FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2913, 12 January 1910, Page 74

FUN AND FANCY.

Wife: "In a. battle cf tongues a woman can hold her own." Husband: "M —yes, o'r'aps she can; but she never does!" The Man: "Yes; it's a pretty hat." The Lady: "I bought it on your account." The Man: " Ye 6; you generally do." "Her husband 1 is a brute." —"As to hew?"—"Got her to help save up for a motor car, and then put the money into a house." ' f Your father is entirely bald, isn't he? " said a man to the son of a million*iro. " Yes," replied the youth sadly. " I'm Jssft only heir he has left." -"•Hewitt: "I have been pinched for ■rfonev lately." Jewett: "Well, women have difibrent ways of getting it. My wife kisses me when she wants any." you still love me? "--"Why, Reggie, what a question ! I'm sure the farther you were away the better I snould love you." Jones: "My oldest daughter has been teasing for one of those tight dresses." Brown: "Did you give her one?" Jones: " No; I told her to crawl into the umbrella cover." "A woman in Connecticut ran & needle into her finger, and the other day it came out at her elbow." —" That's nothing. My wife swallowed a needle, and two days later had a stitch in her side." —" Why don't the theatrical managers want husband and wife in the same company?" —"They think the public wouldn't care to see a man malting 'love to his wife,"—" Looks too much like acting, eh? " The Tragedian: "There's no doubt about it, rny boy, audiences are very fickle." The Comedian: "How so, old man?" The Tragedian: "Why, because one night they'll ' egg' you on, and another they'll 'egg' you off!" Mr Porter' (of Chicago): "When, my books were made up I found I'd killed just one hog short of a million. I'd like to have made it a 'evel million." Dolly Trotter (awfully bored) : " You are not thinking of committing suicide, are you?" —" Dr Doogood preaches such interesting sermons."—" Yes. When he comes to the place where he says, 'And now, just on« word more,' he always considerately refrains from going on for more than 10 or 15 minutes. I like him very much." "Your prejudice against Mr Rakeley is entirely unreasonable, pa," protested the dear girl. " There is a great deal in that young man." —"Yes," replied old" Wiseman, "and sometimes, I'm afraid it's a great deal of the stuff I smelkd on his breath this evening." Doctor: "Why, how is this, my dear sir? You send me a note stating that you had been attacked with mumps, and I find you suffering from rheumatism." Patient: " That's all right, doctor. There wasn't a soul in the house that knew how to' spell rheumatism." fate of the picture he sent to the local exhibition."—" Why, I thought it took first prize in its class?"—" That's right; ,but then the subject was a herd of cattle, audit was awarded the prize for the best picture of sheep ! " a professor had becm tco exacting with a student at an examination in ohemis,fcry. " Can you tell me anything at all ibout prussic acid?" asked the profesfior. "Yes," replied the student; "it's a deadly poison. One drop on the end of your tongue would kill a dog." A friend meeting a bandsman, whose band had bean competing in a local contest greeted him with the remark, " Hello, Jimmy, I hear as your band'3 gotten firstprize."—"Oh, ay," replied Jimmy, "we'd a bin first right enough if they'd turned the results upside down." Madame: "I don't know where our son gets all his faults from-; I'm sure he doesn't get them from me." Monsieur: " No, you're right there; you haven't loafc any of yours." Drill sergeant (after three hours' deady drill with the new recruit): " Bight about faos! " New Recruit (not moving): " Thank goodness, I'm right about something at last." _ —"I never saw such a storm in all my life."—"Pardon me, my friend; since you saw the storm, no doubt you can tell us what colour it was."—"Certainly; the wind blew and the storm rose, you ninny! " A man got into a train with a bag of fruit in his hand, and at the first station he called out to a porter, " I say, porter, do you like fruit?" Porter: "Rather!" —"Then," eaid the man, "chew the date off my ticket." Sagebrush Sam: " Yer say Bill died of a lame arm. How could that be?" Cactus Charlie: "Why, yer see, his arm wuz so stiff that he couldn't draw his gun quick, an' the other feller got tins drop on him." "Say, old man," began Bcrroughs, ''lend me your ear for a while, will"you?" "My friend," replied Wise, shrewdly suspecting a toijch, "I'd gladly lend 1 you both of them ; then I wouldn't be able to hear you ask mo to lend you anything." Hardeere: "Waal, Maria, these city folks do things outrageously." Mrs Hardacre: "What is it now, Hi?" Mr Hardacre: "Waal, jest lock what's painted on that pail up there: ' U.?e For Fire Only.' Now, who in ail creation could build 1 a fire in a pail? " —" What is the difference between valour and discretion? " —" Well, to go to a restaurant without tinping would be valour."—"l see."--" Arid to go to a different one next day would he discretion." Jinks: "That fellow Sillipate is the most inexcusable dolt I ever saw," Winks: " What has he been doing to you? " Jinks: "A few days ago someone invited him to dinner at our boarding-house. Well, sir, that idiot just praised every dish on the table and complimented the landlady on her rooking' until she raised our account 5s a veek." Young Man: " I assure you, sir, I look forward longingly to the union with your daughter." Girl's Father: "Ah, well, that's a candid confession, anyhow. She'll certainly bring you there.if she's half as extravagant as I've allowed her to be." "What did the poet mean when he called his .country 'the land of the free and the home of"the brave'?" —"He was probably referring to bachelors and married men," said, old Smithers sadly. "Say," asked the distinguished vaitross as the man at the dunch counter began carefully wrapping up his stack of cakes, " whatV you goin' to do with r.bem? "—" Use them for repau'in' tyres.

I run a garage, and good rubber comes mighty .high these days/' —■ " How long is it going to take to get through this case? " asked the man who was under remand for housebreaking. " Well," replied the young lawyer thoughtfully, "it'll take me about three weeks to god. through with it, but I'm afraid it's going to take you about five years." Ghosts and weird apparitions weresaid to appear in the empty house, and they were not an inducement to possible tenants so the agent had it elaborately done up and decorated, and by way of a tempting bait he had some expensive gas fittings put up in all the- rooms. The next week he heard that some bold man had been after the house. His heart leapt with hope and excitation, and he rushed off in frantic excitement to the housekeeper of the haunted mansion. " This is splendid," he gasped. " Someone has taken the house, hasn't he?" —" I. don't know, sir, I'm sure. Perhaps he'll come back for the house. He's taken all the gas fittings." Purchaser of a nag of no account to the dealer, vdio had "sold" both buyer and animal: f ' Look here, you ! You said this horse was sound and gentle and free from vice. The first day I drove him he behaved like a ballet-dancer, and he's as bad to-day."- Dealer: " Um —you've been wondering if I cheated you, maybe? " "Yes, I have." —"And the first time you druv the hoes you sort o' wondered if it hadn't some tricks, didn't you? "—" Of course."—"And you kept saying to yourself, 'Wonder if that there horse will turn somersaults? ' "—" Probably." had your mind concentrated on the conduet of that horse? "—" That's true."— " That's wot's the matter. You've hypnotised him.. See?"