FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3018, 17 January 1912, Page 86

FUN AND FANCY.

'•Now, remember, Ikey, that vos a goot glass eve you've got. Always take lt out and put it in your pocket when you ain't looking at nodding.*." "Or. bended kuc-e, i begged her for a kiss." 'And wbtii did she say?" "Told me to get up and be practical." The "Valet: "I can't scorn to keep that crease in your trousers, sir." Fiddleton : "Well, you know, James, she's a pretty heavy girl." Lady: "Come back at 7 o'clock to-night." .beggar: "Impossible, madam I belong to the Tramps' Union. and they don't allow us to work overtime !"

—Mr Willis: "But why don t you take your bank-book in to have it balanced.' Mr 9 Willis: "I don't want that snoopylooking cashier to know how mucli money I've got in there!" The Tail and Aggressive One: Incuse me, but I'm in a nurry ! You ve had that 'phone 20 minutes and not said a word!" The Short and Meek One: ''Sir, I'm talking to my wife." "My wife has joined a secret society. "But can she keep a secret?" "»hc doesn't have to. The object of the society is for every member to tell the others all the secrets she knows." Young Lady: "Perhaps one of these men will be so gallant as to give me his seat." Conductor: "I don't think so. miss. You're too pretty! The men all seerr: to have their wives with 'em I" "Jackson used to be daft on the subject of buried treasure. What's he up to now?" "He's got up an expedition to Asia Minor to try to lind the place where Methuselah stored his birthday presents." '"There is nothing more unsatisfactory than a boarding-house beefsteak," growled the chronic grumbler. "Oh, 1 don't know," rejoined the impressionable young man. "Did you ever get a kiss from a pretty girl over the telephone?" "You may joke about women's conventions, but I think women are pretty wise. Now, my wile's club appointed a committee to study economy in dress." "Well " "They started out by going to a musical comedy." Village Parson: "You must never cherish an enmity against your neighbour If your neighbour injures you. forget it" Old Dame: "So I do; but the trouble is I've a very bad memory, and keep forgetting I've forgotten." Mrs Gushe: "But were you never frightened, captain, when you saw the enemy approaching?" Captain Frank. "Nc; I felt safe so long as I had :•. couplo of life-preservers with me." "Life preservers?" "Yes; my legs." _ —Cholly (handling his friend's revolver gingerly): "I suppose now if this should go off while I'm holding it like this it would blow my bwains out?" His Friend: ''No, it woudn't do that, but it would bore a hole clean through your head." back our engagement ring. I can never marry you; I loys another." Actor: "Give me his name and address." Actress: "Do you want to ki'l him?" Actor: "No; I want to try to sell him the ring." "The next event," said the announce*' at the country fair, "will be a sack race for girls. Professionals barred." "What do you mean by professionals?" "These who have been weiring hobble skirts." "What do you mean, sir," roared the irate father, "by bringing your portmanteau to my house and ordering a room?" " I'm adopted as one of the family," coolly answered the young man. "Your daughter said she would be a sister to me." They were sitting under a fine tree in the park. He declaimed his passion ; 6he listened demurely. " I swear I havo never loved any girl before," he osuured her "You always say such appropriate things, Dick," she murmured; "this is a chestnut tree."

Cockney Tourist (to joative boy): "Whore does this road lead to, my lad? Boy: " A'm no' fhair." Tourist: "And that one?" Boy: "I dinna ken." Tourist: "And this one?" Boy: "I canna tell ye." Tourist (to himself): "Croat Soot! what names they give to places in this benighted country." A citizen cf culture and poetic taste went to a public library and asked for Shelley's "Prometheus Unbound." He was rather taken aback when the librarian re plied with great hauteur, "We don't keep any unbound boota in this library." Small Girl: "Please, Mrs Drennan. mother sends her compliments, and will you lend her a cruet, 'cos she's got com pany?" Mrs Drennan (who hasn't the faintest idea what a cruet is): "Tell your mother I'm very sorry, my dear, but ours is torn."

Laura (a bit of a new woman) : *'Er— George " George: "Well. Laura?" Laura: "I—l think we understand each other, George; but—is it my place or yours to put the question? And ought I to speak to your father alwut it, or ought you to go and ask papa?" • District Visitor: "I've just had u letter from my son Arthur saying lie has won a scholarship._ I can't tell you how pleased I am. Rustic Pnrtv: "I can understand your feeling, mum. I felt just the same when our pig won a medal at the agricultural show." A tourist while driving past a cemetery 'remarked to his jarvie: "I notice. Pat, that all the walls of the cemeteries hereabout are built with blue fitone." "Ah." said Pat. "them that goes in there have a blue look-out."

Teacher: "Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school yesterday ?" Willie: "No, ma'am; he said the licking would hurt him more than m<?." Teacher: "What rot! Your father is too sympathetic" Willie: "No, ma'am: but he's got the rheumatism in both arms.*' Victim (looking in mirror): "Great scissors, barber, you've gone and cleared everv blessed hair off my ho;:<]." "Barber: "Isn't that what you told me to do?'' "Told von to do? Why. mnn. I told vou I wanted it cut a la mode." "I lie? your nordon. sir. I thought you said you wanted it .ill mow--'!." A man had Iven called t>* n iritnops to provo the eorroet.npfts of (he lv'll of a phvsiVi.m "Trt iis (ret 'it the fcu<ts ~f th« ca«e " t±n'u\ the lawyer, who wa doincr a cross-examination turn. "Didn't the doctor Plaice several visit' "ftor tho nitient im out of <jnp«"»r?" "Xo. sir." answered the '' T considered the patient in a = long- as the doctor continued hfc v'»Hs."

P«r>orter: "If v -~" will allow me to have the sermon which you an' to deliver

on Sunday, I will copy it and print it m Monday's' paper." Rev. Do Goode: "I cannot" allow .my sermon to go out of my h.T.nds. If vou will come to church on Sunday, vou "can hear it and take notes.' Reporter (with dignity): "I do not worlc on Sundays, sir.''

Father: "Now, young man, come •with me. and get your jacket off." Son • "You're not going to lick me, dad are vou 9 " Father: 'Certainly. Didn t 1 tell you this morning that I should settle \-ith"vou for vour bad behaviour?" Son: "Yes-" but I thought it was only a joko like when you told the grocer you was going to settle with him." _ . She was stvlish but economical—very The fish salesman jotted down her somewhat meagre order with a fine show of indifference. On reaching the shop door she turned, remarking: "Oh, Mr Smelt/., there's one item I have forgotten bend me ur> a brace of—er—let me see "Partridge?, ma'am?" queried the now cvcr-colite shopman. "Xo—kippers, she murmured, and banged the door. One of the most original certificates of character was that given by a. poor Irishman, who was askod by a judge if a certain witness with whom he professed to be acquainted was of good /emite. "Well, vour Honor," was the reply, he rades the Bible, he nlays the fiddle, he never wollops the old woman, and now and then he take.s a drop of good whisky. I don't know what more- you could say for any man." ~ A Yankee and a Britisher were di.s cussing business matters and business men. each contending hotly that his own race was oailv superior in mental abilities "Waal." declared the Yankee, "I have come to London regularly for the last 20 vears. and have never once met what I should call a sharp man of business." "Very likely." rejoined the Britisher. "We put what you'd call 'sharp' men in prison."

A squad of recruits were one day practising bayonet exeresie. The sergeant. a rather strict disciplinarian, had kept Ihero at it until they were all really tired. When at. last thev got the order to "stand at ease" one of them said to the servant : "Here, sergeant, hiv ye t.v» dae a' that afore yc kill yer man?" "Oh, no," ?nid the sergeant. "I was thinking that," replied the recruit, "for I could kill him quicker vri' a half-brick."

A certain archdeacon was sneaking at a temperance meeting, and he adorned his soeech with several humorous anecdotes. At length it seemed to strike him that he had perhaps been a little frivolous, so he milled himself together, and endeavoured to close his speech in a fittinnrly serious vein. "But. mv friends, to be serious th<> sum total of fll I have been saying may be told in a single word: 'Train un a child in the way he should <ro. and 'vh"n he is old .he will not depart from it..* Tr.-un up a ehi'd to avoid the bottle, and when he is old he will Hit depart from it."