FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2695, 8 November 1905, Page 67

FUN AND FANCY.

— Silea.-e is golden, says the philosopher, but any great judge will tell you that in his experience silence is often guilt. —TV hen a man wants money, or assistaice, the world, as a rule, is very obliging and indulgent, and— lets him want it. — Better. — Smith: "Jones, I'm going to marry and settle down." Jones: "Humph! You'd better remain single, and settle up." — Sure Proof.— Robert : "Do you behove that big ears are a sign of generosity?'' Richard: "Yes; the generosity of Nature. — A fly can make 600 strokes a second with its wings, but it prefers to k>al about on the bald man's head and tickle him. — Guest: "Why do you believe in second sight, major?" Major (in an impressive whisper) : ' "Because I tell in love at first sieht.'' — Landlady: "Some of my boarders have lxen with me for year&." Now Boarder: "Haven't the strength to leave, I suppose?" — There are a lot of men trying to make two blades of grass grow where only one giew before, but there are lots more trying to make one blade of hair grow where more grew before. —Mr Goodenough : I have so much trouble with the pronunciation of my name; it is properly pronounced Good-no, you know." She (shyly): " les, but it is Good-enough for me." — Madge: "Did Charlie propose to you in the motor-car?" Dolly: "I thought he was going to, but he d.dn't. When he got down on, his knees it wa;- only to crawl under the old machine." — Mrs Wilden stumbled on his wife s train, and growled out, "I believe your skirt is eight feet long !" "Oh. no," cooed Mrs Wilden sweetly, "it is only six. my dear ! The other two are yours !" — Alice (an amateur vocalist): 'If you had my voioe, what would you do with it?" Jessie: "I don't know, dear; but I believe 1 would grve it a holiday till the man came round, then 1 would have it tuned." "It is a great cbmtort to have a child about the house," said the man of domestic tastes. "Yes," answered the unfeeling wretch; "when company comes that don't care for you can make it recite." — The Editor: "What have you written about the death of that bright young Jenkins?" The Irish Reporter: "Something nate, sir, windin' up with these words^ 'He letv^s a brilliant future behind him. — "Mr Buggins," said the attending physician gravely, "I am afraid your wife's mind is gone." "Well, I'm not surprised, replied Mr B. "She's been giving me a piece of it every day for 23 ycM's, and she didn't have a wonderful lot to, start on. — Unnecessary.— lrritated Frenchman (to tourist who lias mistaken him for a waiter) : "Sir-r, you- haf gr-rossly insulted me. There is my card. My seconds vili vaifr upon you, sir-r-r." Tourist: "Never mind your- seconds. You can wait on me just as. well. - Pass me tho- sauce, and be quick about it." — "How .old was the wail that fell on me?" stud the Irishman to the policeman who was carrying^ him on the , ambulance to 'the hospital. ,/'Oh, I should say about 80 years," answered 'the policeman. "Just my luck,' 'aid Pat. "I only arrived fiom Ireland yesterday, and its waited ell that time for me." Jukes: "Who was the best man at the wedding?" Jenkins: "Well, I'm not sure. The bride's father got all the bills to pay, the bridegroom had to buy diamond brooches for the bridesmaids, the guests had to give handsome presents; Upon my word, I think the best man was the clergyman — he was the only one who made anything out of it."

—In a North of England college a student greatly annoyed the professor of natural sciences by asking frequent and foolish questions. One day, after he had interrupted the lecturer several times with irrelevant remarks and questions, he asked: "Professor, how long can an animal live without brains?" "Well." was the professor's reply, "I really don't know, Mr F . How old are you?"

— A young Irish lad on a market day in an Irish town was minding an ass attached to a cart, awaiting the exit of his parent from a business establishment. His arm was thrown around the neck of the animal, when two recruiting sergeants passed by. One of them, seeking to take a rise out of the youth, said: "What are you hugging your brother so tightly for?" " 'Cause," was the ready rejoinder, "I was afraid he'd "list!"

—He was an ingenious young man ; she was a simple' maiden. "Let us," he said, "pretend that you are South Africa and I am "England." ' "Oh! I don't like these geographical, games," she objected. "They require so -much thinking." "But this does not require any thinking at all," be insisted. "How do you play it?" she asked. "Why, I simply annex you," he answered. "It's not such a bad game, after all," she admitted after a while. — A lady at a recent dinner-party illustrated admirably a point which she wished to make in reply to a man who had said ''women are vainer than men." "Of course," said the lady, "I admit that women are vain and men are .not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back of his collar." There were six men present, pnd each of them put his hand gently behind his neck! —An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotchman once met in a tavern over a bottle of beer. They began to talk about various subjects, when the conversation turned on "the wit of the Irish," and a wager was laid for whoever could give the best joke. The Englishman and Scotchman gave their jokes, which the Irishman answered. Then his turn came, when he quietly asked: "What is the only rock that grows?" "Absurd I" cried his hearers. "Not at all !" cried the Irishman. "Then you give it up? Well, the shamrock!" — A benevolent-looking old gentleman, was grieved to see a. Liverpool street arab make a sudden dive into the gutter, pick up the lighted stump of a oigar which had just been thrown away, and begin to puff away. "Throw away .that stump, my little man," said the old gentleman. _ The "little man" appeared at first surprised. Then pity came into his eyes, and he replied : "Ah, yes, I see. I know wot it is ter be down on my luck ! I'm right sorry for yer, but I stick to this stump ! I seed it fust." And the "little- mau" moved away in a cloud of smoko,