FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2666, 19 April 1905, Page 67

FUN AND FANCY.

— The neighbourly feeling we hear so much about is usually one of curiosity and envy. — Dolly: "The seoond time I saw him I was engaged to him." Daisy:. "What caused the delay';" — A little boy, aged four and a-half years, got tired at his prayers one night, and finished with: "Please, God, just bless everybody 'cep' the devil." — Small Boy : "Uncle, do you understand the rule of three?" Unole : "Perfectly, my boy. I live with my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my wife." There is always room at the top, young man, , As you'll fin/i if you ever get there ; i Keep on till yoh. stop, there is room at the top Of a bald-headed man for hair. ** — Doler : "Are you troubled with tho toothache?" Moler (in agony) : "Great Cossar ! did you ever know a person to have the toothache without being troubled with it?" — Uncle Harry: "Well, Johnnie, and how did you like the ride on Uncle Harry's knee?" Johnnie: '"Oh, it was very nice; but I had a ride on a real donkey yesterday." — Mrs Holder: "Why, John, why aren't you reading your evening paper?" Mr Holder: "On account of my conscience. I found an umbrella to-day, and I'm afraid I'll see it advertised." — Very Hard. — "You?" she exclaimed contemptuously. "Marry you? Why, you're only an apology for a man." "But," protested he, "will you not " "No, I will not accept the apology." ' I — Old Gentleman : "I'm afraid this place doesn't agree with me ; I've scarcely eaten anything since I've been here." Polite Youth: "Well, that's all right — you came for a rest, didn't you?" —It is beautiful to behold at a wedding tlio sorrow-stricken air of the parent as he •'gives the bride away," when -we know that for the last 10 years he has been trying to get her eff his hands. — Young Mistress (severely, to new parlourmaid) : "Mary, don't you know that you ought always to hand me notes upon a salver?" Maid.- "Oh, yes, ma'am, I knew, tut I wasn't sure that you did." — "Did you ever notice that almost all these misers reported in the papers are Single men?" asked Mr Watts. "Yes," answered Mrs Watts, "married misers are too common to be worth mentioning." — "Your kisses do not seem to have the same spirit about them they had once," complained young Mrs Fitts. "Of course not." said Mr Fitts. "You could not expect them to since I took the pledge." — Doubtful Honour.— Little Willie: "Say, pa, what is an empty title?" Pa: "An -empty title, my son?- is your mother's •way of refe.rrinjr to me as the head of thp house when there are visitors present." — Mrs Fondniar: "Doctor, my daughter sits and , gazes into that 'mirror for hours at a time. I can't get her to take exercise." Dr Bruff: ir Well, I prescribe another mirror at the other end of the room." — Good Day to Catch Them. — Hicks: "How do you happen to be going fishing on Friday? I thought you believed Friday was an unlucky day?" Wicks: "Well. I always have, but it occurred to me this morning thai? perhaps it would be unlucky for the fish." ■ — Modem JVlaid : "I wish for some advice." Old Lady : "Certainly, mv dear. What is it?" Modern Maid: "Shall I marry a man whose tastes are the opposite of mine, and quarrel with him, or shall I marry a man whose tastes are the same as mine, and get tired of him?" — " Mr Bluffly," she said, graciously, "you are one of the most original men I have met for ever so long. You haven't said a single word about the weather." "No," he replied, with a tinge of regret in his voice. "I couldn't give my opinion of the weather in the presence of ladies." — Hubby, dear, I can't wait to tell what I'm going to buy you ! I'm eroing to get a silver card-tray, a bronze Hercules for the mantelpiece, and a new Persian rug . to put in front of my dressing table. What are you going to do for me, Tootsey?" — "I've made up my mind to get you a new shaving brush." — Jones. who had recently married Smith's widow, hastily opened a note which lay on the breakfast table, without looking at the address. To his discomfiture he found a circular from a firm of n:onumental masons, enclosing a drawing of a tombstone with the inscription, "To the memory of my beloved .husband, whom I can never- replase." —Ac Ayrshire farmar of the Maughline district was a_ slave to sniiffing. He was a wcrthyman in the best sense of the term, buf he scandalised the minister by incessant snuffing during the sermon. "Man, Mungo," said his reverence to his elder one day, "can naething be- done to pit a *tdp tae yer nesty habit?" Mungo (grimly, . taking a pinch) : "Weel. minister, possibly theeris: try tae pit mair snuff inta your sermons 1"" : ' '■ —A. parrot escaped from its cage and > s= ttled on tho roof of a labourer* cottage-. The labourer had never seen, such a thing before, and climbed up with a view of securing" it. - When his head reached the level of the top of the roof,- the bird flapped! j £. wing at him, and said : "What d'ye want?" Very "much taken back, the la- j bourer politely touched his cap, and re-- ' plied: "I beg your" pardon, sir; I thought! you were a bird !" ! — Evils of Education. — Bill Hodd had , just finished chastising his son. "Wot's 'c been Tip to?" inquired a neighbom\ " It's j like this 'ere," said the honest Bill ; "jest as I'm. a sittin' down to my tea in comes j this kid with a micryscope 'is teacher 'ad lent _'im. "Alf a nao', feyther,' ses the kid: ' lernme show yer the wonders o' the | micryscope.' 'E puts it over me bit o' j cheese, and. bless me, if it weren't all acrawlin' wi' microbes. I'll never be able ( fro eat Cheese agen, an' me so fond of it from me wery birth. Cuss eddication. ses I. if they teaches kids to disgust their parients wi' their meals." j — One day, a& Pat halted at the top of the river bank, a man, famous for his t inquisitive niind, stopped and asked f "How! long have you hauled water for the vil- [ l&je, niv good man?" — "Tin years, sor." — J "All ! How many loads do you take in a ' <2av?" — "From, tin to fifteen, sor."— "Ah, j yes f Now I have a probem for you. Hotv much water at this rat<* have you , hauled in all, fcir " The driver of the ' watering cart jerked his thumb backward toward the river and replied. "All the . tyather rez don't see there now, sor." 1