FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2728, 27 June 1906, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

— Hawley : "I wonder why a dentist calls his office 'a dental parlour?" Smart: "I don't know. Drawing room would be more appropriate.' ' — Overheard in "Westland before the General Election. Jack: "Who are you going to vote for, Bill." Bill: "Good heavens, is Diok Seddon dead?" — Young Tenor: "You have heard my voice, professor. Now, tell me candidly, to wliafc branch of vocalism is it best adapted" Professor: "Cheering!" — Grayce: are you crying about?" Gladys: "My new hat isn't becoming. All the girls " Grayce: "Say it isn't?'" Gladys: "No— 'boo — hoo. They say it is." — Bobbe: "Do you believe that extremes ever really meet?" Dobbs: "Certainly. Take the speed of a telegram and the absence of epeed in the boy who delivers it, for example." — First Stranger : "Excuse me, sir, but I notice that you are looking at mo closely. | Is there anything about me that is familiar?" Second Stranger: "Yes, there is. My umbrella." — First Joiner: "I had a walk through tho woodyard jestorday." Second Joiner: ! "There isn't much to see there." First Joiner: "No, but there's plenty to saw." j Collapse of tho second joiner. . ! — > American (proudly) : "I understand ' that all your sons are engaged to American girls." Lord Toplofty :- "All but one, the , eldest. He, being heir to the estate, can ; afford to marry an English girl." i — Ritor: "I'm a shorthand reporter now." Scribbles :* "I didn't (know you understood] stenography." Rifcer: "I don't, but tho j city editor is only employing me at prc■sent because he was ehorthanded." — Pomply (a trifle conceited): "I j."i used to having people pay at least a little attention to what I am saying, Mies Romply!*' Mis 3 Romply {somewhat bored): *'Wh}-, I am j/aying as little as I can, Mr Pomply!" — "'Papa,*** said the darling daughter of tho household, "how did you propose marriage to mamma?" "Don't ask me," answered the old man. "I can't remember a thing about it. Go and ask your mother. She managed the whole affair." —Mr Couitenay -(flatteringly): "I had the blues awfully when. "I came here tonight, Misg Eisher, but they are all gone now. .You are as good as medicine." Miss Fisher's Little Brother: "Yes; father himself saya fehe'll be a drug in the market if she doesn't catch some fellow soon." — Mamie : "I believe in woman's rights." Gertie : "Then you think every woman should have a -vote?" Mamie: "No, but I think every woman should have a voter." — "Does Mrs Grigsby allow her husband's friends to smoke in the house?" '"Not if Grigsby furnishes the cigars." — Tho following doubtful compliment is a fragment from a love-letter : — "How I ( wish, my darling Adelaide, my engagements would permit me' to leave town and ocmo-and see you! It would be like visiting some old ruin, hallowed by time and fraught with & thousand recollections." The following epigrammatic quatrain 'iras written by ft well-known bachelor-poet in a lady's album : — "AH honour to woman, ■the sweetheart, the wife, The delight of the fireside by night and br day, Who never does; anything wrong in her life. Except when permitted to have her own way." I — "How fresh the air seems down here in the country," said the jaded town dweller. "In the city it's intolerable." "Yos, indeed sir," replied the intelligent son of the soil; "for mv part. I've often wondered why they don't build the big cities out in the country, where there's i better air and more room." j — "Woman," etid he, in agonised tones, "you have broken my heart." She laid her ear to his manly besom. ".No," said i fihe, after listening intently, "there is not tho slightest evidence of organic lesion. There is a slight palpitation, due, perhaps, to cigarettes. That is all." And now | the young man swears that hereafter when j he makes love to a girl ha will be sure she is not a medical student. — Pat Was Puzzled. — The men were getting paid off from a road-making job, and as the men filed past the paymaster, each man was requested to sign the pay sheet in l-eoeipt of his money. Amongst them was 'an Irishman, who stated his inability to sign his name. "Well." 6aid the clerk, "you will have to sign with a cross." "Wid a cross?" cried Pat with wide-opened ey«s. "Yea" (impatiently). "How the divil did yez know I was a Roman Catholic?" — Some years ago a Mr KiJsby Jones (a noted Welsh wit) was supporting a ca-ndi-dato for Parliamentary honours at an openair meeting on a hot summer day, and like a v/ito man kept on his hat while speaking. . To this somebody took exception, and shouted- -out, "Take off your hat when you'ra addressing the people." To this tho speaker at one* retorted, "Yes. my friend, perhaps you could afford to do so, but -I nave brains to protect from this broiling sun." — Mark Twain thus complimented Wagner in an after-dinner speech made to the members of an American Wagnerian society: — "Gentlemen, I have lately been taking great interest in the works of Wagner. — {Applause.) I have been to orchestral concerts to hear his music played- (Loud applause.) I have stayed at home to study hia compositions in the full score. — (Cheers.) And, gentlemen, the conclusion I have arrived at is, that Wagner's mu3io is really not half as bad as it sounds!" — After Meyerbeer's death, a conceited young student submitted to Rossini's judgment a funeral march he had composed to to the memory of tho master, and waited in complacent expectancy of Rossini's enthu- | siastic applause. "There's just one alteration I should have preferred, if I might venture to suggest it." Rossini said at last ' hesitatingly. "Certainly, certainly ; any suggestion from you will receive my earnest consideration." "Well, the alteration I should have preferred is that Meyer- i beer .had written a funeral. march for you!" j —An Englishman in Normandy went rabbit shooting with two Frenchmen, his lioste. -on their estate. They- saw a rabbit, ' and the Englishman raised his gun. but i they cried, " No, no ! Do not shoot ! That is Mimi! W«- never shoot at Mimi!" Another rabbit - appeared, and again the Englishman took aim, but once more he waa checked. "ThaT,"' they explained^ "is the adorable LuTu-l C'est au - vrai bijou ! ( We nejter shoot- at Lulu!" A -third rabbit sprang vp 1 , but the astonished Englishmanmade no movement. untiT his friends, much agitated, shouted, 'Shoot! Shoot! That is AlphonseJ We alwaj'e shoot at Al- , •konsel" I