FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2905, 17 November 1909, Page 68

FUN AND FANCY.

* . ' — IJneasy lies the head with false hair crowned. * — When wealth comes in love often slips out ahead. ' — Not that man loves woman less, but himself more. . I — The most influential woman s club is the ToMing-pin. I -r-Wnom the gods wish to destroy they first make marry. - I — Friendship exists on its income — Love eats up its capital. I Wasted opportunities are those which go to iihe wrong people. ■ — The efforts of a plain gun to look ( pretty are very, often, vain. • — The more a- man wants to borrow the more he shakes your hand. J — While man wants but little here below, he never gets quite enough. i — All the world Mkes a lover, because he's Usually sudh a good joke. ! — The average man doesn't know what he wants until he can't get it. ' — A man is either taken aback by criticism, or else he bates affront. — When a fellow tells a girl he isn't worthy of her she doesn't believe it— at the time. '< — The foroulble with most men is that they are usually like cloaks — either too "fast or too etow. - i — "Doe© Mrs Peck's husband command a ; good salary?" — "He, earns a good salary; sbe commands it." j — Moat men speak low when' they speak love; frut when- -tihey mention marriage for- . get even to -whisper. i — The man who is satisfied to sit down and wait for something- to turn up wiU need a. good soft seat. — "Love is the wine of life," quoted ■Wiseman. — "And marriage is the morning after." added Simpleton. ! —"I want & hair-cut," said tihe inr'ddleaged tna-n. as h« dropped into a barber's chair. — "Yes, sir," w*s the answer. '•Which, one?" I — "Nature plan 3 well for mankind's needs "—"I should cay ,go ! What could . be more -convenient than ears to hook spec- ] tacles over?" j —We should all try to endure our own I troubles with the same admirable fortitude that has helped us bo endure those of our friends. I — Fat Man: "What! Are you goins to let this small boy shave me?" Barber: ' '■Let the boy have his fun for once. It is his birthday, sir." — "Tell me," said the lovelorn youth, "the best way to find out what a woman thinks of you." — "Marry her !" - replied Peckham promptly. — Biggs : "TSiat fellow Oliver as inclined to be somewhat contrary, isn't he?" Diggs: "Contrary ! Say, if he had two ideas in bis- head they would fall out with each other." — Gunner : "He used to be a pessimist, and cay the world was a bubble. 1 understand he. has changed has opinion?" Buyer: "Yes. You see, he fell out of an airship not long ago." I —Johnny (aged five): "Mamma, 1 wish I had a little sister !"— jMannina: "Why do . you wi&h that, dear?"— Johnn y: 'T<m tared of teasin' the cat !" — Guest: "Mercy! What's that awful profanity downstairs?" Hostess: "My husband has come in lafce, aiul -fallen over the new Persian prayer rug." • — Sunday School Superintendent: "Elsie, can you tell me anything about the Epistles?" Little Elsie: "I think they were the wives of the Apostles !" — "Why did your bpss discharge you?" — "I'm blamed if I know."— "What ! Fired and don't know why?"— "l mean it. I was too drunk at the time to notice." — Dentist (prodding a patient's gum in search of a fragmient of root) : "Funny, I j don't seem to fe«l it." Patient (ironical, in spite of pain) : "You're in luok !" — Vicar's Wife: "So your wife is poorly. John. I must drop in and see her?" "Villager: "Ah! she'd be glad to see you. It would be like a dose of physic to 'er." j — "Every time the baby looks into mv faces he smiles," eaid Mr Meekins.— "Well." answered his wife, "it may not be exactly ! polite, but >,fc shows he has a sense of j humour." j ' — From an Edinburgh paper's report of j a shooting match: — "At luncheon time Fhe Boyal Soot 9 led by 19 pints." We oan on.ly { faintly imagine what they led by at the end of luncheon. — "Harkdns doesn't strike me as literary. "Yet he declares that he never feels so comfortable as when he is snugly settled in his library." — "Oh. that's riot surprising! Hi 6 bookcase is a folding bed !" —"I think I have discovered a system to beat the races." remarked Mr Gunson, looking over the top of the morning paper. "What you need just now is a system to beat carpets," "etorted Mrs Gunson decidedly. — Gent, (to cabby) : "How do you manage to keep yourself dry in this wet weather? Don't you wear a waterproof?" Cabby: "Na, na; sir; I just tak' a salt herrin' in the mornin' afore I come oot, and it keeips me dry a" day." — English Tourist: "Waiter, brings me some sugar, please." Wild West Waiter: "There ain't but three lumps in the house, captain. You kin have them a* soon as | them gents gits through with 'em. They've | got 'em marked, and they're shaking dice with 'cm." | — "What is the sign when a man parts , his hair in the middle?" said the old fellow j in the front row of the orchestra to a 5 'friend, loud enough to be heard by the ! young man just behind him. — "It's a gijm \ that he's not bald-headed," replied the young man, leaning forward. | . — Marion, who had been taught to re- , jiqrt her misdeeds promptly, came to her mother one day. sobbing penitently. J "Mother, I — I — broke a brick in the fire- | place." — "Well, that is not very hard to remedy. But how on earth did you do it, I child?"— "l pounded it with father's watch." j — With hisses and groans the audience ( greeted the principal scene of the new , drama. All hope. €hen, was at an end. j "It's hard to tell just what the public , wants," murmured the heartbroken play- j wrighi. — "It's easy enough to tell in this case," said 'the manager grimly. "It wants its money back." — "There's a strange man at the door, ; sir," announced th© new servant frcoi l>ubliii. — "Wiiat does he want?" asked the master of the house impatiently.— "Beggiing j your pardon, air," replied the servant, a 6hade of disapproval manifest in his voice,

"he wants a. bath, but he is asking for something to eat." _ j — "Charley, dear," said young Mrs j Torkins, "don't you think it would be j better for you to let me pick out horses for you to bet on?" — "You don't know anyinjr about horses," responded Charley. — : "Of course I don't. But I've noticed that J the people who know all about .them are . the ones who always lose tfhjerir money." I — "Do you care if I paint yonr barn?" : asked the summer boarder witib the peaches , and cream complexion, as she put down her palette and began arranging her colour tubes. "No," replied Unote Jasper; "go right alhead. It needs pain tiff* all night, •but I don't see how you expect to get much dome with them little bite of brushes." — "John, dear," said the invalid's wdfe, "I'll hare to run away from you for an .hour or so to-day. I have to get ifoe maienuai for a new drees that the dressmaker " "But," complained the patient, "do you think it is right to be thinking of dress while lam'eo ill?" — "Why, John, it will be all right, no matter what happens. It's a black dress." — A young hopeful of 12 summers met his seventeen-year-old brother running at top speed towards the town. "Why, ■wot's up, Jim?" asked the youngster. — "Wot's up? Why, there's -bin. a 'sploakm up at pit, and feyther's in it. Am gooin' for t' doctor." — "Feyther's in it?" repeated iihe twelve-year-old. —^"Yes ; 'aven't I tailed ye co*" — "By gum, and he's got my knife !" was the faginbrrous comment. — A fellow whose appearance warranted the belief that fee had quarrelled with soap and water some years ago applied for a position as porter with a large concern where help was badly needed. The mananger' looked] fiim over doubtfully. Finally be handed .Wan. hall a. crown. "Go-up town, and take a bath," he. told him. "Then come back, and maybe I'll be able to take you on." The fellow started for the door. "And, oh/ by the way," the manager called after him, "if there's any change left take another bath."