FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2924, 30 March 1910, Page 71

FUN AND FANCY.

—Jo not be 'u hurry ho succeed. Wbat would vou have :o live for afterwards? trie axle said when it. broke away from the cart wheel Most of our .millionaires begarr at the bottom am worked up Their sons begin at the top and work down. --- The girl who cannot talk at all —provided she can look—can count on a better 'ime than she who neve'r stops talking. "Waiter, that turbot was not so good a that 1 had last week!" —"You astonish n© sir. It was a bit :4 the same fish!" _ "Ah, and now I suppose you will go home to youi mother."—"l will not. I'll get my mother to come here." The husband gasps i She (at tho ball): Oh, she s a debutante—she's coming out." He : "That, gown of hers is. so low that if she isn t careful she'll fall out" Laughter, says the poet, is the adipose tissue which softens man's points- of contact with a hard world. Laughter, says the philosopher, is dynamic common sense. --Obscured by the dusty turmoil of_ party "warfare, a stupendous issue is being slowly fought out. "The waist line," says a. fashion paper, "is assuming its normal posi L 'ion

'Object t< ray language, do you? "Well, I believe in calling things, by tlysir right names."—"Oh, that's all right. But couldn't you. manage to call them in a whisper?" ' ',,,,. ~> , -fle (truculently): "I see there s a man h France has murdered three of his wives in succession. I'd like to see the man that would murder me!" Him: 'So would I my dear!" —The absence of noise, says a nerve specialist, often proves most disturbing in the case of thoss whe dwell in cities. That, probably, is why we sleep so peacefully throughout our Wagner concerts. Nervous Party: "The train seems to be travelling at a fearful pace ma'am." Elderly Female: "Yus. ain't it? My Bills » drivin' of the mgin, an' 'e can make er go-when je's got a drop o' drink in 'im. > Servant. "There's no coal, mum, an the fire is goih' out." Mistress: "Why, Norah, you should have told me that before." Servant: "I couldn't tell you there ■was no coal, mum, when there was coal." The mental condition of the average man on the subject of "eminino politics is one of bewilderment. There is, to begin with, his initial doubt as to whether it is possible for him to understand woman at ail

Gladys: "Oh, Jiiamiria! Here's a note from that toi3g-haired pianist. -Be says it will be impossible foi tun? to play at our reception to-night." Mamma: ''What's the trouble?" Gladys: "Someone stole his wig"

"One kiss," pleaded a departing lover. "Nonsense," exclaimed his fiancee in a teasiug mood. ''Someone might see us." —"Who!?"—"Why, - the clock—it has a_ face." —"Yes. but it keep 3 ite hands in front of it -'"

"What is a domestic animal, mother?" asked a little, boy. "A domestic animal," replied the lady, with a scornfub glance at paterfamilias, • who was putting on his coat, "is one who does not -pend all his time *♦ the club." - —"Oh. me. lady, me lady, 1 have lost ■little Alaster Algernon in the park."— "Good heavens?' Why didnt you tell a policeman at once?"—"But, me lady, I —l wa? speaking to one when Master Algernon; was losing bisself " ---Doctor- 'The room seems cold, Mrs Hooligan. Have you kept the thermometer at 7f t* I told you?" Mrs Hooligan: "Sure, an* Oi hev, doctor. There's th' thing in a toombler av warrum wather at *Aj* blissi<f minirat." Jack; "Give me a kiss, or, by the rings of Saturrr, I shall turn on the gas?" Rose: "Oh, don't do that, Jack! Please don't!" Jack • 'Then what shall I do? Remember, 7 am a desperate man." Rose: "Why, —why, turn down the gas." » woman should find her type, whether 't should be Louise Seize, -Early Victorian, ox Chippendale, and garb herself accordingly. But how awkward if her type proved to be Ancient British. Errand Boy (who has been sent by his •master with a note to his friend's office) : "Sir, your friend must be getting very "short-sighted."—"Why 's that, my boy?"— "Because he asked me where my hat was, a"nd it was on my head all the time." Customer 'I say, what do you think hat is? Just taste it and give me your opinion" Grocer 'Well, I should say it was soda." Customer: 'That's what I said. But my wife contended that it was Tat poison. Try it again to make sure." city," said a stranger in a restaurant as he was walking out after finishing his dinner; "city looks the same." "I don't see much change," responded the waiter, as he took up the penny that was left on the table

"What started the riot at the performance of 'Hamlet' last night?" asked the descriptive reporter. "Well, it -was this way: the first gravedigger in the burial 6cene' held up a sk'ull and aid, 'Alas, poor Yorick! You are iot the only deadhead in the house.' r

' '— They had had a little party of guests to the hou&e. and he remarked to his wife as he was getting ready for bed that he flattered him&elf he had acted the part of host in rather a brilliant manner. "I can < only recall one brilliant action of yours," she said. "What svas that'"—"Lighting the gas '

.■■- A certain father who is fond of putting the boys through natural history examinations is often surprised by their mental agility. He recently usked them io -tell him what animal is satisfied with the- least nourishment. "The moth!" owe of them shouted confidently. 'lt eats nothing but .vo-les." . .

There have been rhapsodies on idleness, on the pleasures of sitting in an armchair, or lying In a meadow, looking dreamily at the fire or sky; but have they been sincere? Is there really any man who will stay idle it a chair foi an hour on end or will look at the sky for 15 minutes without flinching' "Jim " said the rising statesman to his little son, "vvhat'6 this I hear? % You say you won't go to bed." "Father," replied the buddirrg politician, who had already caught the parliamentary manner, "if you have heard anything like that I have, to -nform you 'chat I have been deliberately misquoted" ■ Con temp' fo. the foreigner has seldom received such sublime expression as in the

case of the small American boy who, whew asked by his teacher, '""Who was the first man?" replied without hesitation, "George Washington.' "No," corrected the teacher, "Adam was the first man." "Oh, well," admitted the boy grudgingly, _ "if you count foreigners, I guess you're right. Mrs Smith was engaging a new servant, and sat facing the latest applicant. "I hope," said she. "that you nad no angry words with your last mistress before leaving?" "Oh, dear no, mum; .one whatever," was the reply, with a toss of her head. "While she was having her bath I just locked the bathroom door, took all my things, and went away as quiet as possible."