FUN AND FANCY,

Otago Witness, Issue 2735, 15 August 1906, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY,

— Operatic Manager: "I can't afford to - Pay you over £4 10s a week and expenses, and you must permit me to announce you a3 receiving £100 a night." Mme. Highnote: "Make it £5. and you may announce rue at £200 a night." — Young Jones (looking over apartments down in Wales) : "Thi6 is rather a large cupboard, isn't it? Do nicely for clothes and things." Landlady (with great indignation) : "_Bir-r-r, this is not a cupboard ; this is a sitting room !'' — Teacher: "Tommy, when was Rome built?" Tommy: "In the night." Teacher: "How came you to make such a mistake?" Tommy: You said yesterday Rome wasn't built in a. day. so it must have been done on nightwork." —"I haven't quite determined," said the father, "whether to have my daughter's voice cultivated here or abroad. What would you suggest?" "Oh!" said the neighbour, without hesitation, "abroad, by all means." And g© the feud started. — "Voice (at the telephone): "Major, will you bring your family and take supper with its next- Sunday?" Servant Girl (re- » plying backi through telephone) : "Master and mistress are not in. at present ; but they can't come to supper, as it's my Sunday out." t- m 1 am greatly troubled with kleptomania; ' exclaimed a fashionably-dressed woman, as she hustled into a drug department. ''Now, what would you advise me to take for it?" "Your departure, madam, by" all moans " replied the floorwalker, and bowed her to the elevator.

—"I iiavs never given you credit for knowing very much, madam," said a blunt old bachelor; "but— — " "Sirl" she interrupted. "Do you wish to insult " "But," he continued, "I have always admired your grace' and beauty." "I accept your apology," said the lady. — Editor of Country Newspaper: "I am sorry to hear, sir, that you are displeased with the- church announcenienrs in our last issue.*' Parson: "Disp:eased! Read this, sir; 'N»x.t Suujay evening the Rev. Mr Parsons will speak upon the evils of strong drink. The address should be worth hear-

ing, for Mr Parsons is always full of his subject.' ''

— A gentleman who is no longer young, and who nover was handsome, asked his son's child what he thought of him. The boy's pa rente were present. The youngster made no reply. "Well, so you won't tell me what you think of me? Why won't you?" "f'Cause I don't want "to get licked," replied tho sprig of a rising generation. — Before he ascended the pulpit in a country church, a special preacher was asked if he would like any particular hymn chosen to agree with his sermon. '\No," he replied ; "as a matter of fact, I hardiy ever .Icbcw what I am going to say until I get into the pulpit." "in that case," replied the vicar, "we bad better have one of the hymns 'For those at sea.' " — Henry VIII has been a fruitful subgct for brilliant remarks in juvenile essays. ©w is one of the last specimens: — "King Henry VIII had a lot ot trouble; he 1-ad eight wives, but he was pleased they all died before him. He saw a photograph that vrsm - touched i up, and he thought he should like to marry the lady, but when he- saw .her ne said: 'Farewell, V a long farewell V "

-'-Johnnie is aged nine, and is at a preparatoiy school, the assistant-governess of which possesses considerable charms of her own. She said to Johnnie the other day. "I am very sorry, but I shall be obliged to detain you again to-day after school is over." "AH right, just as you like," replied the precocious youth; "but mind, if any scandal comes of your keeping me aftor school every day, you aioue are responsible for it." — Housekeeper: "How's this? You promised to saw some wood if I gave you a lunch." Tramp: "I recall no such promise, madam. — "The idea ! I told you I'd give you a lunch if you sawed some wood, and you agreed." — "Pardon me, madam. Your exact words were: 'I'll give you a lunch if you caw that wood over there by the gate.' " — "Exactly. That's just what I said." — "Well, madam, I saw that wood over there by the gate as I came in." — The provision dealer looked distinctly, annoyed. Glaring savagely across at the new assistant he said sternly: "That lady who just went out — didn't I hear her ask for fresh-laid eggs?" "Yes, sir," Henry answered. "And you said we hadn't any?" "V— yes, sir; that is quite true." "True, you juggins, you ! Didn't you see me lay thctK) eggs myself on the counter 10 minutes ago? ' Take a month's notice to quit, and mind you, don't look to me for a We must have no prevarication in this establishment."

-f- Soriblets : "I've got a boot that will celL this time." Friend: "New historical novels" Scriblets: "No; it's a book of excuses for Dowowing money. They're all catalogued— -five for every day in the year." — "You ffhould have heard Dr .Lister's lecture latt night on 'Honesty,' " she remarked to her husband. "I never heard anything that took so much effect upon me lam sure it will make me a better woaian." — ''Oh, indeed' And did you walk home?"— " No ,l took the car; and, what do you think, Leslie, the conductor never aeked me for wy fare, and I 6aved twopence. Wasn't I lucky?" — The famous Father Tim Healv was once travelling iv a railway carriage with a sour-looking individual, who, in a eomcwhat aggressive way, insisted on proclaiming himself an Agnostic^ The priest merely nodded his head, and then seemed absorbed in his book. His companion, however, was bent upon having an argument, and proceeded to set forth hie opinions at great length. Finally, Father Healy looked up. "You, sir, as «n Agnostic, believe in nothing?" he asked quietly. "I only believe what I can understand," replied the other. "It come* to the same thing," said Father Tim, blandly, and resumed his book without further interruption. — They were driving from the railway station to the village in which the Wilful Jioneymoon was to be passed, and though she had not as yet brushed the confetti out of her hair, the bride was in au agony of* nervousness' in case they should be taken for anything but a couple well seasoned to the joys. and sorrows of matiimony. Presently the carriage drew back with a jerk. "What's the matter?" queried the bridegroom of the coaohmaii. "Horse thrown a shoe, air," said the driver. Tho bride clutched her husband's arm, and trith what sounded suspiciously like a sob, "Oh, 6Var, George," -she eaid, "is it pes•ible tuat even the very h\?r&e# know we mxs niarrwdi" -*-■--