FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2955, 2 November 1910, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

A: " It is "H hen a man is in trouble j fhat he knows the value of a wife." B : I " Yes ; he can put all his property in hov j name." . „ I —" Those pigs of yours are in very fine j condition." "Yes," agreed tho farmer; " if we were all as ready to die as they | we'd do." J Mistress: "I gave you a shilling,; Joseph, and you only bring me 10 stamps. ' Where's the charge?" Joseph: "Please, 'm, stamps is riz.* '.',.' dear. I think we ought to stop at home." , —" Don't say that, darling, for if you really feel like that we ought to have a very enjoyable evening." I Sub-editor: "There's a correspondent: wants to know how long girls should bo courted." Editor: "Tell him just tho same way as short girls." _ his head has- committed suicide. "—" Poor fellow! Now, what fool of a friend could have advised him to try that remedy?" Rocks: : What do you do when you come home late at night and your wife fflM ts you at the door with a threatening stare?"" Knocks: ."I try tho back stair." nice, exhilarating sport when you can afford it/'—"' It isn't half as exhilarating, my bov. as when you can't afford it." Father (to son): "I can't imagine how ; you dislike work; to me ifs real enjoy- ■ ment." Son: "Yes, father, but I dont want to give myself up wholly to pleasure." "Simpson isn't working much now —'•lsn't he? Why. he told me only the other day that be was working for all ha was worth."—" Well, that isn't much. The Sceptical Aunt: " What does he do. Dollv, for a living?" Dolly (greatly surprised): "Why, auntie, he does not have time to earn a living while we are engaged !" , Mrs J.: " John, there must be a lot of iron in your system." Mr J.: " Why do you think so?" Mrs J.: "Because you invariably lose your temper when you get hot." Butcher: "What can I send up today, Mrs Styles?" Mrs Styles: "Send me a leg of mutton, amd be sure that it is from the black sheep: we are in mourning, you know." •»••.. c Half-mourners.—Distant Relative of Deceased (to coachdriver, after leaving cemetery): "Gie us a bit of a run roon the* toon just to see the sichts afore ye gang back." , She: "Promise me, Jack, that you won't go to the bad or anything like that because I've refused you." He: "Certainly not. Of course I shan t. She: "Horrid thing!" —" Willie," said the teacher, "can you tell me what happens when a man's temperature goes down as far as it can go? ••Please, mum," replied Willie, "he would have cold feet." Mrs Jolly boy: "Where on earth have you been?" Mr J.: "I cannot tell a lie; I've been at my office." Mrs J.: " That's where we differ. I can tell a liewhen I hear one." "Why weren't you at the golt links yesterday afternoon?"—" Three reasons. ■Vly wife was going out, for one thing." —•• Well, that's one. What were the other two?" —" The twins." —" Why did Shepherd buy a motor boat?"—" Whenever he left the house at Bread Bay his wife insisted on knowing exactly when he would be back. Now he can't possibly tell her." Forbes (to His grocer.): " Good-morn-ing! Did you ever see anything so unsettled as the weather has been lately! The Grocer: "Well, there's your bill I sent you quite a montn ago." She (at the summer resort): ' I wonder how Mrs Coyne manages to make her husband still love her?" He: " She won't let him draw on her principal, _and that naturally keeps up the interest." She: "You premised to buy me a gcalskin jacket." He: "Yea, my dear, I did, but I have had such a bad day in the market that I could not buy you even an incandescent mantle." Sparks: " I wonder why it is a woman lets out everything you tell her?" Park 3: " My dear boy, a woman has only two views of a secret—either it ii worth . keeping, or it is too good to keep." ■ j Mrs Starvcn: "How do you like tho chicken soup, Mr Newbord?" Mr Newbard: " Oh—er—is this chicken s? uP—"Certainly; how do you like itl '— " Well—er—it's certainly very tender." Bibliophile (aghast): "1 beg your pardon, madam, but that book your little girl is playing with is an old and rare tirst edition!" Caller: "Ah, that's all right, Mr Vibbert. It will amuse her as much as if it were new!" Auntie: " Was that play you saw a tragedy or a comedy?" Little Niece: " What doss that mean, auntie?" Auntie: "Did you cry?" Little Niece: "No." Auntie . r " Did" you laugh?" Little Niece: "No.' Auntie: "What did you do?' Little Niece: "Went to sleep." "Tommy," said the teacher, "how many is the half of eight?' " On top or sideways?" asked Tommy. " What do you mean bv on. top or sideways?" inquired the puzzkd teacher. " Why," replied tho bright little follow, " half from the top of 8 is 0, and half of it sideways is 7 " An old lady, accosted by an insolent rind haughty vagrant, gave him a penny. The beggar, holding the coin in his dingy palm, looked at it haughtily. " What d'ye think I'm a-going to do with this?" he growled. " Oh, keep it!" said the old lady sweetly. " Keep it and give it to some poor beggar." "A tip," says a contemporary, "a not earned money; it is a dole. Every tip is an act of condescension on the part of the tipper, and an act of abasement. on the part of the tipee." The trouble is that so few tipees, grovelling brides, seem sufficiently equipped with a proper sense of shame. During lesson on the animal kingdom a teacher asked .. anyone could g ; ve an example of "an animal of the order of cdontata —that is, one which is without teeth." " I can," replied Tommy, hi« face beaming with the pleasure of assured knowledge. "Well, what is it?" asked the teacher. " Grandpa !" Bunting (to policeman): "I understand you secured tho discharge of Officer O'Brien for sleeping on duty. That was right." Officer Mulcahy: "Yes, son. Ycz. i:ee, me an' O'Brien hud a nice corner to go to f'hlape in ivery noight, but O'Brion snored thot loud Oi cuddent shlape at all, 60 Oi reported him." —-Brown: "What do you mean by mo like this,? You said this

chain I bought here would last a l'fctime, and here's all the plating worn off in a month!" Isaacs: " Mine frie-ndt, I said dot chain vould last you a lifetime, pacause ven you puy it you look so ill I didn't tink you would live der week oudt." angrilv, " this is the third time you have proposed to me. Didn't I teU you tne- last time not to do it again?" "Y-yes, I b-believe you did," stammered the persistent young man in tba parlour scene, "But I—eh—forgot." "Oh, you forgot, eh?" she sneered. "Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson that you won't forgst scon. 'You have proposed: to me for tho last time." " Why," he queried, after the manner of hk kind, " What are you going to do?" " I'm going to accept you,' sh<» replied. "That's what I'm going to do.'' —" Pedro, I owe about 3000 francs, M said a Parisian grocer to his shopman "Yes, sir-" —"I have 2COO francs in --h* safe, but the shop is empty. I think it is tho right moment to fad." —"That's just what I think." —" But I want a plausible pretext, for my creditors. You have plenty of brains. Think the matter over tonight and to-morrow morning." The clerk promised to think it carefully over. On entering the shop next morning the grocer found the safe open, the money gone, and in its place a note, whioh ran as follows: "I have taken the 2000 francs, and am off to America. It is excuse you can give to your creditors."