FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2925, 6 April 1910, Page 74

FUN AND FANCY

"Do you understand French?"—"At times." —"At times! When?" —"When I talk it to myself." "Barker is living a life of poverty, sobriety and obedience." —"In a monastery, I suppose?"—"No; in a jail." - —William: "Is he one of your close relations?" Joseph: "He is. I've never been able to borrow a farthing from him." Collector: "This, bill has been, standing for four years." Mr Hardup: "Then why don't you give it a rest?" Lady: "I hope you go to Sunday school regularly, my little man." Little Man: "Dat's what ma hopes, too.'' She: "In painting I suppose you paint the country green and " He (an artist and Bohemian): "The town red." Mrs Newly wed: "Don't you like girl babies, Mr Oldbach?" Oldbaoh: "Er—yes —very much indeed —after they are grown up." "This audience," murmured the comedian, who was deputising for a popular favourite, "leave no turn 1 unstoned." "Poor chap! Everything he earns goes on his wife's back." —"Well, if you had ' seen her at the opera you wouldn't think he earned much." visit to us, Mr Smith."—"Oh, well, she is the sort of girl who can enjoy herself anywhere, you know." Tommy: "Pop, what does the Bible mean by ' having eyes- they see not, and •having ears the* hear not'?" Tommy's Pop: "Chaperons, my son." "Wilt fly with me?" asked the ardent swain.—" All depends,' 7 answered the practical girl, "Is that a proposal, or merely an invitation to go aviating?" Diner:, "How long is my chop going to be, waiter?" Waiter (absent-mindedly): "Regulation size, sir—five and a-half by two and a-half, trimmed, sir." Miss Gusher: "You would be surprised if I were to tell you that I am past 25, wouldn't you?" The Brute: "I should be surprised—at your telling me." Porter (at country hotel): ''lf the bed's too short, stick your feet through the hole in the wall. But leave your boots on, so I can black 'em in the morning." Tommy: "Ma, may I play make b'lieve that I'm entertainin' another little -boy?" Ma: "Certainly, dear." Tommy: "All right; gimme some cake for him, then." 0 wad some power..here below The giftie gie us Always to see the men we owe Before they see us!

"What impressed you most —the Pyramids of Egypt or the padogas of China?" "Oh, I don't know. They both made- good backgrounds for photographs of our party." Father, to lazy son: "I can't imagine how you can dislike work; to me it's real enjoyment. Son: "Yes, father ; but I don't want to give myself up wholly to pleasure!" He (giving her her first skating lesson): "Fear nething, miss; I have won ten medals." She: "For fancy skating?" He: "No; for saving people from drowning." She ' (to partner claiming first dance): "You are an early bird, Mr Glossinest." He (gallantly): "Yes, and by Jove! I've caught the worm! What!" "What! ie it possible you don't know that prosperity has returned? Where have you been the past six of town?" —"No ; out of a job." Gibbs: "What makes you think they had theatres in Pharaoh's time?" Dibbs: "Didn't Joseph's brethren remove him from the family circle and put him in the pit?"

"Oh, Mr Jones," .gushed the recentlypromoted chorus lady, as the sorely-tried stage manager finally lost his temper, "I am trying!"—"You are!" roared the stagemanager—"very I" "Did you ever make any money hacking horses, Milligam?"—"T made forty quid wance."—"How did you do ut?" —"I backed huh down a pub. cellar, and sued the landlord for leaving the flap opem." Miss Elder: "I will bet you anything you like that I never marry." Mr Easy: "I'll take you." Miss Elder (rapturously): "Will you, really! Then I meed not bet at all."

"Your cousin's medical .practice, I suppose, doesn't amount to much yet?"—"No, I'm sorry to say. We relatives do all we can, however; but, of course, we can't be ill all the time!"

. Artist: "Now give me your candid opinion of this Critic: "It is utterly worthless." Artist: "Yes; I know your opinion is worthless, but I am curious to hear it, nevertheless/'

Yeast: "I think I came up in the train with your wife yesterday." Crimsonbeak: "Did you notice her teeth?" —"No; 6he didn't open her mouth once.''' —"Oh, Well, "it wasn't my wife, then." "The manager of the theatrical cornparry always keeps back a portion of the villain's salary."—"Whv does he do thatafraid he'd skip?"—"No; but he always acts the part better when he's angry." Mrs Skinflint: "Oh, John! Mary, the parlourmaid, has just swallowed a shilling! Whatever ©hall we do?" Old Skinflint: "Do? Well. I suppose we'd better let her keep it. She'd have expected a Christmas box, anyhow!" Mrs Crawford: "You must love your husband very dearly if you save all the letters he sends you while you're in the country." Mrs Crabshaw: "I'm keeping them for comparison, my dear; I'm sure to catch him in a lie."

Graeie: "Oh, Mr Noooyne, how lovely of you to bring me these beautiful roses! How sweet they are, and bow fresh"! I do believe there is a little dew on them yet!" Nocoyne: "W-well, yes, there is; but I'll pay it to-morrow." "There is a great deal of egotism in the profession," said the leading man. — "There is," answered Mr Stormimgton. BaiHses, with a touch of sorrow in his tone. "I am astonished to see how many actors appear to think they play Hamlet as well as I do."

A legal luminary recently entered a oity restaurant and was approached by a waiter, who observed cheerfully, "I have devilled kidneys, pigs' feet, and calves' brains." —"Have 'you? 7 ' ccolly asked the lawyer. "Well, what are your troubles to me? I came here to eat."

The grocer's boy was lumbering tip the kitchen stairway with his arms full of packages. "Eoy," said the mistress of the house, somewhat sharply, "are your feet clean?" —"Yes'm," ha answered, still climb-

ing the stairs. "It's only me boots that's dirty." "Don't take it so hard," said the syra- : pathising friend; "remember that though I your daughter is married you have not lost i her."—"l know it," sobbed the bride's ! mother "That's the trouble. Julia and her husband have already picked out the best room in the house for theirs." "But, my dear sir, your play does not even touch the chords of humanity," remarked a theatrical lessee, referring to a comedy that he had deigned to scan.— "What? No human touch? Great Scot!" exclaimed the dramatist. "And the hero lis always borrowing money from his '■■ friends." "Well, did he pay you?" asked the | wife of a dentist who had been to collect i a bill for a full set of false teeth that he I had made for a man almost a. year before. — j "Pay 'me!" growled the dentist. "Not only did he refuse to pay me, but he ! actually had the effrontery to gnash at me j —with my teeth!" —■ A pale, wan woman on her deathbed ! said in a weak voice to her husb&ed: i "Henry, if I die, promise me one thing."— j "Gladly, my poor darling. What is it I I am to promise?"—"Promise me that you will marry Mary Simpson."—The man started. "But," he said, "I thought you hated her." —"I do, Henry," the dying i woman "I want to get even with her?" A traveller rested at noon at a wayside hostelry and took luncheon. When it was finished he asked lor_ his bill. The landlord brought it to him. After casting a glance at it, he looked at Boniface and said, "What is your mam©?"—"Mv name," replied the landlord, "is Partridge. *—"Ah," said the traveller, "by the length of your bill I should have thought it would have been Wcodcock!"

Kirsty M'Dougall, who lived in a remote Highland parish, had a visit from her Edinburgh niece®, who were to spend a week or two with the old lady. She determined to show them off on Sunday at the ancient village kirk of Lochaber. The young ladiesi wore costumes of the purest snowy white. At one point of his sermon the minister, in speaking of .the angels, was heard to say, "And who are these in white array?" To the consternation of the congregation, Kirsty was heard to exclaim.: "It's me two nieces, sir frae Edinburgh."