FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2842, 2 September 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

■ — Idleness is the key of beggary. • — Talent is one thing ; tact is everything. — Silent men never have occasion to "eat their words." — Laziness begins in cobwebs and ends in iron chains. i — People are always asking for advice-, j but never taking it. . — The fire* step towards knowledge is t-j learn one's ignorance. — There is always hope for & man until he loses his self-respect. — When a wise man gets the worst of it he makes the best of it. [ — "Misery loves company" — the kind that j is long-eared and patient. — Mind "your own business — and let other people muddle theirs, if they want to. — "Man wants bat little here l>elow" — usually it is a little more than he gets. ' — (Many a man doesn't do anything worth while because he thinks it isn't worth ! while. — Keeper: "Hi, boy! You can't catch fish here without a permit." Boy: "Well,, I'm getting on well enough with a worm !" — "My brother, has a ]eading oart in that new drama."— "What part?"--"He leads a .horse across the stage in the last act," — Colonial Lady : "Is the Derby always this month?" London Lady: "Oh, yes. We have a proverb about it, don't you know, 'Derby and June' I" — "Well, young Dr Slicer has made his mark already, hasn't he?" — "Tee, did it on his first case." — "Great work ! What did he do?"— " Vaccinated him." , . —"I pay as I go !" declared the pompous player. "Not while I'm running these | apartments," declared the landlord. "You'll pay as you move in." — Dolly: "Molly Wolcott told me a month ago that her new gown was going to be a dream." Polly: "Well, that is all it is, so far: Her husband won't give her ' the money for it." — "Simmy," laid hi 6 mean uncle, "how would you feel if I were to give' you a penny?" "I think," replied Sammy, "that . I should) feel a trifle faint at first, but I'd try and get over it." • —Old Chap (weighed down with luggage) :■ "I say, my boy, tell me the quickest way to get to the station." Small Boy (aggravatmgly slow) : "Well, the quickest way is to run for it." — New Page (to the housemaid of a poet) : "Do tell me why he is always standing- before the mirror." Housemaid : "Sh ! He is thinkin* how he'll look when they raise a statue to 'im." — "Mother, is that hay rum in the bottle on your table?" — " No, my dear, ' that is the finest -gum." — "AJh," said little Johnny reflectively, "now I know why it > is I can't get my hat off." j — They were discussing storm expexi- j enoes and the size of the hailstones. "I j saw 6oine as large as a shilling," said one. i "Some I saw," remarked another, "were i as large as eighteenpence." The topic was changed. -^ ' — Overheard in> the Irish village : "Pat | came afore the magisthrate, who asked: < him how it was he cam© to be so drunk. < And Pat, he says that all the bhoye had •been betting drinks on the Derby and he had held the stakes." — Mrs Dobson: "Bridget told me she saw Sir and Mrs Hobson going to chuich i this morning. I wonder what's the mat£er?" Mr Dobson : "Why, either Mr Hobson has had another attack of heart trouble or Mrs Hobson has a new hat." -—Mistress (to new servant) : "I must impress upon you, when you go to the dining room, not to try to get the dirt off the 'Old Master* with a wet rag, but use a dry, soft cloth only." Servant: "Mercy on. us, mann; be I to wash the maater?" — Bennett: "All of Mra Howes children call her the 'mater.' Isn't it nice to ice such affection?" Baxter: "That isn't affection. She succeeded in marrying off six daughters in six years, and they call her the 'mater' because they think ehe has fairly earned the title." - — "Doctor, I want to thank you for your valuable medicine." "It helped you, did it?" asked the doctor, very much pleased. "It helped me wonderfully." — "How many bottles did you find it necessary to take?" — "Oh, I didn't take any of it. My uncle took one bottle, and lam his sole heir." — Refused compensation for ft cvi finger, a domestic servant left her situation without notice, and wrote the following letter to her late mistress: — "Madam, tfo& cut is worst. The doctor says I have cut the spinal cord of my little finger. If you do not immediately send me 5s a week I shall insult, my solicitor." — The storm was raging, and the ship off the seaside resort was obviously in peril when the old lady reached tho beach. "Oan't somebody do something?" she exclaimed. "It's all right," remarked a bystander; "they've cent 'em a line to com© ashore." "Gracious me," exclaimed tho lady; "were they waiting for a formal imitation!" I —A celebrated Old Bailey barrister tells the following. A Yankee was placed on his trial at the Old Bailey. On the first witnees being called the prisoner, with a peculiarly American accent, asked: "My lord, is this man going to give evidence against me?" "Yes," was the repljr. "Then | I plead guilty — not that I am guilty, but I wish to save him from committing perjury." • ' ] — Curran was once addressing an Irish jury in an important case. During his speech he observed that the judge shook his head. Fearing lest the gesture should have an adverse influence on the jury, Ourran warmed up for the moment, and said: "I ccc, gentlemen, the motion of hie Lordship's head; but, believe me, if you remain here ma.nj days you will see that irhon bis Lordship shakes his bead there's nothing in it."

— A retired naval chaplain, became rector of an English, country parish. On one occasion his parishioners, wishing (o give him a surprise, bought a flag for th© Qhurob. tower. When the rector ea-w it hoisted on tbe tow-er he at once ordered it to be taken down. On being asked his reason for doing so, lie indignantly answered : "Allow that flag to fly over my church — never. Do you know what that particular flag aigcififlfl? 'In distress; want a pilot.' "'