FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3006, 25 October 1911, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

pushing young man. And when they &tioweU him the door he -wasn't a bit £;atisiiod. —An Irish editor, in speaking of Ireland and her woes, said: "Her cup of misery has been for ages overflowing, and is not yet lull." Jack: "Jones grumbles that his wife oan't tako a joke!'' Jim: "That's funny, seems to me." Jack: "How so'/" Jim: "fche took Jones.' "How shall I break the news to my parents that I have failed in my exams.?" —"Merely telegraph them —'Examination over. Nothing new.' " Paterfamilias: "I want you to insert that notice of the birth of my twins." Editor: "Will you repeat it?" Paterfamilias: "Not if 1 know it."

First Youth: "Scientists say that trees contribute* to the heat of the atmosphere." Second Youth: "That's so; a bireh has warmed me many a time." Tommy: "i don't think aunty will stay; she didn't bring her trunk." Johnny: "Jtiuh! Look how long the baby has stayed; and ho didn't bring anything." water which Nature so bountifully supplies." Water-rate Collector: "But Nature doesn't supply the pipes, ma'am!" Gibbs: "What makes you think they had theatres in Pharaoh's time?" Dibbs: "Didn't Joseph's brethren remove him from the famjiy circle and put him into the pit?"

"So you abandoned the simple style of spelling?" ''Yes" responded: the former advocate of the fad. "1 found it so difficult to make people understand that I knew better."

"ATt and business have nothing in common." —"I don't' know about that. The value of a painting, like the value of a cheque, depends a great deal on whoso name is at the bottom of it."

Old Lady (at the end of the pier, seeing the revolving' lamp on the lightship for the first time): "Dear me, those sailors must have a lot of patience! Every time the lamp goes out they light it again !" Mrs Casey (answering "boy wanted for lawyer's office" ad.): "Shure, eor, he's that truthful he wudn't tell a lie for anything, but Oi hov another bhoy that isn't sp pertikler, if ye'd maybe loike to see 'im." The Thin One: "And do you really roll around the floor once a day for the sake of losing a few pounds? I wonder what would happen if I tried it?" The Fat One: "Oh, you'd just cut the carpet!" Visitor (who has been regaled with terrible tales of shipwreck): "But yOu don't mean to say you lose visitors here occasionally?" Native: "No, sir; they generally washes up after a tide or two."

Mrs Robinson: "And were you up the Rhino?" Mrs de Jones (who is describing her Continental trip last September): "I should) think so.; right to the very top. What a splendid view there is from the summit!"

Mrs Parvenoo: "This, Major, is by an old master." The Major: "Really! I shouldn't have thought so." Mi's Parvenoo: "Oh, yes. Why, the man I bought it off gave me a written guarantee that the artist was over 70 when he did it."

"Can I have some shooting on your farm?" asked the visitor. "By all means," responded the farmer heartily. "There are two tramps in the barn, a sewing machine agent in the kitchen, and the County Council candidate ringing the front door bell at this moment. Please go and shoot them all."

young lady entered, and said to one of the shop assistants, "Lot mo see, have you 'Kissed me'my moonlight'?" TJho assistant blushed, and looked a little confused as he replied, "I think it must have been one ot the other fellows. I've only come here this week."

The fire-policy on a lady's house—a big brought to her by the agent. ''There it is, madam," he said, "the premium is £20." "Oh, how unfortunate!" cried the property-owner. "My bank account is a little low. Tell the company to let it stand, and deduct it from what they owe me when the house is burnt down."

Young Hopeful: "Father, what is a traitor in politics?" Veteran Politician: "A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other." Young Hopeful : "Well, .then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?" Veteran Politician: "A convert, my son." A local doctor once sent his man with a box of pills to a patient, and a hamper containing six live pullets to bo left at the house of a friend. Unluckily the messenger bungled over his errand, and took the hamper to the patient and the pills to his master's friend. Imagine the consternation of the patient on receiving along with the fowls the following prescription:—"Two of these to be swallowed every half-hour." When Bloggins, sen., was obliging his guests with ,'Tis love that makes the world go round," Master William Bloggins seized the opportunity to retire for a few minutes behind the screen with his sire's half-smoked cigar. The applause subsiding, Master Bloggins was observed to be lookins: far from well. "Good gracious. Willie ! What's the matter?" cried Mrs Bloggins in alarm. "I believe you've been smoking." Willi© shook his head. " 'Tain't that," he declared untruthfully. "If it's true what father's been singing about, I I re-reckon I'm in love!"

"Good morning-, Mrs Simpkins!" said a suburban lady who is very short-sighted. "Your husband must be very fond of gardening. I see him the first thine every morning- down at the bottom of the garden. And: how well he looks, to be sure!" Mrs Simpkins slammed the door in her neighbour's face. The latter' went to tell her daughter. "And you said, mother, that the—the thing in the onion-bed was her husband?" —"I did."—"Ah, well, that explains the matter! What vou took for Mr Simnkins is a scarecrow!"

A little lad was very ill, and his companions living in the same street had been asked not to make any noise. The invalid's mother received a visit from one of these lads. "How is he to-day?" he inquired in a shy whisper. "He's better, thank you, my dear. What a thoughtful child you are to come and ask !" The boy stood for a moment. "I'm earful sorry Jimmy'6 ill." The mother was profoundly touched. She could l find no further words to say, but simply kissed him. Made still bolder by the caress, the youthful caller began to back down the steps, repeating at intervals his sorrow for his playmate's illness. At the bottom step he halted and looked: lip. "If Jimmy snould die," be asked, "kin I have his drum?"