FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2804, 11 December 1907, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— Poverty is the want of orach, avarice the want of everything.

—No tyranny of circumstances can permanently imprison a determined will. — Man is not merely + he architect of his own fortune, but he must also Uy the bricks himself.

— More men fail through ignorance of their strength than through knowledge of their weakness.

— You may succeed when others do not believe in you. but ne^er when you do not believe in yourself.

The Poet: "A.h! the world is full of poetry." The Editor: "TJin, yes; so is the waste-paper basket." — "Her new teeth are her pride and joy." — "I hope that she .vill never have to swallow her pride." — We are fond of giving away that which is of no use to ourselves. Perhaps ihat is whf we tender our advice so freely.

— The Fiscal : "He is a man of sober habits, isn't he?" Witness: "Yes, sir; when he keeps away from the drink." — Prisoner: "Yes'm ; I'm in prison for robbery at a summer hotel?" Visitor: "Were you proprietor or head waiter?" — Knicker : "Wliat is a scientist?" Bucker : "A man who wants to find out how many germs there are in spilt milk." — Meeks: "The man who tries to change a woman's views is a fool." Weeks: "How do you know?" Meeks: "My wife told me

eo." — Benedict: "Milton's wife left him, didn't she?" Bachelor: "So the story goes." — '3>id he write anything after that event?" — "Oh, yes. Taradiee Regained ' " — Tom: "Miss Peach has a secret charm about her that I can't understand." Jack : "Oh ! don't let that worry you. She won't keep it any longer than any other secret." — Mugg : "Yes ; they thought I was poisoned, and the doctor came with his stomach pump." Wump : "Did he get anything out of you?" Mugg:""Yes; ten shillings." — ''How do you know that that couple is married?" — "They ride on a tramcar every day." — "Oh. then, you are acquainted with them?"— "No; but she always pays the fares." — "Oh, for the wings of a dove/ sighed the poet with the unbarbered hair. "Order what you like," rejoined the prosaic person, "but as for me, give me the breast of a chicken." — "That is a pretty big piece of cake for a boy of your size," said papa at tea to Jimmy. "It looks big," said Jimrr.T. "but really it isn't. It's got lots of porouses in it." — "Bobby, Tm surprised. This note fro;r. your schoolmaster says you're the last boy in the class of 25."—" Well, I could be worse." — "I don't see how." — "It might have been a bigger claf6." — "And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked a lady who was about to engage a new maid-of-all-work. "I donU has to be, mum," replied the anplicant, "unless you happens to need me !" — Ernie: "I believe Estelle's great-great-grandfather was a pirate. They had a silhouette of him in the family album.' Eva: "Yes, but even a silhouette won't make him any blacker than he was."

— She: "I have been told that I have some literary ability. Would you advise me to start a magazine?" He: "Well. I see no reason why you shouldn't. You probably have enough powder on hand." — "Do you believe in art for art's sake?" asked fche transcendentalist. "No," answered the materialist: "the mention of art for' art's sake usually means a request to work hard without getting paid for it." —"I have made many mistakes, your .Worship." pleaded the prisoner, beforp the magistrate for the dozenth time. "And many mistakes have made you — what you are," responded the magistrate. "Sixty days." — Would-be Cyclist : "I thought you said that after 12 lessons of an hoijr eich I should know how to ride?" Cycling Instructor : "So you would, sir, if you hadn't r.pent the best part of the time on the ground." — Mrs Gray: "What did she say when you told her I first met mv husband in a big chop?" Mrs White: "She remarked it wa3 wonderful what a lot of cheap articles were to be picked up in some of those places." —Mr Nuwed, arriving home late, encounters the housemaid returning from her "day out." "Why, Jane," he says, "this ;s a nice time of nitfht to come home !" Jane : "Yes, sir. What would missus say to us if she knew?" — Host: "I'm sorry to send you out in such a blustering night as this, old fel. low." Guest: "It is raining pretty hard. I say, couldn't you lend me your umbrella?" Host: "Certainly: and— er— T Ihink I'll walk home with you my<Hf. I leallv need a little exercise.'.^—,

— "Mamma, Mr Black proposed to me last night." — "Did you accept him, Ethel?"' — "Yt-o, mamma.'"— "Has he atiy money. Fjthtl? r ' — '"Only throe hundred a year, mamma."— "Well, Ethel, handle him carefully till the .spring. Possibly you nay pick up something better during the winter."

— Betty was entertaining the clergyman until her mother returned from the town, and presented l.im with a smooth -white almond 'Thank you, my little girl." s^'id the clertoman. much pleased at the attention. "Thank you." Retty ferr-wed herself up on to a chair. "It wis pink at fir>l." fhe said. —Old Gumleiprh (toconducfor vhohnsiutt given him his ticket) : "Young man. I laid the first foundation of mv fortune by savin? tram fare*. T " Conductor- '"Ah, .'ir, that may be =o. but you ini:rt remember that a conductor" couldn't <lo ihnr sort of thing nowadays with those bell punr^es and tlio check Ey^rem." — The Rev. Sam. Jones once preached to the colour^ people at Dyerpburer, Kentucky. After the sermon a pood old sister came to him and said: "Brer Tones. Gcd bless you. You is the nreacher for me. I understand every word >ou say. You preaches just like a nigeor You has a white skin, but thank God, you has a black heart."

— A little boy entered a surpwy the other day. On seeing the drcior he whispered quietly into his oar, "Ploaso. mother wants to know is measles catching';" "Toll her of course it is," renliod the doctor. The boy, not being satisfied \\Ah thi«, exclaimed: "Please, sir, mother Man's io know what you will jrivo her to spread them about the Milage? My sister's got 'em awful!"

— Two gentlemen out 'hootinp wore silting down to lunch. On taking the whisky bottle out one of them noticed that the cork had been tampered with, and know-

ing th« character of their gillie at once accused him of having been at the lunch basket. "I fear you have been drinking the whisky. Sandy." "Na, na, bit, I hae not, for th' cork widna come cot,' was the gillie's reply. — A temperance lecturer wa3 delivering a discourse on the evils of drink. After lecturing for half an hour, he said : ''Now, supposing I had a pint of water and a pjnt of beer on this platform, and then brought on a donkey, which would he take?" "He"d take the water,' came a \oiee from the gallery 'And why would! he take the water?" asked the lecturer "Because he is an ass," came the reply. — Miss Strong: "Pardon me, but if T am not mistaken you are one of the poor, underpaid workinjr girls whom our Emancipation Society tried to benefit — or, at least, you were two years ago."- Fair Stranger: "That -is tiue." — "Then cur society has evidently not been without influence, for you look very prosperous now." — "I have everything I want, and never was so happy in my life."— "Thank heaven ! You must have solved th« woman problem." — "I have." — "Glorious! Tell me ho«? you have managed it!" — ''I have married." —An old woman was being «juest'oned by a lawyer as to how a testator had looked when he made a remark to her about some relatives. 'Now how can I remember? He's been dead two years, she answered testily. "'ls your memory so poor that you can't remember two rears back?" he persisted. The old woman was silent, and the lawyer asked. "Did he took anything like me?"— " Seems i.o me he dvi have the same sort of vacant look," responded the witness. The lawyer had no further questions to #sk her.