EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2669, 10 May 1905, Page 77

EDITOR'S WALLET.

Mirandj's Recipe for Happiness.

I By Dobotht Dix. "What's this tale I hears 'bout a man whut's offering a lOOOdol reward for a man whut is satisfied with his wife?" demanded Mirandy of me. "Oh!" I explained, an old bachelor who believes thait marriage is a failure is offering to give that amount of money to any man that can prove that he is happy, though married." "The laud's sake !" exclaimed Mirandy, "they sholy is gettin' suspicious in these days. It's time enough for a man to find out that he is marked Ifor trouble when he gets married after the wedding, 'stead of going into matermony with his eye peeled for danger." "That's right," I agreed. "But, say, Miss Do'thy," she went on, "what I wants to know is if a short, fat, humped-sihoulder niggerman, what's had a glory ticket for thirty years, has got a chansfc at that money?" | "Nothing was said in the offer about ! race ; or colour, or previous condition of ! servitude," I replied. "Well," she declared, "I'm gwine right home and enter Ike for 'bha* lOOOdol. Yessum, Ike's a shinin' example of a man whut's married and happy — leastways if be ain't happy he's 'fraid to say it. They ain't no argufying in our house, 'case I'se got the floor when it comes to talkin', and I keeps it. "Shoo! They ain't no trouble in gettin' along with a man, and keepin' him cam and satisfied. Husbands comes in different lengths, and different widths and colours, but they're all cut off the same piece of goods, and they's one rule you can wuk 'em by. "You have go* to feed 'em, and soft soap 'em, and boss 'em. "Naw'm, I ain't got no opinion of a woman whut can't manage a husband, 'case it's just as easy as fallin' off a log. "Now when me and Ike got married, Ike was a fine young buck whut was a Jim Dandy, and the way he could cut the pigeon wing and shake his foot in a dance was a caution. He sutinly was a personable man, with a figger that was as ■slim »nd straight as a telefoam post, and X ain't blamin' the gals for outtin' their eyes at him. "Now, - how you reckon 1 stopped all that foolishness? You reckon I sets down and weeps and moans and laments 'bout him runnin' around of nights? Naw'm, I jest ups and fattens him. Yessum, I jest knocked dat fine figure into the middle of next week, and turned it into what looked like a beer barrel on skids. And that done it. "Yessum, I sxire 7 y did take temptation out of that nigger's way. After a man has been uj against a chicken dinner with fixings he ain't got no call to do what Brer Jenkins calls tripping the light fantastic toe, or hunt up any fun whwfc's outedde of the home limits. All he wants to do is to shuffle over to a cheer in the chim-

ney corner and smoke his pipe. Naw'm, they ain't no- way to keep a man home of an evening like fillin' him up so full that he's got too stuffed to get out. Besides, they ain't nothin' that stops fiirtatiousness like fat. You don't see no women glancin' over their shoulders at the gentleman with bay windows. "Den I ain't never been sparin' of the soft soap with Ike. A man's got to have it, and if his wi'Ee won't give it to him some other woman will. That's the way I look at it, and as long as I want Ike to bring me home his pay envelope on Saturday- night I got to run the axle grease factory, and, moreover, I got to hand out a brand of the goods that will make their soft talk sound like they didn't appreciate him, or know a good thing when they caw it. "When May Jane Jones tells him that he sho' has got a proud walk, I 'spons that he sutinly does perambulate like a prince. When Elviry -Smith fetches him a oompliment about his clothes lookin' like a, dude, I prognosticates that ii/e the figger of the man, and not the clothes, and that Ike can make any kind of a hand-me-down suit look like it jest walkedout of the tailoi shop. Yessum, I sho' does put on the soft soap with a heavy hand. "And there's one more thing that's funny about men. They's like ehillen. If you want 'em to love you, you've got to boss "-'em. D'ye ever see a henpecked husband that wasn't plumb 2razy" about the hen that peeked him? "Now, when me and Ike was spliced I was so set up about catchin' him that I was ready to break my neck, but the harder I tried the worse I failed. If I stayed afc home and cooked and scrubbed he wanted to know why I didn't dress myself up and go 'round like Sam Perkins's and Dick Brown's wives did? And when I put on my good clothes and went a-visiting he lambasted me for gadding the streets 'stead of staying home and attending to my business. When I laughed he knocked mo for being too gay, and when I didn't laugh he raked me over the coals for sulking. "At" last I see that I couldn't please him anyway, and then I put the shoe on the other foot and lefc him take his turn at trying to please ne, and he's been so much on the jump about that over since that he ain't never had time- to find out whether I pleased him or not. "And then I ain't hid my light under a bushel. I don© told him what a good wife I was, and how lucky be was to get me, till he done believe it. "Yessum, it ain't no trouble to manage I a man — if you know how. "And sometimes it's worth the trouble."