EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2975, 22 March 1911, Page 82

EDITOR'S WALLET.

Mow it's Done.

"Smoking in Holland," said the traveller, "is so common, that it is impossible to toll one person from another in a room of smokers." "How is anyone who happens to be wanted picked out, then?" asked a. listener. "Oh, a waiter goes round with a pair of bellows and blows the smoke from before each face till he recognises the person called for. Fact, gentlemen!"

He Couldn't Love Them

A story is told of a missionary who was spending a short holiday in Texas. After he hadl been at his hotel for some days he met with a- very fierce-looking man of the cowboy type, who, he noticed, had anything but a sweet temper. "Do you know " he said to him one day, "that you, should love your enemies?" "That's a thing I can't do, sir." "What! lam sure a man like you could do anything if he tried." "AnythiripT but that, parson; it's impossible." . .

"Impossible?" said the missionary. "How?" "I ain't got an enemy to love. I shot the last this morning."

What Pt Showed

"Before beginning ray lecture," remarked the professor, "I will, in order to more fully establish the influence of handwriting upon character, ask tome gentleman rn ohe audience to come forward and. give me a sample of his penmanship." . A pale young imian 'with short (hair stepped on to the platform. Seizing the pen. he hastily wrote a few words, and then returned to his seat.

"Excellent," remarked the professor, as bo surveyed the man's work. "This writing shows Jie advantage of acquiring a fixed style. I don't suppose the man who wrote this could vary in his penmanship if he practised l a year. It shows an adherence to established principles, unswerving directness of purpose, a fixed moral code, an aspiration for orderly methods. I should classify it as a -combination of conscience and commerce, so to speak. It is the style of writing Oliver Cromwell might have affected. • And now, young man, may I inquire your business?" "Haven't had, no business lately," replied the young man hoarsely. "I've just finished five years in prison for forging cheques I"

The Truth at a Pinch

He was a lawyer, and' he decided that his boy should follow in his footsteps. "Always remember that good lawyers work hard, my boy," he said. "They read thoughtfully, forget nothing 1 , wash their faces before and after every meal, and never speak with their mouths fulL" Bobby blinked. "And do they go to bed when, they're told?" "Yes, my lad," replied papa. "And do they tell the truth?" It was papa's turn to blink. "Yes, my boy, they do," he replied at length. "Lawyers will do anything to win a case."

Shocked the Guard.

Many years ago a well-known Scotch nobleman went out to one of our smaller dependencies to take up an official position under the Governor. Ho was a colonel of volunteers at home, and consequently he took out his uniform with him to wear on those occasions on which etiquette demanded l such > an attire. The necessity for donning- his kilt arose scon after he arrived in the colony, and attired in all hisi iglory he took the train from the country station near to which he ahanoed to be residing at the time to tho town -where his presence was required. At one of the stcipping-plaoes - alojig the route the guard l , to whom kilts were an absolutely unknown article of attire, and who apparently, when ho looked in at the carriage window and saw the gallant colonel seated therein, imagined that that gentleman his dispensed l with his nether garments on account of the heat, said, "We are getting near town, sir." At the next station he came again, and, seeing the colonel in exactly the same oostume, he exclaimed) excitedly, "Excuse me, sir, but I must insist on your dressing yourself at once; we shall arrive at the town station in five minutes!"

He was Diplomatic

An old gamekeeper, while being very clever in his particular profession, is & veritable pastmastcr in the gentle art of extracting a substantial tip from a departing; sportsman. One one occasion he was saying goodbye to a young gentleman who had been shooting over the estates —a young gentleman who, to do hiim justice, had never claimed 1 to be a crack, shot.

"Well, gciodi-bye, John," be said to the gamekeeper as they reaehedi the station. "I've not mad© a very big bap, but, of course, you are in no way to blame for that. However, I've thoroughly enjoyed myself." "Glad to bear it, sir," responded John. "As you say, you've not done anything very startling, .but then there's compensations!" "Indeed!" laughed the youth. "What, are they?" "Well," said John slowly ,"fche birds may question your aim, an' the other gentlemen may question your wisdom in wastingl cartridges, but nobody can question your liberality." John deserved the tip he received.

If i\ot, Why Not ?

Most persons make many statements New England barn was in the form of an which they cannot prove. A van© on a angel blowing a trumpet* and with blackpainted legs wide apart. "Who ever saw an angel with black stockings?" scornfully remarked a newcomer. "Who ever saw one without?" retorted a native. A classio Japanese story tells of a sago who was walking in. his garden with a friendi. "Those, fish think I am going to feed them," he remarked 1 , speaking of tho goldfish in the little pond. "You do not know what they think," remarked tho friend. "How do> you know that I do not know what they think?" returned the sage. The author of "Ordered ta China" gives an example of such a rebuff. At tihe gate of the Temple of Agricultura

I noticed a bi(j masonry screen, higher than the gia.be .itself and, back of it a few feet. One had to go through tho gate and turn an ooufca angle either to the left or right to get by the screen. I had seen a good (many such screens, but I had never paid much attention to them 'before. "What is that?" I asked. • The Chinaman looked 1 surprised. "Why, that is to keep evil spirits out." "What an idea! How will it keep them out? Can't they get in at the openings at each side?"

"No can go. Bad spirits always travel straight line." "That's idiotic. How do you know they always go in a straight line?" "Don't they? How d'you know they don't?" That was indeed an argument. Perhaps they do!