FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2902, 27 October 1909, Page 69

FUN AND FANCY.

—It is not good for man .to live alone — | unless he wants to save money. . j "How can I cure him of being so , tuperetifckms?" — "Tell i>im it's bad iv « fe -" j — May: "Isn't that a heavenly little ; dog?"' Eva: "Which-*" May: "That Skye terrier." . •* I "Boys will be boys. — "How about girls?" — "Oh, they have to be whatever fashion dictates." . "Willie, did you give Johnny Smith & black eye?" — "No, sir." — "Are you sure?" — Tea, sir. He always had the eye: I just blackened it for him." . ' — The Cou-rt: "You will sweaT that the prisoner stole your umbrella?" The Plaintiff: "Your Honor, I will swear that he stole the umbrella I was carrying." — Cricket Captain the First: "Hello, old i spoti! What sors of a team have you got?" Cricket Captain the Second: gotten ! Only seven men and the curate." — Gentleman (in an inebriated state, supporting himself against a telegraph pole, soliloquising): "I shay— hie— whatever shall •I do when wireless telegraphy comes in? — "If I were you." ©aid the old bachelor to th< benedict, "I'd either rule or know why." "Well," was the reply, t as I already know why, 1 suppose that's half the battle!" tm — London School Teacher: "Who can make a sentence using the wo"rd 'indisposition'?" Pupil (assuming a pugilistic pose): "When youse wants to fight youse stand in «Jas position !" ■* ' — Her -Father (stern» : "Genevieve, you are engaged to some young man." Herself: "Oh, father, how did you discover my secret?'^ Her Father: "The gas bill for last quarter is 'suspiciously small." j —Mr Acker: "What!* You want a new ( bonnet? Why, I think the one you c have . is very becoming." Mrs Acker : Yes, and so do the neighbours. They think it is becoming 1 very ancient and decrepit. — A health officer recently received the following note from' one of the residents of his district: "Dear Sir,— l beg to tell you that my child, a/ged eight months, is suffering from measles as required by Act of .Parliament." — Little Willie: "Say, pa, what 13 a hypocrite?" Pa: "A hypocrite, my son, is a man who publicly thanks Providence for his success, then geta mad" every time anybody insinuates that he isn't mainly responsible for it himself." — "What's that thing yer got atween the shafts o' yer 'cab, matey?"— " Why. can't you see? That's my 'ose. What do you think it is?"— " Oh. "I thought it was on© of these 'ere X-ray photographs. Yer can only e«e tho skelington." „,„.,, . — Customer : "Waiter, this bullcck 6 heart is very badly cooked." Waiter: "Well, sir, the fact "i§ the cook's been crossed in love, and whenever he has anything to do with a heart if 1 so upsets^ hhn^ that he doesn't know what he's a-doin' of !" — Lawyer (to complaining fehent) : ' Well, have you at last decided to take my advice and pay this bill of mine?" Client: "Y-e-s." Lawyer: "Very well." (To »lerk): i'Williams, just add 6s 8d to Mr , Smith's bill for further advice." ( — She: "You are really so much Dettor >ince you returned from abroadi?" He: 'Yes: I'm quite another man." She: j -"'Well, I,'m sure all yojir friends will be . 3elightod to hear it!" And he is now wondering if she meant anything. ! — "So you think my speech is^ hkelv to - be appreciated by my colleagues?" said the candidate with a manuscript. "Yes.' answered the chairman, "on the- old th-eory that' a little nonsense now and then is ( relished by the best of men." —"I say," said the office boy to the cashier, "I think the guvnor ought to gimm« a half-crown extra this we^k, but I suppose he won't." "What for?" asked the cashier. "For overtime. I wuz dreamin' about my work all las' night." — The Passenger (to the own«: of the motor car) : "I tell you. sir. I would prive j twenty pounds to be out of this car." Tho I Jovial Owner : "You stick to your money, old man. If the railway gates at the foot ; of this hill are closed, it won't cost you : a cent." | — Mrs Upsome: "I" caw you at the professor's lecture on flowers the other evening. ! How did you like it?" Mrs Pncuritch : 1 "Oh-, liked it well enough when he stuck J to his subject, but he talked too much about ihe Orr fcids. Who are they, anyway, and 1 where do they live?" s j — "Well, why don't you say y-or wish . you were a man?" asked Mr Simpson dur- . mg the little discussion he was having with j his spouse about some matters of domestic management. "Because I don't wish anv1 thing of the 6ort," she retorted. "I only wish you were one.' 7 . — Two jrretohed-lookini. tramps were brought up before a justice of the peace. 'Addressing + be worse-looking one, the ivvstice said: "Where do you live?" — "Xowhere." "And where do you live?' 6aid the justice, addressing the other. "I've got the rcom above him, your Worship." — The Laird : "Well Sandy, you are get- | ting very lent. Why don't you stand straight up like me. man?" Sandy: "Eh, . man, do ye see that field o' rom owor ' there?" The Laird: "I do." Sandy : 1 "A' weel, yell notice that the full beicls hang* down. t>n' the empty ones staiwl up." ! —"I want to change the hat I boujrht of you last week for another." said th-9 lady, as she entered th© millinery shop. "Everybody says it doesn't look well on me." "I'm not at foil surprised — ii you wear it as you are doing now," rejoin°d tho milliner. "You have it on upside down." —An artist had finished a landscape: on looking- up, he beheld an Irish navvy grazing ait his canvas. '"'Well." said the artist familiarly, "do you suppose you could make a picture like that?" The Irishman mopped his forehead a moment. "Sure a man en do anny thing if he's druv to it," he replied. — Bookton (with statistical bent) : "Do you know, old man, I've just been reading up a lot of statistics on present-day mor- ' tality, and I have learned fome remarkable things? Why, every time I breathe- a man ( idies!" Brookton: "By the great autofumes ! Then win <n the name of tho 1 census don't you chew cloves?" j — A little girl had been allowed by her mother to visit the minister's family a-nd stay for dinner. After the preacher had finished asking a blessing the child said : 4( That isn't the way my papa asks a bussing." "And how does your papa a&k a blessing?" inquired the minister. — "Why. h? just says, 'Good heavens, what a tneal i' "

— The aged eHer told his minister that he had come into some money, and was going 1 to mafee a pilgrimage to -the Holy Land. "And whiles I'm there," said the pilgrim complacently, "I'll read the Ten Commandments aloud frae the top o' Mount Sinai " ' Saunders," said tho minister, "take my advice B*d& t hame and keepthem." — Mr Parka v : "These* two seats you gave me are in different rows — one behind tie other." Ticket Seller : "One seat is for a lady, is it not?" Mr Parkay: "Yes." Ticket Seller: "Well, that's all right, then. You are expected to sit behind the lady; and if you bring one with a big hat it's your own fault. That's the way we sell 'em now." — Newspaper Proprietor (angrily) : "What did you, mean by telling the man who asked if there was money in mushrooms^ that there would be more money for him in toadstools?" Editor of the "Question and Answer Department" (with an air of one who knows he is in the right) : "Because, sir, I looked up the man in the and found he- was an .undertaker." — Excited Fi6herman (to country hotelkeeper) : "There isn't a bit of fishing about here! Every brock has a sign warning people off. "What do you mean by luring anglers' here with the promise of fine fishing?" Hotelkeeper: "I didn't ( say anything about fine fishing. If you read my advertisement c&reivHv you will see that I what I said was 'Fishing unapproachable.' " ' IM _.. ! — A new and very stringent prohibitory i law has just been put into effect in Kansas. A stranger went into a Kansas drug store and asked for some whiaky, which was refused. "But I'm ill," persisted the stranger. "That won't help any," replied the drug1 gist. "It don't make any difference. * I can't sell 3 r ou any whisky for being ill.'j '.'Well, what can you sell it to me for?" asked the stranger. "The only thing we ! can sell whisky for in this town," said the j druggist, "is for snake-bites. Hold up, now ; don't ask m© where to get bitten. No 1 irse. There is only one snake in the town, and he is engaged for three weeks, ahead." — Jack: "Halloa, Billy! What did you get on your birthday?" Billy : "Whole lot |of things! Got up late for breakfast, and I father pave me a scolding : got my finger caught in the door, and lost mv pocketmoney for a month because I broke a window. "Grandfather gave me a letter to put in the nost office, and treated me to a good talking-to for forgetting it. I had to fetch some mutton chops for dinner, but I fell down, and a dog came and ran away with them, so I had to go without dinner. j Joe* Brown pricked me with a pin, and I I got kept in for shouting in school, and the master gave me a hundred lines to write op* before I went home. Tumble down I again and got a grazed nose on my way home, and mother sent nra to bed for being late. It's a good thing a fellow doesn't get born every week, isn't it?"