FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2667, 26 April 1905, Page 60

FUN AND FANCY.

— Ladies make poor silent partners. — The average fish bone is easier to swallow than the average fish story. — A woman can test a mans patience by asking him to try to thread a needle. —"I feel for you deeply. said the hungry man, probing about in tho soupbowl for a stray oyster. It would be a much moro piogressive world if we economised the time we gi\ o to other people s business. —If a married man dreams he s a bachelor, it's a dead l -sure sign that he will meet with a disappointment when he wakes up. — Mistress: "If you want eggs to keep they must be laid in a cool place." Bridget: "Oi'll mintion it to the hens at wanst, mum." , — Caller : "What's your name, little girl ( Little Girl: "Dorothy."— "But what's your last name?" — '"I don't know what it will be ; I'm not married yet." — Wife: "I'm sorry to see you come home in such a state at this. Charles." Husband : ""I knew you'd be sorry, Carrie, and that's why I told you not to- &it up." — "What's happened. Has somebody left you a fortune?"— " No. I've just been up to have a tooth drawn, but a notice on tha door says the dentist is ill in bod!" — Caller: "And this is the new baby?" Fond Mother: "Isn't he splendid?" Caller: "Yes, indeed.". Fond Mother: "And so bright. See- how intelligently he breathes." — Tomson : "The doctor said I could have ono glass of beer a day." Johnson: "And you are obeying orders?" Tonison : ''Yes, But I'm. five weeks ahead of my allowance."

— A,. Youthful Pessimist.— "Who can tell me the meaning of leisure?"' asked a teacher. "Please, miss, it's a place where married people repent," replied an infant novel reader.

— The Visitor: "Your cook is perfection itself. How do you manage her?" The Hostess: "Easily. "We learn what dishes she likes best herself, and then we have those only." — "I manage to keep my boarders longer than you do," said the first landlady. "Oh, I don't know," rejoined the other. "You keep them no thin that they look longer than they really are." — Young Wife (at a ball) : ''You are improving wonderfully as a dancer. - Don't you remember how you used to tear my dresses?" Young Husband : "Y-e-s ; I wasn't buying them then." — "If it were cvs binary in this countiy to confer titles upon men who go in for literature, what should I be?" asked a conceited journalist of his editor. "Baron of Icteas," was the terse reply.

— Mrs Motherly: "Why is it. George, thai; yon hare never thought; seriously of getting married " George: '""You misunderstand me, Mrs Motherly. I have always thought of it so seriously that I am still a bachelor."

— Tom: "If you went on to Westminster Bridge, pulled up a paving-stone, and so-ned inisjiionetle ?«ed, what would lOßie up?'' Dick: ".Mignonette?" Harry: "A paving-fii-one?"' Tom: '"Both wrong; a policeman, of course."

— Fond Mother : "Yes, sir ; I have a little feUow who is only ten. and yet he writes beautiful poetry." Old Editor: "Well, there's some hope for '-em when you catch ~cm yoiixig y ytrvi can wliip it oxit of *-em easier then :'"

— Concealed Greatness. — Swish: "It's strange we often hear of the self-made man, but never of the .«elf-made woman. ' Swash : "That's- true; but it's probably when a woman is self-made she doesn't want anyone to know it."

—'1 thought you v.-oro well acquainted with Bluffer." said she. "No. indeed." replied he: ;; TT — aw — only associate \sith my equals, and "' "Really?" said she, sweetly. "I'm sorry; I think you should have some ambition."

— "You'll have to be very careful of that boy of yours, Mrs O'Brien. He's got a very nasty disposition." — "Thrue. for ye. sor. But Oi've got a way of curin' him of that same." — "How will you do it?" — "Oi've got him a situation as a iellygraf hoy, yer 'aimar."

— "This," said the school friend, who had not seen her for a year — "this is the girl- who vowed to me that she never would belong to any man, eh?" "I don't." said she who had been married the matter of some few months; "he belongs to me!"

— The Intelligent Mule. — '"Valuable mule that," said the Billvill© citizen to the prospective purchaser. "Saved my life once." .-^"lndeed? How was that?" — "Saw a flash of lightning making straight for me, an' kicked it all to pieces 'fore it could land !" — She : "Oh, Henry, I had such a dreadful dream last night. I' dreamed I saw your first wife sitting on your lap, and you smiling upon her.' He: "That's the oddest dream I ever heard of." — "How. dear?" — "Why. she weighed eighteen stone."

—An individual recently weave into a chemist's shop and asked for morphine. The chemist objected to dispensing without a prescription. "Why?" asked the customer. "Do I look like a man who -would kill himself?' "I don't know," said the chemist. "If I looked like you I should be tempted."

— "Do you enjoy your wife's teas and receptions?" — "No," answered the martyr; "to be candid, I do not. I can't help harbouring a suspicion that if I didn't happen to be her husband my wife wouldn't consider me of sufficient social consequence to be invited."

— Doctor (to Gilbert, aged four): "Put your tongue out, dear.' Little Gilbert protruded the tip of his tongue. Doctor : "No, no. put it right out " The- little fellow shook his head 1 weakly, and the tears gathered in his eyes. '"I can't, doctor; it's fastened on to mo."

— Mistress (to nurse girl): "I hear that you are seen quite often speaking to the policemeu in the park. I cannot allowthat." Artful Maid: "I can't help it. ma'am. All (ho policemen in the park admire the baby so much — th-oy will stop the perambulator to speak to him. They all say that he's the prettiest baby that comes into the park."

— A one-legged Yankee orator, concluding to have some fun at the expense of an Irishman in his audience, made him the object of a numboi of sallies. The Irishman endured these as long as he could. During a lull in the fun, he asked the speaker how he came to lo»c> his leg. "Well," said the Yankee, winking at the rerat of his hearers, "I will tell you. I was told I had some Irish blood in me, and. concluding it had all settled in my leg, 1 immediately had it cut off." The Irishman looked at him for a few second-, and then answered, "It's a murtherin* pity it hadn't settled in your head.'*