FUN AND FANCY,

Otago Witness, Issue 2707, 31 January 1906, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY,

— "I understand that drinking is one of your husband's failings." — "You have beea nasinfor/ned. It is hie niobt pronounced success." — Miss Spinster: "I think it very uupolite for a gentleman to throw a kiss to a lady."' Miss Flippant: "So do I. H« should deliver it in person." — From a religious paper : "Will any friend give ■employment to a man who w:is an actor until lately, but is now a wholly changed character?"' Theatrical papers p lease copy. — Glasgow is agitating for umbrella stands on the platform 5 of tramway cars A? everyone will brins^ his wonst umbrella, it is hard to sea who will benefit under the proposed arrangement. — Proceedings havi bpen taken against a. Swansea man for keening chickens in hie living room. The defence is understood to bo that the residence 15 now a foul house within the meaning of the act. — Manager: "So you think you can ' stand the arduous dune 1 - of a variety actor? j You know in our play we find occasion to 5 throw you down a 30ft flight of staire "r.to a barrel of scrap iran." "I think I can manage it." said the hungry man who had 1 applied for a job. "I was a debt col- ] lector for three years." — Asked if htr husband was a skilled workman, a police-court applicant replied "No, he's rather a thin young fellow." She was evan more incousoquent than a. certain member of the Stock Exchange, who protested against the Kaiser being described as a bellicose individual, on the ground that he n-as a man of spare build. — Parent (■entering village school with a w hip) : "My boy tells me that 3'ou broke your cane acio=s his back yesteiday." Schoolmaster (turnincr lathor pale): "Well. I—lI — I may have, struck him harder than I intended ro. but " Parent- ''I thought I'd make you a present of this whip. You 11 find that It'll last longer and do him more good." , — Having discovered a Hebrew "bull, the Jewish World now recalls a pun per- ! pe-trated by the patriarchal Sir Moses Men1 tefiore, wh>se benevolent existence extended to his hundredth year. Hearing that a ' comic paper Lad described him as a "bon i mot" (Mo), he briskly lemarked, "They ■will next be calling me a "jeu (Jew) d'^esprifc " — "No," said Ethel, "I'm afraid I snail never see Harold again." "Why? Have you offended: him?" "Yee, I was giving him a nice sisteily talk, and 6aid that I was afraid that he was leading an aimless existence." "Did he get angry?" > "Yes You see, he has the reputation of being the -woist shot in his volunteer corps. I quite forgot it at the time." j — He was a very younir clergyman, ana on thi3 his first day at his first appointment he showed evident nervousness. After readinsr the service the young clergyman fdtered cut :he following announcement: — "Services will be held at 10 a.m. next Sunday at the noith end, and in the afternoon at the south end at half-past 3. Infants will be baptised at both ends." — An Irish undertaker was requested to embalm the; body of a fellow-countryman. I The wife of the deceased asked what the cost would be. He named his usual charge, ; to which ehe quickly replied: "I think that's too much." "But it is the regular fee." protested the undertaker. "That may > be," assented the widow; "but this ain't a regular corjse. My husband had a wooden kg." j — The Bishop of Peterborough has a ' pretty wit. A rich and benevolent milr honaire was once boasting to the bishop of the amounts he gave yearly in charity. ! He mentioned the figure as if he thought t it would undoubtedly secure for him an I oichestra stall ,in heaven. "Well," re1 marked the bishop, on learning the amount, "that's the largest insurance against fire I ever heard of !" — A Liverpool professor, when a young man, ordered a bottle of hock in a Melbourne restaurant, saying as he did so: "Here, waiter, bring me a bottle of hookhie, hsec, hoc !"' The waiter, a brokendown Oxfortt man, smiled, but never stirred. "What are you standing there for?" exclaimed the professor^ "didn't I order some hock'r" "Yes, sir," said the waiter, "you ordered it, but you afterwards declined it." — A boy of Puritan extraction was called one day by his mother from the yard wlere he was playing with some other boy=. In a tone of mingled eadnesg and severity she said— "My son, I never thought to hear you use a swear word !" "Why, mother," 'said the boy; "I didn't use any swear word. I only said the devil. Nobedy thinks that's swearing." "I don't caio," cried the mother, qukkly; "it's making light of sacred things." — Dr Chalmers, one of the founders of th« Free Church of Scotland, was very fond of cnemistry in his student days at St. Andrews. He received his first charge at Kilnaany, in Fifeshire, when he was 23. Not long after ho had settied in the town he greatly impiessed his people with some lectures on chemistry. "Our minieter,' said one woman to another, "is just a warlock. He's been tellin' in hoo to clean claes Mothes) withoot soap." referring to his experiments illustrating the power of bleaohing powder. "Did t« ever!" was the anawer. "Then I wish he'd tell me hoo to mak' pamtch withoot meal." — The chaplain of 0:10 of his Majesty's ships was giving a. magic Jantern lecture, the subject of which was "JScenes from the Bible." He arranged with a. sailor who possessed a gramaphone to discourse appropriate mu&ic between the slides. The first picture shown was Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The sailor cudgelled his brain, but could think of nothing suitable. "Play \ip," whispered the chaplain. Suddeiitly a large idea struck the jolly tar, and to the great consternation of the chaplain and the delight of the audience, tlio gramaphone burst forth with, the strains of "There's only one girl in the world for me." It is pitiful to notice how many babies are allowed to rest their heads, and in. many cases their bodies, on feather pillows. Hardly one baby carriage- or wheeled chair in 20 is fitted with anything els© The proper pillow for hot weather 16 hair-stuffed. Tk» hair pillow is quite soft enough for th« youngest baby, while the difference in temperature is beyond question. For one thing, the small body doee not sink into a hollow, as in the case of a feather pillow. I A hair pillow oovered with cool linen, is 1 one of the best baby-comforters ever dej vised. It will make all the difference in } th© world between a "good" and « "bad" . baby* :