FUN AND FANCY,

Otago Witness, Issue 2668, 3 May 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY,

■—"Which animal is satisfied with the leasb femount of nourishment?" — "The moth. It only eats holes." — Tit for Tat. — "How did their marriage turn out?" — "As usual. Each succeeded in disappointing the family of the other." — "That woman over there laughs like it man." — "Yes ; it's & wonder the grand jury doesn't fndict her." — "What for?" — '"Why, for mans-laughter !" — Father: "Well, my son, did you succeed in breaking-in the new horses so that they would stand the noise of the motor bike?* Son: "No, father, but I broke the carriage." — Fuddy: "Really, now, I suppose the average fisherman is the prince of prevaricators." Duddy: "Perhaps so; but you forget the man with a smart baby in the house." — "So Silas wa s charged with having seven ■wives. Was the judge severe on him? — "Awful! He discharged him. All seven of ' his wives were waitin' f ci him in t j corridor." . — "I haven't seen your cashier for several days." — "No; he's gone out of town. — "Gone for- arrest, I suppose?"— "We haven t found out yet whether he's gone for a rest or to escaue-it." , ■ • - - > —"Why has M Flipkins disappeared from society "—"Lost his money," answered Miss Cayenne. "It is impossible to be' a. lion- in society and a lamb on the Stock Exchange at once." — Alice': "Ethel says she really doesnt know -whether he will propose or not. Jack: "Just like a novel, isn't it? ' Alice: "Yes ; but in a novel you could turn to the last chapter and find out." - — "The snow is lying pretty deep out this way," remarked the visitor from the city. "Yes," replied the intelligent farmer ; but not as desp as" the oldest inhabitant is lying about oldtime snowstorms." — "It -used to please me," said Olden, "to have the barber ask me if I wanted , a shave when I was a youngster." — "Yes. — "Yes. And now he- sometimes flatters me by asking me if I want a haircut." — First Passenger (promenading on the deck of a- liner in mid-ocean, to Second Pas. senger, leaning disconsolately against the rail) : "Have you dined?" Second Passenger (dejectedly) : "On the contrary." Mamma: "Fighting again,- Willie! Didn't, l tell— you to stop and count one hundred whenever you were angry? •Willie: "But it didn't do any good, ma. liook what he did while 1 counted!" — ''Consider ths porous plaster, my son, remarked the philosopher, "and don't get discouraged. Everybody turns his back on it, ye* it hangs on, and eventually achieves success by close application." — Clergyman (who has been delivering "addresses on "The World, the Flesh, and the- Devil") : "The week before last we took the world, last week we finished the flesh, and now we will go to the devil." " "I. assure you/ madam," said the man who was taking -the lodgings* "that I never left apartments yet but my landlady shed tears. "— "In that case, sir," said the practical landlady, "I must insist on payment in advaaoe."

•— Husband (vituperative! y) : '"I was an' idict when I married you, Mary." Wife (quietly) : "Yes, Tom, I know you were. But what could I do? "You seemed my only chance, and I thought then you might improve a little with time." — Speaker; "I defy anyone in this audience to mention an action that II can perform with my right hand that I cannot do equally well with my leffc" Voice from the Gallery: "Put yer left hand in yer right-hand trousers pocket."' — A school inspector once asked a class of children if any of them could tell what an epidemic was.-» No answer. "Well, • let me prompt yeu. An epidemic is anything' that spreads. Now, what's an epidemic?" "Jam, sir," replied a boy promptly. v — "Allow me, Mr Bifkins," said the hostess to a late arrival, "to introduce Captain de Jones, a man who has faced death in a score of battles." "Pleased to meet you, captain." said Bifkins. "By the way, are you a military or football captain?" — "Well, what. can I do for you?" asked the old doctor of a patient with a poor reputation f^r paying. "I called to see you about my utter loss vof memory," replied the man. " "Ah — yes — cr — why, of course ; but in cases of this kind, you know, I require my fee in advance." - — After a recent banquet, at which a number of professional men had made speeches/ Brown said to his neighbour, "Jones is quite a star as an after-dinner speaker, isn't he?" "Star?" retorted the other; "he's a regular moon — lie becomes brighter the fuller he gets !" "Ah," said Mrs Oldcastle, "I had your husband- hors de combat last night." '"Did you?" replied Mrs Paekenham. "He told m.3 that he 'was goin to the automobile show, but Josiah always did have a soft spot for horses. " You know he go.t his start in life runnin' a dray."

— "Oh, yes," said Mrs Oldcastle, "I used to have the Schumann Etudes Symphojiiques, the Chopin Berc&use md Barcarolle, and the Hungarian Rhapsody No. 12 all at my fingers' ends." "My goodness," replied her hostess, .^'how did you ever stand it? The worst I ever had was a felon one time on my left' thumb." — Tho following colloquy wa recently overheard: Police Officer (rather pompously to shopkeeper) : "What has become of your son who used to loiter about here all day?" Shopkeeper: "He has gone away." Police Officer: "He wasn't very fond of hard work, was he ?" Shopkeeper : "No; he said he iiked * lazy life— that's why be went and joined the police force-." — A Glasgow undergraduate had preached a sermon in the College chapel, which was commended afterwards by all the- faculty except Professor Buchanan, the Professorof IJogie, who broke in with the objection, "Oh, don't say that. There was a sad •want in our youtfg friend's sermon. He said a great deal about how Jouah felt. I should have liked to hear something about how tli® whale felt." — While Hans Yon Bulow was leading the orchestra at Hanover a peculiar noise pervaded 1 the theatre. At first he thought it resembled the flutter of wings ; but soon lie discovered a lady fanning herself in one of the boxes cloEe by. Bulow fixed his eyes on the offender in a manner which meant reproof. The lady, not heeding thus, was suddenly surprised by the conductor dropping his stick and turning towards her. "Madame," he cried, "if fan you must, please at least keep time with your infernal nuisance I"