A TANGLED WEB.

Otago Witness, 1 June 1910, Page 77

A TANGLED WEB.

BEING THE ADVENTURES OP AN EMU RIDER.

By F. D'A. C. De L'lsls.

[All Rights Reserved.]

No. I.—THE PLOT.

She was busily dusting the breakfast •room, that did duty for library, smoking den, reception room, etc., for Jack Mayhew, barrister-at-law, of Temple Court, in the Fleet, London. She was middleaged, bony, with a very decidedly retrousse and aggressively red-ended nasal organ, and a halo of ill-arranged carrotcoloured hair, that shone around her carewon countenance with the radiance of an electric bunch of headlights. Truly, her nose and her hair were remarkable, and she would have been ever conspicuous owing to these unfashionable glories; but when was added to these negative charms a perennial and assertive cold in the head the attractions of Mrs Dickson, charwoman and housekeeper to unattached gentlemen, became stupendous, and undeniably prominent. She "did for" Mr Jack Mayhew, and her large and voluminous maiden heart throbbed with a powerful, though unsuspected passion for the object of her daily labours. Her outspoken remarks, made to herself whilst at work, will best describe her feelings. "Dust, dust, dust! all day long!" she sniffed, as she went the .ound of bookshelves, chairs, and tables, with a, con-sumptive-looking feather duster. "It it wardt a labour of love, I'b 'agded if I'd slave for gedts all day logd for ted bob a, week! But me pore, lode 'art 'as gode out to Bister Jack, add for 'is Bake I'd work be fidgers to the bode! Hi'b afraid 'e's dreadful 'ard up. But what batters? If I cad h'odly wid 'is pure ad udadulterated haffectiods I could live hod a crust hudtil the weather breaks. Hi bead hudtil 'e becobes fabous! Hi sobetibes thidks 'e loves be —but h'oh! it's 'ard to tell! Whed 'e looks at be with theb great, dreaby heyes I feels all hover alike, as it were. 'E bust surely see by devotiob for hib! 'Off I does battle to bake 'is bornig chops eatable! Badd the steak hof ad evedig, by arbs fair ache hafter pondig hit so's to bake hit tedder! 'Ow I should lobe to be his wife! Ha! cad I be 'is wife? Though Dicksod was reported as dead, Hi'b doways certaid hof it! But I'd risk heverythink if Bister Jack was willidg." It will be gathered from the above that Mrs Dickson was pretty far gone as regards Mr Jack Mayhew, and even the idea of a prosecution for bigamy did not horrify her when weighed.in the balance with the virgin affections of her employer. He strolled in presently with his bosom friend, a briefless barrister like himself, named Dawson. They were both young men, and both presentable, well educated, well bom, and really well dressed. " Hullo! Mrs Dickson. Cleaning up?" asked May hew casually. "Yues, sir. Lebbe take youT 'at add coat, Bister Bay hew. By! but you do look tired! ; Ard work to-day, I'b thidkidg! Ah ! well, you're hobe dow, add Hi'll sood hrifig you sobethidg to cheer you hup"!" "Yes, please, Mrs Dickson, do. There's a shilling. Would you-^er —run the cutter?" asked the tveary-lookiing barrister, as he sank into a deep and comfortable armchair. <; Hadythidk to oblige you, Bister Bayhew! 1 ' gushed the red-headed charwoman, making for the door, muttering sotto voce, " By! how by pore heart does palpitate whed 'e looks at be that way!" "Strikes me, old fellow, that Carrots is getting decidedly spooney on you!" remarked Tvlr Dawson languidly from* ..the depths of a second armchair. "May I offer my congratulations ?" "Rather premature, I'm afraid, dear boy. . The lady, must wait." : 'Barkis not willin', eh?" "Not much! I'm no consoler of plain, lone widows. Widows is pizen!" "She's very attentive to you. I'm left out in the cold entirely." "Not entirely!" replied Mayhew, lighting a villainous-looking clay pipe. "'She has more cold than you've got. I'll give you a deed of transfer to her affections with all the pleasure in the world." . "Much obliged, Bister Bayhew; but my hands are full enough just now. Though, heaven knows, I make but little headway. It's the greatest bore in the world. Here am I, ready to take Grace to my arms at a moment's notice, and there is Grace ready to fall into my arms like a ripe peach, and her beast of a .guardian refuses to Jet us be mutually happy! Confound her uncle in Australia!" " With all my heart, dear boy! Hang the uncle in Australia. . Notwithstanding, what has the uncle in Australia got to do with it, dear boy?'' " Everything in the world, since he is Grace Dignam's sole surviving relative; and under old vhat's-his-name's will, his consent is absolutely necessary.'.' "Who is old What's-his-name?" . "Oh the deceased rich uncle who left Grace all his money, subject to his brother's control." "Ah! And how about old thing-um-bob the schoolmistress-guardian, at < Elstree?" ■ , , . "She is only a sort of locum-tenens, replied Dawson wearily. "Everything has to be referred to the uncle in Australia." " That's deuced awkward, dear boy!" murmured his friend, sympathetically. "Devilish! You see, when I asked Mrs Bates last year if I could rnary Grace, she Submitted my proposal per next mail to Australia. Fancy having to propose, as it were, all round the world!" , ' ■'"■' Sort of Cook's excursion: proposal! By the' "way, ie this woiidfer-

ful uncle? To the best of my recollection I never heard that awful name when I was in Sydney. What did you call him, dear boy? Kill-and-squeezer?" " No, * no ; Kalmanezer," replied Mr Dawson, not liking his friend's sarcasm; "The uncle that is dead was a big don. in the mining days. Made his pile with his pick, and all that sort of thing. His brother is a professor of science in Australia. He has sole control of the Kal- | manezer fortune, until Grace is of age. i Mrs Dignam, Grace's mother, was a sister ; of the. Gold King." , . j "Oh! And the existing aboriginal pro- . fessor of science—what is he?" ! " Oh, he's a regular bookworm, with cranks' and hobbies of the most proi nounced nature." " Your proposal was forwarded to nim ( j Of course he said ' No'!" "No, he did not. The proposal reached 1 him just when he was about to start out • on an exploring expedition into the NeverNever Land, in the cause of natural science, and he sent a note back saying that on his return he would come to England and inspect the presumptuous biped who aspired to the hand of his niece. Rej ferenoes, etcetera, being satisfactory, he ' would consider the case." (J j " Rather rough on you two, dear boy ! Maybew lighted his pipe reflectively, j "I should think so. What a soulless i old heathen he must be. No sympathy f for his fellow-creatures evidently!" " My boy, he must be cast-iron. Do you know "the date of his return?" j " It's quite indefinite," mournfully. •"He might be away for years!" > "Oh! a regular Kathleen Mavourneen j affair. Can't you marry on your own. : hook?" i "Well, I do not know. But then, you j see, in that case Grace would lose her ''fortune. Old thingamy especially pro- { vided in his will against needy adventurers." j "Ah! you're one, dear boy!' remarked ' his friend nonchalantly. | "I suppose I am. Heaven knows I | don't want her for her money. I wouid i take her without that, but a briefless bari rister cannot afford domestic blie6." | "Not much, dear boy! Your pennorth of half-and-half and a free lunch in Fleet | street would not go far in a large family. I Better take 'Carrots'; she's accustomed to I it!" "Bosh!" ejaculated Dawson contemytuj ously. "In any case, I don't suppose the ' bookworm will give his consent." j "That's deuced awkward, as I've said !' before, dear boy. Has this fossil ever \ been over to this side of the herring pond?" "Never. Grace was born in Victoria, | and was sent over here after her mother's } death, when still very young, by the great [ Kalmanezer." A diffident rapping at the room door elicited from Mayhew the jovial remark: j "Ah, here's the soup! Come in. Thank \ you, Mrs Dickson. Try a gargle?" j "Ho! do, Bister Bayhew!" gushed the ? golden-topped charwoman. "Hi dever \ touches hit. Dough.bind you. Hi'd dever I object to a usbidg a-takid of a drop hocj casional whed 'e were weary hafter 'is ! work. Dridg 'earty, Bister Bayhew ; Hi > likes to see yer cobfortable. Cad Hi do ! adythidg bore for you? A bit o' bread j add cheese ——" | "And kisses, eh, Mrs Dickson?" put in , Dawson maliciously. j "Steady, Charlie, dear boy," murmured i Mayhew, twisting uncomfortably in his | chair. ! "Ho, sir, dodt be cobbod! Hi knows i be positiod, Hi 'opes, though Hi ham ha i widow! Bister Bayhew wouldn't speak so dow, would you, Mister Bayhew?" I The ruby-crowned widow simpered and \ leered persuasively at the wriggling worm. i "Bather not, Mrs Dickson!" he exi claimed, anxious to appease her. "Charlie j is too fond of chaff, I m afraid !" | "Do let be bring you a bit o' bread add | cheese," she giggled nervously. "Aheb! ! you bust feel 'udgry !" I "No, thank you—really, I'm not at all ' peckish. Are you, dear boy?" j "Not a bit! Don't trouble, Mrs Dick- ! son. I'll call if we require anything." f "Orl right, sir. Hi'b cleadidg up the j stove, hadd Hi'll be about for the dext • half-hour." She walked slowly out of the < divine presence, whispering to herself, - "Kisses! Ha ! 'e could have a billiod if 1 he odly said the word!" i Dawson grinned at his 'comrade, and ! smilingly quoted : "Ladies, don't start, if I say that Love's J darfc j Should be aimed at man's stomach, instead i of his heart! i Carrots has learned experience, evidently. She means to capture you by elementary attentiveness, Jack. Pity she has a - chronic cold in her head. It . retards courting!" "Look here, Charlie, dear boy, I won't ! have you trying to compromise me. If i you don't look out youll have Carrots { proposing to me soon." Mayhew raised I a warning finger. "Remember, this is | leap year. No larks, dear boy." i "Seriously, Jack, I think the lady is ] very much in love with you. You really • shouldn't encourage her !" ' "Confound you, you oaf ! I never say a ; word to the hag if I can help it. What j the devil d'you mean?" I "Nothing, nothing!" But, do be careful She'll make it warm for you one of these days." i - "It,will be your fault if she does," rei plied Mayhew, filling himself a tankard \ of ale from the jug the charwoman had brought in. "As for your case, it's up a 1 tree, dear, boy! You had better change j your mind. Here's luck !" I "Never!" exclaimed Dawson, springing , up energetically and using his right arm like a semaphore. "Though the stars '■ may fall, and the heavens be riven • asunder, Til cling to my love !" ;; "Like a porous, plaster My boy, you're : quite poetic. - You will have to get her reconciled to the four-half and a toasted bloater!" . 1 Dawson helped himself from the fag

before he replied: "That's the devil of it! Though she loves me to distraction, she will not marry without her guardian's sanction." "Your case is a clear nonsuit, dear boy. Here's success to the cause of temperance, and may I be retained to conduct the case for the plaintiffs." He took a long pull at the pewter, and then looked up inquiringly. "You cannot inveigle her into marriage?" "I wouldn't dream of it," replied Dawson indignantly. "That beer has brightened my narrow intellect! Why not try finesse, dear boy ? Get some clever man to impersonate the old uncle in Australia. Let him visit Elstree. Let him be charmed with your noble individuality and abnormal talents. Bless you, my children, bless you!" Mayhew hobbled across the room as though leaning on a stick, and imitated an octogenarian perfectly. "Knot tied, honeymoon trip, my, boy! Fraudulent uncle returns to Australia with married couple. Genuine article charmed with your nobility, as before, after touching interview, and everything ends happily." Dawson started, and nearly upset his refreshment in his wild excitement. "By Jove, Jack, you've given me an idea!" "My boy, I have? I think you're mistaken. A briefless advocate, like yourself, I never give anything; I must charge for my advice. Five guineas, please!" "Hang it, don't chaff. It's really feasible," exclaimed Dawson. "What is, dear boy?" "Why, the personation idea." "My boy, you would be indicted for conspiracy, and probably get 14 years!" Dawson moved his chair closer to his friend, and went on with great and emphatic confidence: "That's all rot! You see, once married, the old fossil in Australia might be approached with much more ease, and I feel sure I could reconcile Grace to the fraud. I will try it, hang me if I don't! Any you are.the man to help me!" He clapped Mayhew on. the back with great aplomb. "My boy, I? How"?" gasped Mayhew, red in the face and open-mouthed, like a paralytic mullet. "By doing the eccentric uncle from Australia!" said Dawson.

"Oh! I'm to. take all the risks, and you're to get the sweet biscuits. My boy 1" "Now, look here, Jack, you're the best old man impersonator I ever saw. Properly made up, you would be the image of the Australian uncle. I've seen hie picture, and I will fix you up as to drees and history. You have juet returned from Sydney, and you have got the country at your fingers' ende. Go down to Elstree for me, pretend that you have come back unexpectedly from the scientific expedition to get instruments, booke, etc. ; make mattere smooth for me, and when I am married I will settle an annuity of a hundred a year upon you." "My boy, you will.'" exclaimed Mayhew with mock aetoniebment. "Where are you going to get it from?" "Now, don't be personal!" replied Dawson in conciliating accents. "You know that. I ehall be in a position to do so some day. It sounds. mercenary, but to win Grace I would do anything. Will you hel'p_me?" "That requires coneideration, dear boy! I might get bowled out before the happy event comes off. What then?" "You'll not get bowled out. Not a in England knows the uncle Kalmanezer. They have only his portrait to go by." "Supposing he turns' up suddenly?" argued Mayhew. "He will not. Here, look at this paper. It is one Grace sent me with that paragraph marked out in ink. It is the latest' Australasian, and the marked paragraph says : 'The Kalmanezer expedition has left the last of the boundary townships, and has camped in the Never-never Country.' They are bound to be there for months, if not for years.. The game is in our hands!" "My boy, your plausibility beguiles me. I should like to help you. Dewi'ibe me thi.3 aboriginal uncle !" "He is tall and angular, sallow complexion ; a regular mummy-bookworm, and that sort of thing. Very original. Soaked with science, anthropology, geology, flora, fauna, and natural history —an encyclopedia, in fact. , Be original, and in a fortnight you will capture the hearts at Elstree !" "I hope so, dear boy. By the bye, whom shall I meet there?" asked Mayhew. "Mrs Bates, her sister Honor a, who won't grow old : Grace, and Nina Baker, the giddiest little butterfly in petticoats; while I shall often be there to buck you up," said Dawson encouragingly. "Quite a little family party," commented Mayhew seriously. Then, springing to his feet, he grasped his friend's hand. "My boy, I'm your man! Charlie, I'm your Moses! You won't forget that hundred a year, will you?" "My happiness depends on you, Jack. Go in and win." "Or come out in jail, eh?" replied Mayhew pathetically. "Rubbish ! If things do not come to a head in a fortnight I give you leave to chuck it." "It's a bargain, dear boy ! I'll get Brooks to send a cable home for me from Aden. See here!" He sat at the table and wrote rapidly: "Wingfleld Brooks, Shepherd's, Aden. Despatch following cable for me. Important business." "What's your girl's full name, dear boy?" "Grace Dignam will do." "Right! 'Miss Grace, Dignam, Elstree. Have left expedition, and am on my way to England. Prepare to receive me.' What's the bookworm's name?" "Abednego Mayflower Kalmanezer." "Great Scott! Ah, I have it: 'Prepare to meet your saintedj uncle 'Nego.' How's that?" He looked triumphantly at his friend, who turned angrily, shouting: "No, no, no,' no; that will not do at

all. That's not his etyle. He is a crank on titles. Sign his nam© in full." "My boy, spoils the effect! Ah, well, 'Prepare to meet me.—Abednego Mayflower Kalmanezer.' Now to business. The die is cast; the game's begun. That cable will reach Elstree to-morrow, and Abednego Mayflower will arrive by the next Australian mail."

"That's it. Mind you give them the antipodes hot and strong. Southern Cross, kangaroos, camels, nuggets of gold, and all that," advised Dawson impressively. "All right, dear boy. Spare me that. I am not at all likely to go wrong on Australia. What will most trouble me will be the uncle. Heavens! what a contract." "It's worth a hundred a year," said Dawson. "If I ever get it!" exclaimed Mayhew lugubriously. "You cannot fail. Between us we ought to work it easily in a fortnight." "And would you be married immediately';" "If not sooner," replied Dawson, filling the tankards again. "Here's success to our stratagem!" Mayhew sprang up, full of vitality, shouting: "Mr Vice, the King! Gentlemen—the King! Ahem! Slightly premature. Success to the stratagem, dear boy!" They both drank the toast heartily enough. "Now, I must fix up my wardrobe and make-up box. Good-bye, dearboy —we shall meet at Philippi" "Pansy Villa," replied. Dawson. "You had better get that cable away. I'll go with you. Wait a bit!" He rapidly wrote a message on a card and affixed it to the door: "Down at Elstree on heavy case. Wire if wanted for anything serious." "There; that will look professional and imposing if any stranger should chance to call."

- "Are you shutting up shop, too, dear boy?" "Until the campaign is over. Come along. Remember what I said: be "original!" "My boy, I will lay the guileless unction to my heart. On my brain shall be branded 'Be original,' " replied Mayhew enthusiastically. "And a bookworm," added Dawson. "And. a bookworm, dear boy," echoed Mayhew with conviction. ''Up to date! Soaked with service!" added Dawson. "My boy, with service oozing out of every pore!" He linked his arm in Dawson's. "Bravo!" shouted Dawson, excited. " Bravissimo!" yelled Mayhew, more so. They cake-walked to the door, flung it open, and ran slap into Mrs Dickson, who was on the point of entering the room. The conspirators started back with guilty eiuirprise. "Was you goidjg out agaid, Bister Bayhew?" asked the charwoman plaintively. Dawson came quickly to the rescue. "Yes, Mr Mayhew is going away on a visit to some friends in the country for a fortnight or so. You need only 'do' for me until he returns, Mrs Dickson." "I see what you bead, sir," . with a sniff. "Very sudded you bade hup your bind. Bister .Bayhew. Hi 'opes as 'ow you'll look after yourself, add keep hout of draughts. Bind you dod't get your feet wet, Bister Bayhew! Will yoiu have anybody to look hafter you where you hare goidg, Bister Bayhew?" "Oh, yes, Mrs Dickson. Several ladies, I believe. Don't you worry yourself about me. Er—good-bye," replied Mayhew limply. "Good-bye for the present. I'll be ready for breakfast just as usual tomorrow, Mrs Dickson. By-bye for the present!" said Dawson; then, turning to his friend, whispered in an aside, "Kiss old Carrots good-bye!" "Oh„ d !" exclaimed Mayhew as he strode angrily out of the room. Dawson crazed at the crown of toasted red locks before him, and muttering to himself, " Well, I can't fancy it, anyway. Here's off!" bolted after his friend.

Mrs Dickson threw up her hands tragically, and took the stage a la Bernhardt as she cried hysterically: "Gode! Re's gode! Hadd Hi ab left alode! Godefore a. whole fordnight! Gode to the caressidg a.rbs of sev'ral bother wobed! Hah! I'b tord with jealousy. The greed-eyed bodster tears at by 'eart. Bister Bayhew 'as left 's 'appy 'dbe, hadd beed hadd gode hadd dode'for be. Hi could screab with agody. By paid is too deep for bords. But beware. Bister Bayhew! If you plays be false, I sware—hoh, I sware—to 'ave by revedge. Revedge! Hi'll ab revedge. Hi'll watch hib. Hi'll fide out where 'e's gode, add Hi'U follow hib add watch hib! Hadd if Hi fide out he's false to be, fake to ball the doble attributes hof a bad hadd a igedtlebad, Hi'll dedoudee'. the chickenhearted traitor, before hall 'is bother wobed. Hi sware it. So beware, Bister Bayhew! Baria Jade Dicksod is od your track." J Had either Mayhew or Dawson ever dreamt of tjhe coimplicatiions that this jealolus woman was to heap upon the other thousandfold dilemmas that were to beset their paths in the near future, thev would have ended their woes there and then by an expeditious and certain departure from this weary world. (To be continued.)