FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2663, 29 March 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Going to tun over a new leaf this year, old man?" — "No. I always wait for autiunn to turn 'era.''

— "Pa, they tell us about the angry ocean. What makes the ocean ;ingry'" — "Oh, it has been cros-.ed so often."

— "He has quitw a delicate wit, I've heard." — "I wouldn't say 'delicate,' exactly. 'Sickly' is the proper word."

— Wayworn Watson : ' 'Mister. I a m Blowly starving." Hargreaves : "Of course. No one would expert you to do anything in a. hurry." — "Cheer up," said the minister; "you'll see your three wives in heaven.'" — "Parson," gasped the maa, "that's just what's a-botheriair me."

— Back "to the Soil.— At an agricultural dinner' the following toast was given: "The game of fortune! Shuffle the cards as jou will, spades must win/ — "Maud, that little boy next door swears like a trooper. I hope you don't play with tim." — "No, mother; not now. He"s taught me all he knew." — Sisters, Before the Ball. — Pierclte : "This glass is bet f er, Rose ; I can see myself here beautifully !" Pompadour (seizing her opportunity) : "Plainly, I suppose you mean?"

— "Well," said Snaggs, "I think many dogs have more sense than their masters." "Yes," chimed in Oraggs ; "I have a oo<? like that myself." And yet he eouidn't make- out why they laughed.

Gertrude (the big sister) : "Maud, Ido •wish you'd stop your chattel ing to that dog. Can't you s-ee I'm talking to Mr J/ovedale? 5 ' Maud (aggrieved): "Well. I've, dot a right to talk to my puppy .too."

— A Tipperary man hailod a fellowlabourer with: "Sto ye've got a baby at yer house. What is it— a boy or a girl?" "Gtiess." — "It's a boy." — "Xo." — '"Weil, then, it's a girl." — "Faith," said the delighted father, "somebody's bin telling ye!"

— Papa: "Tour mother tells me you haven't teen a very good boy to-day, Johnny.*' "Between us. pa, I think she's a little prejudiced against me. It was only the other day she told Aunt Kate I was just like you."

— Little Boy: "What's all these women here for?" Little Girl: '• They've been upstairs to see the baby." Little Boy: "I3abies is plenty 'nough." Littlo Girl: "Yes, but this is a new one, an' I expect they wants to see the latest fashion."

— Fond Mamma. — '"Yes, my darling; those little boys next clooi have no fa* her or mother, and. no kind Aunt .Jane. Wouldn't you like to give them something?" Archie (with great enthusiasm) : "Oh, yes, mamma. Let's give them Aun f , Jane."

— Cook : "Here's some eels, mum, that the bye has just brought. Fwat shall I do wid 'em to kill 'em?" Mistress (utterly •unpractical) : "Oh, the poor things ! Why. they must be alive! Tell Thomas to get a bucket of water and drown them. I've heard that drowning causes less /Suffering tlan any other way of killing."

— "George," sfid she. in a low voice, "would you. make a sacrifice for my happiness?" "Certainly," he replied. "Would you give up smoking for my sake?" "Give up smoking for your sake !" he replied. Then, after a silence, he exclaimed hoarsely, "I can refuse you nothing-. I will do so. Hereafter, when I smoke" it will be for my own sake."

— Somebody Did. — The bride and bridegroom sat side by side. "Dearest !" he said, looking up into her eyes "Yes, love !" she responded in soft, frightenedmouse tones. "If I had known that tunnel was so long, I would have kissed you." "Didn't you kiss me?" she asked, in great surprise. "No," he replied. "Well, sonicbody did !"

— First Girl : "Have .yon heard what's happened to Dorothy Dawkins?'' Second! Girl: "No; what is it?" First Girl: "Well. she's jilted Willie Harrison, you know, and she told him to send back all her presents. Well, he sent them all back, including a box of face powder, along- with a note Baying he must have carried away more than that on his coat sleeves."

— A Broad Hint. — The Barber (lathering customer and grazing out of window) : " I tell you, sir, the man who shaves himself keeps the bread and butter out of some poor barber's mouth." The Customer (fiercely) : "And the lather out of his own !''

— Miss Smart: "Cho-lly. why are you like a lighthouse?*' Cholly: "Miss Smart, you flatter me. Is it because I am so brilliant?" Miss Smart: "Kb; but because you're light in the upper storey."

— Tfc is told of a well-known actor-manager that on. cue occasion, when he was both very busy -and "very tired, an aspiring playwright approached him ■with the rnanueeript of a new play. The actor took ir, glanced through it, read a page here and there, and then handed it back. "T do not think," ?aid the aniiitious writer, "that you should dispose of my ideas in this summary fashiou. That play cost me a year's hard labour." "Indeed !" said the actormanager. "My dear fellow, an impartial judge would give you at least ten."

— A tramp, dirty and ragged to the last degree, called at a house on the door of ivhich was a doctor's sign. A large, rather rcasculiiie-looking woman opened the door. " 'Souse- me, lady." said the tramp, "but I just called to ask if the doctor had any old clothes he'd let me have. ~ You see. I'm bad off for all kind o' clothes, an' I'd ■be much obliged for anything the doctor could let me have, an' I ain't pertickler as to the fit." The woman smiled and made reply: "I am the doctor!" "Sufferin* Moses!" ejaculated the tramp, as he made a beeline for the gate. — Pat's Love-letier.— "O Molly! my jewel, my father's so cruel, he won't let me marry the girl, I adore; he Fays you've no posh, love, but that's all bosh, love : 3. know that you're got a few guineas in. etore. He calls me a fool, love, now that's very cool, love! and' says a shillelagh would benefit me. The heart of the cratur, as ihard as a tatur, won't soften a bit, I the truth tell to -thee. _ If he longer doth tease me, I'll bolt, devil seize me ! He's worse than the hog that he feeds in the sty ! But don't despair, Molly, but always be jolly, your Patrick will stand by your side till you die. Believe me, I yearn, love, to fiear by return, love, and pleaee send five shillings some whisky to get, my spirits to ieep up, while blessings I'll heap up for one lam sure I can never forget. I hope you won't tarry, but soon your Pat marry; the devil a bit will I single remain, ©o no more at present, from Tumbledown Crescent, where dwtells your affectionate Patrick Delays.'*