FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, 1 June 1910, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

■— He: "Ana can you cot return my love?" She: ''Yes, I do—with thanks." --Diner: ''Ere, waiter, this chop's smelling!" Waiter: "Well, hold it'? .lese." People who pride themselves on "always speaking their mind" seldom have any to speak of. Cabby (to oid lady;.- "Fly, ma'am?" Lady: "Bless yen, no, man; it takes me all my time to walk." Mi Short: "Wouid you like me better if I wore taller?" Pansy: "No; I wouldn't love you any longer." "Aw, I 6ivppose you don't keep puppy biscuits in this benighted' village?"—"Oh yes, sir. In a bag, or eat 'em 'ere, sir?' Deerboye ■ "Don't you think travel bioadeus. the mind?" Miss Sharps: "Yes; you should take a trio round the world." Mr Rich: "I suppose you find' that a baby brightens up tho house?" Mr Benedict: 'Yes; we burn nightly twice the gas we used to." Miss Screech: 'Yes, mamma has kept the wolf from the door for years by her singing " Professor Diggs: "Hem—no wonder!" She: "Is it true that champagne will bleach people's hair?" He: "Well, rather. I've seen lots of people made light-headed with it." "How long has the doctor been treating your wife?" —"Treating her! If you saw his bills you wouldn't think there was much treating about it." Husband: "After all. civilisation has its drawbacks. People in the savage state seldom get. ill." Wife (sweetly) : "I wonder if that's the reason you're so healthy." Wife: "I do believe that I am getting fatter every day " Husband: "Humph! I little thought when I married you that I was getting a wife on the instalment plan." Rustic: "What bo you fishin' for, mister?" Fisherman: "Oh—er— just- for recreation." Rustic: "Well, you won't catch any. There be nowt but minnows and mud-eels there." Motorist: "As it !•' my fault that you wore upset, I will make good your damage at once. How much do you want?" Victim: "How much dees the gracious gentleman usually pay?" Wife: "That vicious dog next door bit mother again this morning, and I'd like to k.iow what you're loin? to do about it?" Husband: "I'll ask him how much he wants for the dog." Young Medico: 'What is the secret of your success?" Old 'Un: "I make it a rule to find out what the patient wants to do. Then I order him to do it. 1 ' Young Wife: "This dish, dearest, is an original composition of mv "own." Husband : "Well, I should rather, my pet, that you would cook after the old masters." "Jenkins |'s a mam. of remarkable perseverance."—"ls he?"—"Yes, indeed. He has tried six different kinds of hair restorer and he hasn't given un the fight yet" Traveller: "Can't you hurry that horse up a bit?" Driver: "'Fraid I can't, stranger. I've tried everything 'cept twisting his tail, an' I'm saving that for the climb up the hill." Young Jcckson: "Mr Johnson, your daughtei has promised to marry, me." 01' Johnson : "Great Scot! That's what comes of refusing to buy her a pug dog! She said she'd get even with me!" "Now, Tommy, do you understand thoroughly whv I am going tc whip you?" —"Yes, pa. You're in a bad temper this morning, and you've got to hit somebody before you feel satisfied." but once," said an old man—"when my feet were bare, and' I had no money to buy shoes; "but I met a man without feet, and. became contented.'" Oassidy: "Shu re how kin ye say ye save money? Iv'ry cinfc ye ivgr make ye spend. Ye lay none of it by.'' Casey: "That's how I save. If I lay any of it by some wan would come along an' borrow it, an' that'd be th' ind of it." Young Lady: "You say you were en a raft for six weeks, and had nothing to eat but mution. Where did you get the mutton from?" Old Salt: "Well, vou sec, miss, the sea was very choppy!" Little Mary: "My father has a diamond shirt stud!" Little Anna: "Well, my father has a diamond ring!" Little Emma: "Huh! My father bss a carbuncle on his nose!" "Ah! I've seen some rough times, sir. Once we were wrecked, and we'd eaten all our provisions. Then we ate our belts, and then the shio turne-j' turtle, and we ate her too!'' Mistress (proudly) "My husband, Bridiget, is a colonel in the Militia." Bridget: "I thought as much, ma'am. Sure, it's th' foine malicious 'ook he has, ma'am." Society Woman: ''l see oy to-day s paper I am referred to as 'one of fashion's butterflies'" Her Husband: "Considering the way you go through clothes', I should think 'moth' would apply better." Teacher: "Johnny Jim son, why were you not at school yesterday?" Pupil: "Please, ma'am, I was convalescin'." Teacher (in surprise): "From what, pray?" Pupil: "Three apple dumplin's an' a paoket of cigarettes." Bingo: "There's a big boy waiting for you outside the gate, Bobbie, and he is turning up his trousers at the bottom. What does he do that for?" Bobbie (meekly): "I suppose he expects to wade in my gore." "Don't you think,' suggested the old friend of the family, "that you would do well to keep a watch on your ©on?" "Impossible," replied young Gailey's father; "it wouldn't be long before he'd' exchange ib for a pawn ticket." Returning from school the other afternoon, little Edith proudly informed her mother that ehe had karned to "punohuate." "Well, dear," said mamma, "and how is it, dons?" "You see, mamma," explained Edith, "when you write 'Hark!' you put a hatpin after it, and when you ask a question vou out down a buttonhook." A candidate for municipal honours, ilrll»ted by the heckling and the groans of discontent from the back benches, exclaimed: "Well, I don't care what you say, you've got to have me whether you like it or no*." m "Why, guv'nor," inquired a plaintive voice from the back of the hall, "you ain't the Woomin' measles, are you?" i There was joy in the home of a family ! ,jn the poorer quarters of London, for they I W-d received fmn the baker's a pio of far

greater sizo than the moan little pie they had sent to be ccoked. But when Gus served it out his. wife exclaimed: "Well, Gus, we have been married now nearly thirty .years, and this i 3 the first time you have served mo first." "Hush, hush. 'Liza!" replied Gus. ''l know very well that the- man who owns this pi© will be saying 'I hone the first bite chokes the one who cats it." Get on with your dinner, like a :ycod woman."

—• The bravo ship was wallowing' in the waves that threatened to engulf her at any moment. Hastily tho caT)tain ordered a box of rockets and flares .o be brought to tho rail, and with his own. hands ignited' a number of them, in the hope that they would be seen and the passengers and crew rescued. Amid the rockets-' red glare a tall, thin, austere individual found his way with difficulty to the rail and spoko to the captain. ''Captain," said he, "I protest. W'e aro now facing death. This is no time for a firework display." There was excitement on the banks of a river, for a man had fallen in. His "-«s brought people to the rescue. One man ran towards the river, and, throwing off his ooat and hat as bo ran. it wa* evident ho intended plunging in to save the drowning; man. Another individual ran after the first, and it, was apparent from his shout that his chief anxiety was nob for the man in the water. "Take that wesket off, too, Bill Smith, for if you jump in with my wesket on you'll never get the loan of it again " This tale is ascribed, on high authority, to Ireland It concerns a doctor who had so often gone without his fee that he decided to go no morb with- strangers unless he was paid beforehand. Thereafter came a, man by night from some remote hamlet, and' demanded aid for his wife. The doctor parleyed from the window. "I must have two guineas first," said ho. There were sounds of debate boiow, and the voice of ono counselling the sorrowful husband: "Ah, ye'd better be paying him. The wake and the funeral would cost ye more."

"Any article removed from the window," was the notice- prominently displayed afc an outfitter's shop. Attracted by it, a supercilious person entered the shop and asked to be allowed' to inspect a particularly vivid' tie in the front row The salesman having disarranged the window and brought out the desired object, the supercilious person remarked: "Rather loud, isn't it?" "Well, somewhat striking," agreed the shopman. "I thought so," replied the visitor, as he turned to leave the shop. "It offends my taste. You needn't put it back. Good day 1"