FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2859, 30 December 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

,». — "Yes, 7 said a witness at Batley, "I have another daughter, but she's a boy.*' — Dapper: "Miss Oldgirl keeps her age well, doesn't she?" Slapper: "Well, she's pretty careful nor to give it away." — "Waiter, get me a newspaper so I can hide my y-av. ns; this concert is so stupid." j "Yes, misK= ; I'll bring the largest I cjin find." — Young- Boastem: "It will cost me ten thousand a year~to live." Miss Oaustique: "Don't you think such a waste of money, sinful?" — Mother : "You mustn't interrupt me when I'm talking;, Ethel." Ethel: "Why, that's the only time I can interrupt you, mother." — Soene : Grammar class. Dialogue be- ~«™ en teacher an <* Johnnie. Teacher: What is the future of 'he drinks' ?" Johnnie : "He is drunk." — She : "Frankly, now. if you had to choose between me and a million, what would you do?" He: "I'd take the million. Then you would be easy." — "And your husband— how do you like him?"— "Oh, thanks, he's stupid, lazy, without , ambition, and hears and sees nothing — so he's simply ideal!" •7— 'Are you", waiting for me, dear/ she , said, coming downstairs at^last, fixing her hat. "Waiting 1" exclaimed the impatienr man. "No; not warting-p'sojourning." . >- — "Do you know that iyour obiokens ©oroe* over into my garden?'— "l -thought 'theymust be doing that."— "Why did you'+hank bo'!" — "Because ;they never come hack." - — Gerald : "You accepted me last Jiigm\ and now you say you refuse me." May : "Well, I'll iell you^what— you propose -again , and we'll make it best two out of -three." i — Local Politician 1 : "Of course, trade's bad. What we want is more real live men to wake things up a bit." Monumental ' Mason : "What, I want is more. real dead 'uns." , - | — "They tell me your fat-her's a hard man to trade with; he is always looking for something to boot." — "Then you'd better say "good-night; I'm expecting him every minute." s — Jinks: "Mar Manton says he never spoke a harsh word to -bis wife." — "Yes," remarked a lady, "but was that due to kindness or caution? That's what I should like td" know." — Charitable Old Lady : -f But why do you go damping -tiixoagli "tfcte country like this, my pool- man?" The " V&gxanft ""Well, mum, the truth is, I've heafd that these 'ere corridor oars- is rather stuffy." < j — Lawyer: "You say the prisoner stole your watch? What distinguishing feature was there aßout the watch?" Witness: '"It . bad my sweetheart's picture in it." Lawyer : "An, I sse. A -woman in the case." — SpaTlre: "I wonder why it is a woman lets out everything you tell her?" Parks: "My clear boy,, a woman has only two views of ~a secret — either it is not -worth ■j keeping, or it is too good to keeji." >^ — ?Th's Young Man : >*'Gra'cie, what is it your father sees in- me to .< object to, darling?" -The. Young Woman (wiping away a tear): ""He doesn't, see anything in you, Sandy: -that is why he objects." 1 — "Now, Johnny," said rhe Sunday school teacher, "can you tell me one of the most remarkable things Moses did?" — "Yes, ma'am," replied the -"-bright youth.. "He ' broke all t-be 1 commandments at- the same' time." — Redd: "I' see Brown's got a motor t car." — Greenes "Yes ; his rich uncle gave -it to him."-^"Why, he told me he put all , the money ,he had into it," — "Sto <he did. He bought five shillings' ' woAh of petrol for it." — "Ifr-ns a great comfort to have a child about the house," said the man of domestic tastes. — '"Yes," Answered the unfeeling wretch, "when company comes that you don'iNcare for, you can make 'the child recite." — Jenkins : "You may 'be sure that there will never in our time be a European war. Just reflect, nearly every one of the royal families is related to the -other." Hen1 gecked : "That's why I think there will be a waV." \- j —"I feel sure Miss Smith is in love with you," said » lady to her brother. — "Do you? It sounds too good to be true !"—." Well, I heaxy her say yesterday that plainness in a i man is not really a fault, but a sign of character." I i — Savage Warrior : "I have come to inform you that the cannibal king says he will eat your wife in a few minutes." Mr Henpeek: "Well, there's one consolation — I'll bet ©he'll disagree with him. Sho always did with me." — "My poor man !" exclaimed the benevolent old lady. "How did you lose your 6ight?" — "'Well, you see, ma'am, it was -this way," explained the blind beggar- "I, once went over Niagara Falle in a barrel and got a cataract in the eye." j — "Did you tell your master that I helped you with your French exercise. I Sidney?''— "Yes, father."— "And .jwhat did ' he say?"— "He said he wouldn't Veep me i Hi to-day, 'cos it wouldn't seem fair that' I should suffer for your ignorance." 1 — "Mother, mother, mother, turn the hose ] on me!" sang little Willie, as his mamma 1 was dressing him in the mprnine. — "Willie, what do you mean?" cried his alarmed and loving parent. — "You've put my stockings on the wrong side out," he said. — Kate : "You ought to have beard Tom Russell's ringing speech last night. Annie: "Why, t wasn'tv aware he could make a speech." Kate: "Well, he made one, just the came. I can't repeat the speech, but I can show you the ring." A w-ell-known judge of. the Court of Sessions was administering the oath to a- boy of tender years, and he asked him : "Have you ever taken the oath? T)o you know Uow to- swear, my boy?" The simple reply was, "Yes, mv Lord, I'm your caddie." ' — Edith: "Mamma, mayn't I play the piano a little to-day?" Mother: "But, my ■dear your grandmother has only been dead !e. week, and " Edith t "But I'll play ' very softly, mamma." Mother: "Oh, very ' well; but Be careful also to use only the black keys." j — Applicant (in metropolitan newspaper 1 office); "Yes, sir, I am ready to accept any • position — from office boy to chief editorial I writer." Proprietor: "The editorial jobs 'are all full at preaentr Sorry."— "How about that of office boy?"— " You -don t ■ know enough." ! — The Mother: "My little boy was rude. I know. lam afraid he is awfully spoiled." The Stranger: "Don't mention it, madam. Jt re better that he shoula be spoiled thaa that his young life should be embittered by the thought tb it he is different from all • other children."- •

— "And the name is to be >?" asked the suave minister as he approached the font with the precious armful of fat and flounces. — "Augustus Philip Ferdinand Cod-ring-ton Chesterfield Livingstone Snooks."— "Dear me! " Turning to the sexton, "A little more water, Mr Perkins, if you please." — Highland devotion of a ghillie to his master could not stand higher than that of the Inverary gamekeeper who* said to his sporting master, \when the latter had just fought and lost a .bye-election : "Well, sir, I just, wish we had the head of your opponent to ,hang up iD the haU, with the heads -of the other beasts !" — "an aged millionaire questioned ,mo one day good-humouredly. 'You are ambitious?'he said. 'I am,' l agreed. 'Why,' said the millionaire, ' -do you -waift to rise?' 'So that I can do as I likej I -answered. The millionaire smiled, and shook his head. 'Ah, my boy,' be said, 'it is only when we do as we don't like that we succeed.' " — Skipper (to new deck hand, who had never been to sea before) : "Lst gc that foT'ard rope." Deck hand makes no sigzu Skipper: "Let go "that rope, I say." Deck hand is still motionless. Skipper (purple with rage): "Why don't. you- let .go that for'ard rope, ye swab?" Deck hand (in. 2«gEieved tone): "Who's touchin' ycf •>pc?" • ■ ' — -The sexton 'of a negro church wee' closing the windows ope windy Sunday, morning during ■ eerviee when he waV beckoned to the side of a young negress,the.widow of a certain Thomas. "Why is' yo' *h«ttnr'<fose "winders, Mr Jones'^ she demanded, in -a horse whisper. ~"De air in dis church is suffocatin' now!"— 'lt's de ' minister's orders," replied the sexton, obstinately, '-"it's a cold day, Mis' Thomas, an' we ain't 'gain. to. take no chance -o' losm' any o' de lambs o* dis fold while dare's a big debt -overhapgin' dis church." — An- American politician -told this story not long ago: — "I was calling at a friend's, house, and the preacher happened to be calling at the same time. In the midst of our conversation the small son of the family, named Reginald, came running in. His clothes were torn. #nd one of his eyee was -blackened. 'Reginald,' said the preacher, 'you. have ■been fighting again. Y-our clothes are torn, and you have a black eye. Fighting is very, very wicked. Come here, a-nd let me pjwy for you.' * Aw, g'wan,' said Reginald, wbc was a inde little boy ; 'go home and pray for your own kra, . He's got two black eyes.' " — At a pertain -age in the maSctiline education, cleanjinese .-is the main ' thing- "to be inculcated.' soap and "w*fei practice is about the <mly way,_ to .succeed. After giving the boy a chance ~to better his own conditions; harsher methods usually follow. ssieodore had twice been sent to wain his hands, and was now returning for the second inspection. "My child," said Jus mother, comparing the two 'hands critically, "your right is just as dirty as your left. ' What have you been doing all this time?" — ""Why, mamma," explained the youth, "last time you said that my left; hand was cleaner than my right, so I tried to 'make them even. V\l go again."