FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3017, 10 January 1912, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

. “My girl used to think a lot of her pug dog, but I’ve managed to get the edge on him since wo married.” “Mow did you work it?” “i'ido wouldn’t eat her cookI ing, and I did.” | —“To-day,” remarked a pretty young : widow, “is the fifth anniversary oi my ‘ wedding.” “Indeed! And at what ago i were you married?” asked the bachelor. 1 “At the parsonage!” she answered. Ticket Collector (kindly): “How old are you, rny little girl?” Little Girl f (haughtily): “If the company doesn’t object, I’d prefer to pay full fare and retain my own statistics.” } t —Cautious Customer: “But he’s a young horse; why do his knees bend so?” Dealer -(reassuringly): “Ah, sir, the poor animal : has been living in a stable too low for , him, and', he’s had to stoop.” i “Have you,” asked the judge of a I recently-convicted man, “anything to offer the court before sentence is passed?” “No, your honor,” replied the prisoner, “my lawyer took my last farthing.” Sick Wife: “Doctor, I will double your fee if you will prescribe me a trip to the seaside.” Doctor: ‘‘Very well, madam, I shall do so.” Sick Wife: “What were you 1 intending to prescribe?” Doctor: “A trip to the seashore.” me some poison, and so I vill kill mein&elf.” Chemist (jocularly) : “All right. What do you want—arsenic or strychnine?” Iftaacstoin:. “Yich vos der cheapest?” “Grandpa,” said Maudie, very seriously, “1 want to ask your advice.” “Yes. darling What is it?” inquired the old gentleman. “I want to know what you I think it will be best for you to give me ■ on my birthday.” Wihilst being pinioned on the scaffold a condemned man was asked if he had ’ anything- to say before his exit from ihia j world. “Well,” he replied, “you might remind tho warder that I eha’n’t need ; dinner to-day!” j —Rising Author: “Ah, Miss Porking- : ham, you little know the glory, the sclf- ' satisfaction, the pride one tools in having ' one’s name brought before the . public mindl” Mias Porkingham (a Chicago | beauty): “Well, you bet I do! "Why, papa has named a patent ham and his best brand of lard after me.” i —Clerk: “May I have a week’s holiday, sir? I wish to get married.” Employer: “Why, you wore away with measles for a fortnight during the spring, and last winter you stayed away with, influenza, now you want to get married. Really, Black, there always seem to be something wrong with you.” Magistrate: “You say you are a tourist?” Prisoner: “Yes, sir; I love Nature jn all her radiant beauty ” Magistrate (hastily): “Never mind that. How much money have you about you?” Prisoner: “Threepence-halfpenny.” Magistrate (severely): “Then I shall commit you as a vagrant. We draw the line between tourists and tramps at one shilling ” I The Italians bound for Tripoli were boarding a transport. The colonel was at his post watching the men. As one of them stepped on the gangway his mother clutched him and pulled him to her bosdm. With intense emotion she cried and crooned over him, and then she saw the colonel. “My boy,” she exclaimed, “stick close to the colonel, and you’ll never get hurt!” 1 “Whore are you going to, my pretty maid?” “I am going, sir. to sterilise my hands, after which I shall superintend tho operations of a patent mechanical milker, the product of which I shall put into a sterilised receiver, which will bo cooled down by a sterilised refrigerator.” ' The young man’s wife said to him, in a shocked tone, at the end of their repast: “Why, Jack, how extravagant you are. You tipped .'that waiter half «, crown.” “Hush !” said Jack. “He brought me change for a sovereign when I’d given him only half a sovereign. Would you have me he moan after that?” “Funnv thing happened in my town last week,” said the’ chatty man in the railway carriage. “What was that?” asked the interested individual. “Black, a white man, and White, a black man, thought a fellow named Brown was pretty green, and tried to sell him a white horse. But Brown was well road, and he deceived them both—in fact, he got all the money they had.” “And now?” “And now Black and White are blue.” -- A man who was “wanted” in Russia had been photographed in six different positions, and tho pictures were duly circulated among the Police Department. Tlie chief of one of these wrote to head- ; quarters a few days after the issue of a set of portraits, reporting as follows: , “I have received tho portraits of the six miscreants whoso capture is desired. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth is under observation and will bo secured shortly.”

I —There was a dear wee pink little baby in the train, and an elderly man stepped' forward to admire it. “A fine youngster,” he said to its demure mother. “I hops you will bring him up to bo an unright, conscientious man.” “Yos,” smiled the young mamma; “but I’m afraid it will be a bit difficulty.” “Pshaw! !” said he. “ ‘As the twig is bent so i.s the tree inclined.’ ” “I I know it” agreed the mamma; “but this twig is bent on being a girl, and wc are j inclined to let it go at that.” I The railway carriage was crowded, but ' a very fat old gentleman who sat by the window calmly ignored Iks ominous looks j of the passengers for taking up much room. A boy selling Inns poked his head in at the window and inquired: “Buns, «ir?” The old gentleman was slightly deaf, and. not noricing the hues, thought the hoy wanted a peat in the already packed carriage: so he remarked; “Full up, my boy! No more room inside!” A roar of laughter followed his reply, and the old gentleman innocently wondered as to the cause of their merriment. A gang of navvies were employed on a railway contract, removing earth with wheelbarrows. While proceeding with his work one of the navvies noticed that the wluvd of his harrow was eouealing terribly. and to put a stop to the noise ho turned the barrow over, and was in I lie act iof greasintr it when the ganger noticed J him and shouted out; “Halloa. O'Brien! ; Halloa, Mr! What the deuce are you do- ! irye?” “Tm greasing mv barrow, sir.” “Who told von to do that?” “Srne. no one. sir. I took it upon nivs"lf,” “Well, don’t let me catch you at it ami in. What | do you Imow about machinery?”