoking part): “ Smoke on the other end, sir.” Passenger: “I can’t. It’s lit.” Madge: “What makes you think that handsome music teacher is mercenary?” Marjorie: “He charges Dolly’s father 10s an hour for making love to her.” Clara: “I must say I think your young man is very forward. If he were mine I’d ait on him.” Gladys: “ But that s exactly what I do —and he seems to enjoy it.”

“So you are a bill-collector?” “ Yes. Here is one ” “ Keep it, my boy keen it You seem to have a nice collection there. Far be it from me to break it up.” Business Man; “ I say, did you sweep the office out this morning?” Office Boy: “ No, air. The feat jou suggest borders unon the impossible. I swept the dirt

out, sir. M.D., whose practice was slow in coming. “ You must have patience.” “ Yes, I know. If I had patients 1 wouldn’t be discouraged.” Lawyer: “I must know the whole truth before I can successfully defend you. Have you told mo everything?” Prisoner: “ Except where I hid the money. I want that for myself.” Artist: “1 wonder, Lou, if it’s true what some people say—that in the next woyld we follow the same occupation as in this?” Model: “Very likely; you eeem always smoking.” again. Ho takes too long to shave you. “ Not very skilful, eh?” “Oh! hie hands are skilful enough, but he has an impediment in his speech.” She; “How far can your ancestry be traced?” He: “ Well, when my grandfather resigned his position as cashier of a country bank they traced him as far ae China, but he got away.” “They thought he was dead, you know, and all the papers printed obituary notices.” “And then?” “Why, then he turned up, and since he’s read those notices he’s too proud to speak to anyone. ” Clara: “Going in for charity again, are you? What is it this time?” Dora: “ We are going to distribute chean copies of Beethoven’s symphonies among the poor. Music is such an aid to digestion, you know.”

Lady: “What do you think? I have a\ servant who gets up most beautifully early in the morning without being called.” Chorus of Voices: “Impossible.” Eady: “ But it’s true. She’s in love with the milkman.” A young heiress being twopence short in paying a bill, called downstairs through the speaking tube to the hired girl: “Maggie, have you got a couple_ of coppers downstairs?” “ Yes. ma’am,” replied Maggie; “they are cousins of mine.” “Spell ‘cat,’” said the teacher to the boy at the tail-end of the class. “ K a-t,” replied the boy. “Silly.” replied the teacher. “ Can’t, you spell cat?” “ Well,” replied the sensible boy, “ What does k-a-t spell?” Old Gent: “ Where are you going with that goat, little boy?” Kittle Boy: “ Down to the lake. Como along if you wantcr see some fun. This hero goat has jest et a crate o’ sponges, an’ I’m going down to let him drink.” The Lady: “What is your trade?” Beggar: “I am a picker.” The Lady: “ A nicker? What is that?” Beggar: “ Well, mum, in July I picks strawberries, in August I picks ’ops, in the winter I picks pockets, and the rest of the year I picks oakum.”

—“I am surprised, Bobby,” said his father, reprovingly, “that you should strike your little brother. Don’t you know that it is cowardly to hit one smaller than yourself?” “ Then, why do you hit me, father?” inquired the boy with an air of having the better of it. Xewitt: “Well. there’s one thing about the weather. It’s always a safe topic of conversation” Burroughs: “I thought it was to-day when T met Lendham, but when I started to speak of it he said. ' Yes, it's; unsettled, and that reminds mo of that acroun 4 : of vour=.” “Well, Jock,” said the laird of a certain estate, “you are getting very bent. Why don’t you stand up like me, man?” “ Eh, man,” said Jock. “Ye see that field o’ corn ower there? Wool, ye’ll notice that the full heids hang doon, an’ the empty ones stan’ stracht up.”

His Wife: “John, these shoos don’t t’t me af all. You’ll have to take them hack and got another pair.” Her husband : “ Why, they look comfortable.” His Wife: “ Yes, that’s the trouble. I’ve had them on nearly an hour and they don't hurt in the least, so of course they arc an tritely too big.” —“I have hoard a good deal about people who borrow trouble, but I think my wife will want a Jot of beating in that line ” “ Y by, T thought she was always cheerful and contented with her lot.” “She was until our baby was born, six weeks ago. Now she is worrying because he may marry some girl that wo shall not like.” Bohoo, Room 12.” “ My. sir, you’re the fourth gentleman wet’s sent her flowers today.” “ What's that? Y hat the deuce? W-who sent the others?” “ Oh, they didn’t send anv names. They all said, - ‘ She’ll know where they come from.’ ” “ Well, hero, take my card, and tell her these are from the same one who sent the other three boxes.”

The story is told of a man who had great difficulty in spelling words with “ ei ” and “ie ” in them. One day a friend offered to give him an infallible rule for such «?*ses. “ft is'a rule.” ho said, “that in 47 years has never failed me.” His friend expressed his delight and waited. The man resumed: “ The rule is simply this: Write your ‘i ’ and ‘o’ exactly alike, and put the dot just between them.”