FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2805, 18 December 1907, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

The matchmaker is often disguised as a chaperon.

— A- toothless woman never sees anything ■worth laughing at. — When is. applause like dates? — When i; comes from the palms. — Even the rritio is not infallible. A roast is not -always well done. —It is quite an art to know how to K&ge a cook without lesing your self-respect. — Paperhangers are about the only men who succeed in business by going to the wall.

— Seme people decry riches, but they are usually very respectful tc those who have them.

— "Is he looking for a jcb?'"— >I No, but he will take one if he can't find a situation." —It may be hard for a girl to love her enemies, but she. invites them all to her wedding. — "Haj he much will power?"— 'l should say so. He will leave about a million when h« diea."

— "I say, Snivelly, my portrait ia in all the papers." — "What disease have you been cured of?"

— "Is Jack going to marry Maty?" — ''No doubt of it. She has refused him twice already." — "'You listened attentively to my yermon. What impreaed you most about it?" f —"It's length." — Why is a bdlckeepei so tired after ! a- day's work? — Because she « ail day running up columns. — The- man on the- top has the heUeT view, but (says *. cynic), the man on the ground^ hold* the ladder. — Even the introduction of an automobile into a musical comedy- does not entirely eliminate hotaeplay. — She: "And do you never think-seri-ously of getting married?" He: "It «s the only wwr I do think of it, jnd Vs wny I demit." , — "How intense are the Sres ox. lovei ejaculated she poet. "Yes," answered the father of six marriageable daughters . "but they do take * lot of ooal." — Mrs. Oldstyle.* 'I don't think that a, college education- amounts to much." Mr Sparerod: "Don't you? Well., you ought to ; pay my bov'fr bills and 1 see." — Shor and Clara are encaged, but they have decided to keep Aeir engagement, a secret Clara told me «o. He: "Yes, I know— Freddie told me." — "Your *ife U9ed to play and sing * great deal I have not heard her lately. 1 ' "Since we have rad children »he has baa no time."— "Ah, children are such a blesSll^Het "I euppos* Vias 'Elderkigh, *s 1 what you wou*d call a gJrl of uncertain years, is she not?" She; "No, indeed. She has been the seme age for at least 10 1 years." i —Host: "Why on earth did you put poor- Jenkins between two- such chatterboxes at the table?" .Hostess. :< Why, dear, j you know he is so fond oi tonguesandwiehea!" -•

— Briggs: "Isn't that the same suit you had last year?" Srigg»: "Yes, and it's the same suit whe^you asked me last year if it wasn't the same suit that I had the year before." — "Auntie, should / be justified in writing *o a young man who had never written t« me?"— " Only on very important business, my dear."— "Well, this i* important business. I want to marry him." — "That grass- setd you planted in the spring: didn't pan out well, did it?" "Sh-shi That wa* only * bluff. Now I haven* anj lawn to mow ; And my wife thinks it's the fault of the seed."

—"I tut sc sorry your brother is * ill. What does the telegram say?" — "Not much, mum. But it's the tilygravm that makes me fear he's dyin\ His handwritin' Is that changed I'd never know it at aO, at all." — Simpson (recounting hU experience it a .recent party} • "They didn 1 * even ask me to sing." Miss Wilson folnridly) : "You've sung 1 ihere before, ha/en't you?" —"Yes, once. Why f— "Oh nothing.'" — Sunday School teacher: "Why must we always- be kind to the poor, Ethel?" Ethel slightly mixed) : "Because among the sundry and manifold changes of this wicked^ world we don't know how coon they may become rich."

— tike to see the n*n frho An /orget an injury. "^— "Well, there's that neighbour of mine, Reid — he's raised an action against the railway company for an- Injured leg. and every sow and then he 2orge*m to limp." — "Why i« dinner cot ready, Bridget? Didn't I tell you to cook it in the gas stove?" — "Vie. mum; but the. pas stove wint out." — "Why didn't you light it again?"— ''l couldn't, mum; it want out throujrh the roof."

— Tha- Heathen (looking at a sporting newspaper, which contains a. picture of a football game): "What's this?" The Missionary : "Picture of a football game." The Heathen: "Do you not send missionaries amonsr these people?'' — ''Now, ladies and gentlemen." said the guide «o the paity in Rome, "we are going to see Hadrian's Villa," "Oh," said Mrs Ho|kins, "I do 'ope the 'Adrians won't be at 'ome, so we shall be able to see the hirside of th<* '©use."

— Uncle : "Now, what would you say if I gave you a shilling a-piece?" Master tTaok: "I'd rather you gave mine to Sis and told her to buy- me a shilling cannon, as pa said the first money I got should go tor that window I broke."

— '"Tommy." said the hostess, 'you aprear to be in deep thought." :< Tes'm," replied Tommy ; "ma told me somethin' to say 'ii you should ask me to have some cake or anything, an' I've bin here so long now I forget what it -was." — "My daughter is positively delighted with be* new piano," said the proud mother; "she'« quite familiar, you know, with nearly /til the classic composers—- — " "Familiar?" exclaimed the next-door neighbour, meaningly: "why, she's positively flippant."

— "May I intwoduce to you my friend?" asked a fashionable young "man at a recent dance. "He is a litewawy man, you know." — "Indeed !" exclaimed his r»rtncr. — "Aw. ye«. He sent the Society News a list of the guests at the last pahty, and the cditah accepted it."

— Two women were being shown Ihrough n hospital for the insane. As they entered a. 'ward one turned to the other and said, "I wonder ii that clock is rizht?" An inmate standing near overheard her. &nd instantly replied, "Great Scott, .ao! 2t wouldn't he here if it wae !"

— "So this is the opal ring Mr Porrley pavo you?" said sliss Bright, examining it. \re you— «r— pleased with it?" "Ob, yes,"

replied Mies Duniley, "but you know tieold superstition about opals. I'm afraid; it'll bring me bad luck." "But— cr — this can't biing you anything worse than an imitation of bad lick."

— Olara : "There ought to be & lam passed compelling men to wear some distinct dress to denote whether they are married or not " Maude : "Oh, that isn't neoessary.' 1 Clara: "Why not?" Maude: "When a man is seen on the street in a last year's hat and baggy trousers it is safe to bet that he's married."

— They' had the multimillionaire on the/ witness stand and were endeavouring to show that he was merely an insensate grubber for wealth. "State your business!" replied the attorney for the prosecution. "I have no business," replied the man of vrealth. "I am merely a faddist." "Eh! What'e your fad?" The witness faintly smiled, "I am a coin collector," he replied.