FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2883, 23 June 1909, Page 78

FUN AND FANCY.

— Housewife: "If you lovg work, why don'fc you find it?" Begging- Tramp: "Love is blind, ye know." — " Simpson doesn't think it's proper to wear a watoli with a dress suit." — " He never has both at the same time"."' 1 — Mother: "Alice, it is bedtime. All the little chickens have gone to bed." Alice: "Yes, mamma, and so ha 6 the lien." J — Vicar's Daughter : "And what did your I niece die of. Mrs Franklin ? " Mrs Frank1 lin : " Ammonia, miss, with strong inforj mation ! " 1 — " Wives and daughters all remind us We must make our little pile. And, departing, leave behind us Cash for them to ' live in style." — "Does your representative in Conj gress do much work? — "I should say so," I answered Farmer Corntossel. "In what I way?" — " Gettin' hisself re-elected." I — " I've just 'card that your little Bill ; got run over," said one. " 'Ow did it 1 'appen ? "—"" — " 'Ec was picking up a *orse- ' shoe for luck," replied little Bill's father. I — An old Scotswoman, when advised by her minister to take snuff to keep herself awake during the sermon, replied: "Why dinna ye pit the snuff intae the sermon?" — Wifey : " Well, Jack, the good old days of piracy on the nigh g-eas arc over." j Hubby: "Think so? Been into the smokI ing room and seen the poker game there?" I — Miss Bountiful: "What do you mean i by saying you were discharged from your last place for good behaviour? " Old George: "They toot a month off my sentence ! " — " She ran away with him, didn't she?" — " Yes. it was a regular walkaway, i though." — "Makes him trot, does she?" — " Makes him crawl. Why, she walks all over him." — " Are- wo alone? " asked one of the villains of the piece, of his brother conspirator. " No, gwv'nor," came a voice from the gallery, " but you will be tomorrow night." ■> — " Now, 6ir," said the schoolmaster savagely, " for the last time, what is the square of the hypotenuse of a right-angled triangle equivalent to?" — "It's equivalent to a liekin' for me, sir." — The barter remarked on the sparsity of his customer's hair. "Have you ever tried our special hair wash? " he said expectantly. "Oh, no, it wasn't that that I did it," was the crushing reply. — "Don'fc you know," said the physiologist, " that to work in the hot sun without a hat is bad for your brains?" — "D'ye think," asked the Irishman, "that oi'd be on this job if oi had army brains? " — The Visitor : " It's heartrending to hear your baby. He has^ been crying for the last hour." The New Mother: "Oh, ve-s. But it's a strictly scientific, hygienic, lung-expansive, and non-tissue-destroying cry." — "Young man," said the stern parent, "when I was your age I worked hard! for my living." — "Very inconsiderate of you to mention it," answered the gilded youth. "You'll have them talking about it at the club next." — Artist: "My next picture at the Academy will bs enticed 'Driven to Drink.' " His JPriend : "Ah, some powerful portrayal of baffled passion, I suppose?" Artist: "Oh, no; :t's a cab approaching a watering trough." — " Aftci- all," said the optimist, "you must admit that this is the best world you have ever been in." — "Yes," replied the pessimist ; " but, hang it, my wife is the j best wife I've ever had, and that's not saying- much for her.'' — "Your husband 53 ys that, when h© is angry, lio always counts ten before he j speaks," said one wc-mam. "Ye^," an-swer-cd the other, "I wi^h he'd stop it. Sinco he got dyspepsia home seems nothing- but a, cia^a. m arithmetic." — "So you are etill looking for an honest man'"— "l am,'' answered Diogenes. — "Wha-t is the lantern for ?"— "That's to test him with. lam going to lend him the lantern, and if he brings that back I'm going to irv him with an umbrella." { — Mrs Justwed : " Oh, dear ! dear ! Mary, j since you've been here — only one month — you've broken more china than your wages amount to. How on earth are we to prevent this 6ort of thing?" Mary: "Well, mum, I moight have me wages raised." — Two Irishmen were lisiting the Zoo. and, coming io the cage of the "missing link" one remarked to the other, 'Isn't he like .1 human being, Pat?" — "Liko a human beang !" exclaimed the other. "He's no more like a. human, being than I am." — She (to beggar] : " It's a wonder you don't use soap and water once or so in a month." He: "I have thought of it, mum, but there's so many kinds of soap, an' it's ho hard to tell which is and which is not injurious to the skin that I don't like to take any risks." — A man &t<-ayed in to a da.nee bo which lie had not been invited. He was requested, politely, to j>o. Ho went. Camo j back. The host l°d him by the arm to the door and gave him a shove into the street. He returned. And then several men caught him and> kicked him down stairs. The unbidden guest picked himself up and remarked thoughtfully : "You can't fool ny? ! I know what you want, boys. It ain't me." — Fair Customer (who has joined the suffragettes and been elected president of the Women's Equal Rights Club): "What on earth makes eggs so high now?" Grocer: "Scarcity mum." Fair Customer: "But why are they so scarce?" Grocer: "I don't know for sure, mum, but they do say ihat hens nowadays is actin' quite cjucDr struttin' around' and growin' big combs an' spurs, an' tryin' to learn, to crow, mum." — A gentleman living in the North wt» viclinj? through the mountains of West Virginia, when he came across a boy driving .1 nord of pigs. "Where are you talc ing the pigs?" asked the man. "Going io nasfuro 'em a b't," the lad repl : erf "Why," said the man, "I should imagine it would be slow work fattening pigs on prass. Up where I live they pen them up and feed them on corn. It- saves a lot of time." T.he boy crushed him. "Yos, bufc what's tinie to a bawg?" ea-ys he. —An arrj'bitious young CHicagoan recently oalled upon a publisher of novels in that city, to whom he imparted confidentially the .information that ha had dccVfed to "write a book," and that he would be pleaded lo afford the publisher the- chanoa to bring it out. "May I venture to inquire

as to the nature of the book you propose to write?"' asked the publisher very pol'tely. "Oh," came in an offhand way from the aspirant for fame, "I think of doing- something on the lines of 'Les Miserables,' only_ livelier, you know !"

—At a London assembly, so sve are told in a book of " Instructions in Etiquette, Intended for the Use of Schools and Young^ Persons," published in 1828, a gentleman entered into conversation with a young nobleman who was near him. Being a stranger, he made several inquiries respecting the company, which were answered with great politeness. Afc length he said:- " Who i? that fat 6ow at the other end of the room?" — "That, sir," replied the nobleman—" that fat sow is the Countess. of I> , and I have the honour to be one of her little pigs! "

— "The late John Chandler Harris," said an Atlanta clergyman, "used to laugh at the way everybody seemed to want a fre© advertisement of some sort from the editor. It was the same with the physician — everybody wants free advice on the health question from him. I once heard him tell about an editor who served ten days ia gaol for lickinsf the mayor. The war dec treated him very kindly, and at the tea days' end escorted him to the dcor and shook hands with him, -saying: '"Well, good-byo and good luck, Ed. And say, would you mind giving the gaol a puff?' " * — Tho ways of discharged soldiers wh<> seek to re-enii*t are .peculiar. One .army surgeon tells a tale of an Irish recruit whom' he was called upon to examine before ha entered the service, and, who had given his name as Michael O'Flaherty. Aftec, stripping him, the surgeon saw tattoed on the man's arm tho namo "John aulliyjin" in ck-ar and unmistakable letters. "Howr is this*" asked the nan of surgery. "I thought you had given your name as Michael O 'Flaherty?"— "So it was, sir. oncst," replied the recruit; ".but I've been married twice, sir!" — "I cannn. leave ye thus, Nanoy," & goodold Scotchman wailed. "Ye're too auld to work, an' ye couldna live in the almshouae. Grin^ I die, ye maun marry anither man, wha 11 keap ye in comfort in yer auld age." —"Nay, nay, Andy," answered the -good spouse, "I could na' wed anither man, Cor what wad I do wi' twa husbands in heaven?" Andy pondered long over £hi 6, but suddenly his fraoe brightened. "I hao it, Nancy,"' he crded. "Ye ken auld John Clemmens? He's a kind -man, but he is tku a member of the kirk. He likes ye, Nancy, an' gin yell marry him, 'twill be all tho - same in Jieaven. John's nw& a Christian." — 4 quaint example of Irish flattery .has been recorded by a- descendant of an Trish archbishop. This ecclesiastical digniterv, who find teen instrumental in getting tho son of a drunken blacksmith away from home and apprenticing him to a saddler ia a. distant town, called one day on tho father, whom he found recovering from a drinking bout. His first question was abottfr the son. 'Oh, Pat*3 all 'right," replied tha smith, ' you need not worry, yourself aboufe ham ; and T tell you what, your Grace, my eon will bo able to say- what your son -will never be able to say."— "What's that? 1 " asksd the archbishop.— "Why, he will bo able to say. that he. is a better man thai* his father, and I'm danged if your Grace** sop. will ever be able to* cay -that!"