FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2850, 28 October 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

—Hope is the mother of disappointment. — Some people would rather follow than lead. — Forgetting a favour is easier than for* giving an injury. — The truth is the worst you can say about some people. — An empty head may contain a Jot of useless ie formation. — Marriage sometimes converts a courtship into a battleship. — An ounce of help is worth several pounds of talk about it. —The heyday of youjh is not in it with the pay-day of manhood. — It takes a woman to drive a bargain, and a. man. to drive nails. —Sometimes th.9 proof of the pudding i* the undertaker's little bill. — A woman's tears and a men's smiiea are not always what they seam. — "Did you ever try to kiss a- girl against her will?" — "Never! Only against her lips." "» „ —Everything bs wants" will come to tho man who waits* till he doesn't want anything. V —She : "The doctor eeys I need a change of air." Hot "All right! Hereafter I'll smoke ■» better quality <>f tobacco." Ho; "A voiuu, I notice, always lowex» t her voice to ask a favour." She: "Yes: she raises her voice if she <soesfs?*'-get it- # —"What a gocd job i^ was a-* doctor* motor that run over him."— tJ Ay« ; that a Bob Thomson ail over. He always m lucky." . 1 . — "I am. » self-made man, I am. — Wel!» I think there is one thing you needn't, worry about."— "What is that?"— " Taking oat » patent." —"Why do fashions change so frequently?"—"J don't know. It may be that they're trying to elude come of the F co P Ie , who follow them." . "Aren't you the man who was blind last week?"— " Yes, but I had to give, that up. People palmed off too many .counters feit coins on,- me !'" -L-S»he: "Why are arijsts always so careful to sign their -paintings?" He: "To indicate -which is the top «nd which w the bottom of the picture." —"My dear, you gßr prettier every "And shabbier, John. Compliments ax© all very -ireU, but I'd like to eea a littlo ready cash occasionally." — Ltdy Tourist {to -cottager's wife): 'Ar« these three niceUittle boys all your own, ; Mrs Macfarlahe?' I—"Yes,1 — "Yes, mem; but him in the middle's a lassie." —"It is better late than never," Is a motto out of date; -' In these days of fierce endeavour It ie better never late.

— Th© Prodigal Son: "This is about- th« toughest veal I ever tried to eat." Hia Father : "That's the calf you used to play with before- y^u ran away 15 years aso." —Miss Dressington. Ito little boy who if sidling up to her) : "What do you want, , dear— to give ma a -kiss?" Little Boy: ''Ao, I want my buttered econe that you'se sittia on." : . , , —"Mother," said a little girL "b**** go to the fancy-dress ball as a milkmaid? "No," replied her mother, "you are too small." "Well, can't Ibe a condensedmilkmaid?" ' —Lawyer : "I must know the whole truth, before I can successfully defend you. Have, you tcM me everything?" Burglar BiU"Exospt where I hid the money. I wantthat for myself.'' • —At the Thought-reading Entertainment: "Ladies and gentlemen, I will now pVooasd to blindfold my medium; not so much as a precaution against any suspicion of trickery as to hide his face." —Once the genial Peter Daaley consulted an oculist about his 'eyes. His nose waji < small, and he couldn't keep on the gla««» • with which the oculist wa« trying to fit him. are not used to glasses, Mr DaileK" said th-3 oculist. "Oh, yes, I am, replied Mr Daitey, "but not so high up. —Mrs Mimms: "Mary, it wan I_o1 _o elect • this morning when you got in. I heard you." Mary: "Well, ma'am, if I wasyou I'd take something to make me sleep better. I took my shoes off down in the kitchen, and didn't make no more noise than a cat would." Pve been kind of worried about you for a good while." —To his mother came a little boy, crying 1 and rubbing one of his eyes. "Well, what did /the chemist say?" the parent asked. "He says I had got a foreign substance, in my eye," Tommy replied. And 1 don't wonder at your getting such a thing, the mother said severely, "seeing that you will persist in playing with the Italian ice- . Cream- man's boys!" , • "I tell you," went on the- old 1 lady,, getting quite angry*, "I won't have th»room. I ain?t going to pay my money for a pigsty*, and as for sleeping i" one of them folding beds, I eimply won't do it! The boy could stand it no lcaig-ev.. Get on in, mum," aaid he, with a weary expression on his face. "This ain't jour rcom; it's the lift." . A. doctor who had recently married a. ycung widow 1 arrived home after performing a serious but successful operation on a patient. "How did it go?" asked his wife. "Oh, I pulled him through, but it was a &tiff job." "How clever you are, Tom," remarked the admiring spouse. "If I had only married you four years ago I feel certain that poor John (her first husband) would have been saved." —At a brilliant "at hom-s" given- by * society woman, a pianist of world-wide reputation was asked to perform. When ho had finished, the lady's young daughter was made to sit down and 1 play her new piece. "Now tell me, Herr ," said! the fusey mother to the great artist, "what do you think of my daughter's execution. * "Madame," he replied deliberately, "I think it would be a capital idea." T-An old man once visited one of his daughters who had antimacassars 011 the backs of all the chairs. WhH© sitting by the window the old man caught eight of the par&on coining to visit Mary, and ass the latter went to open the door the oTil man snatched all the antimacassar* »tkJthrew them under tho sofa. After the parson had gone he said to Mary : "Oh, ' Mary;, I am I was able to get allyour* washing out of the way before tho parsonj. came in."

— John Henry Vigors, of Liverpool, complained one day at dinner that tho meat was tough, the potatoes eoggy, and *o forth. Hie wife at last burst into tears. "John Vigora," she cried, "for 17 /ears my one thought has been to please you. There's not a man in Liverpool has better cooked! food than you. Ami this i* ail the thanks

T^jet." Tigore looked at her in astonishment. "T?oa &t& the mosfc unreaacmable woman I ever saw," he said coldly.' "Many and many % time I've sat down to a meal «nd sever eaid a word about it from start *o finish. Wasn't that enough of a compliment for you? Don't you know perfectly •well that if there had been the least little bib of a thing- to find fault with I'd have found it»"