FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2762, 20 February 1907, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

■ — If a man is too lazy to work he sets himself up as a. philosophy dispenser. — Some people seem to think they can purchase friends just as they do groceries. - — "Do you ever have any quarrels in your women's club?" — "Oh, no; we call them ' debates.' " —If you would become popular with indolent people, all you have to do is to let them impose on you. "— " He pretends to love music, but he never asks me to sing." — " Perhaps that's his way of proving it." " — " Tommy, did you run off and go fishing this morning?" — " Pa_, which will you whip me hardest for — lyin' or tellin' the truth?" Madge Trill: "The manager seems to think that some day my voice will break the record." Jealous Rival: "Perhaps— if you sing in a gramaphone." —Dr Kurenon : " You haven't iaken the medicine I left for jou. Such things make me lose my patience." The Patient : " I was afraid if I took it you would lose Another of your patients." —.Stranger: "Are you the sheriff? Are you an advocate of peace and quiet?" Sheriff: "You bet! I'll hey peace and quiet, by gum, ef I hey ter shoot up the bull blame camp tor get it." • — Mrs Hogan (wirh paper) : " Glory be ! Highway robbers are now usin' auttymobiles!" Hogan: "No wondherl Sure, th' most casual reader must acknowledge their superiority over sand-bags." "Ah!" aaid Adolphus* "in our courting 'days when I took leave and went down the afepe she said 'Bye-bye' ao sweetly, and no.w it's 'Buy, buy.'" "I see," said his friend; "flbe's cast a different spell over you." — "Now, I am ready, how do I look, dear?" — "You remind me of a Sioux in his war-paint." — "Oh, you nasty thing, you "—"" — " Don't cry, darling : I only meant you were dressed to kill." — Baltimore American. — First Lawyer: "Why do you charge that pretty widow such enormous bills for consultation?" Second Lawyer: "Because I want her to marry me, and I'm trying to convince her that it will be cheaper to do so." Susie had tried the teacher's patience sorely, and when the latter looked up and Baw the little girl eating toffee, with her feet sprawling into the aisle, she said: " Susie, take that toffee out of your mouth and put your feet in !" — Touring car had turned upside down, burying the motorist under it, but the English village official' was not to be so lightly turned from duty. " It's no use you bidin' there, sir," lie said, severely. " I must 'aye your name and address." — Watchman (discovering a burglar in the act of opening a bank safe): "Hold on! What are you doing there?" Burglar : " Don't make such a row, old man. I want to see if my deposit is all right. Nobody can tr_ust his banker nowadays." —"I certainly was shocked," said the Btern-visaged woman, "to hear that you were mwried. I wouldn't marry the best man on earth." ~ "He never gave you the chance!" retorted Mrs Bridey, "because he assured me that I was the only girl he ever proposed to." — Little Stanley: "Paw-uh! 1 . Mr Busyman: "We!!, mv son?" Little Stanley: "Paw, when a doctor is sick and calls in another doctor to doctor him, is the doctor doctored the way he wants to be doctoTed, or does the doctor doctor him just as he thinks he ought to be doctored?" — Mrs Upmore: "Yes, she is a wonderfully talented woman. I wish I had her vocabulary." Mrs Suddyn-Klymer : Its certainly a fine one— but it broke down with her the other day, miles and miles from anywhere, and it cost her fifteen dollars to have it hauled to the nearest repair chop." — Chicago Tribune. A man named Kenny, who was entertaining some friends at dinner accidentally swallowed a bit of cork with his wine, which brought on & coughing fit. ' Take care, my friend," said his next neighbour, with a brilliant attempt at a witticism, "that's not the way for Cork." was the reply, "but it's the way to Kilkenny" , , — Episcopal duty in some parts of Australia has its humorous side. One prelate, on his first journey round, was flunp into deep mud by a restive horse. Rising ruefully with his chaplain's help, and surveying the place, the bishop consoled himself with this reflection: "I have left a very deep impression in that part of the diocese, at any rate." — Mrs Crossley: "John, that gentleman with the long hir and -big black tie is going- to- write a series of stories on •Wild Animals I Have Met.'" Mr Crossley : " Well, what do you mean by inviting him to call at this house so early in the morning?" Mrs Crossley (sweetly): vVhy, I thought he would like to see you when breakfast is a few minutes late." — The old lady" entered the taxidermist <? shop in a blaze of wrath, carrying a defunct oncka+oo in a class case. "You can see lor yourself, sir. You only stuffed my poor parrot in the summer, and here's his feathers tumbling out before your evos." •' Lor' bless ye'm. that's the triumph of the art! We stuff "em that natural that they moulte in their proper season." — Mrs Greende: "Why, what are you crying about?" Mrs Newwedde : "Well, ycu know, John is away from home for a week on business."—" Yes."—" He writes that he gets out my pioture and k-kis'es it every day."—" Well, that's surely nothing- for you to cry about."— "Yes, it is! Just Cor a joke, I took my picture out of his bag before he started, and put one of m-m-mother's in its place." —He was extremely absent-minded. Being left in sole charge of the baby one evening, he discovered that there was no lamp oil in the house. Not daring to leave the infant alone, he took it with him to an oil shop. " Sit down quietly, there s a little darling!" he said to the oil can, placing it on the counter, and handing the infant over to the shopman, added : Just fill this up with paraffin oil, please! —An Irishman over for the harvest was Sn Stookport, and he wanted to go to Marple, about four miles away. As he [was walking along he- saw a boat going fclong the canal, bo he asked the boatman 'if he was going to Margie. "Yes," replied the boatman. "How far is it?" Jtaked the Irishman. " About nine miles t>y the canal," replied the boatman. "Can I work my passage to Marple?" said the lrieiunau. * " Yes," replied the boatman ; *'go and drive the horse." When he Veaohed Marple he said to the man, " Be"dad, and if it wasn't for the looks o{ the Jkbjng, I might as well have walked!"