FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2661, 15 March 1905, Page 66

FUN AND FANCY.

— Husband (after the quarrel): "Well, I must say that ali 'fools are not dead yet !" Wife (affectionately): "I'm glad of it, dear. I never look well h"> black." — Nell: "You seem perfectly satisfied with your new gown." Belle: "Yes; it has been approved by the man I like best, and condemned by the woman I hat© most," — Cholly : "D'ye know, Miss Pepper, I deahly love horses!" Miss Pepper: "I imagined so when J ■saw how you hugged the neck of the one you were riding yesterday." Little grains of powder, Little cllabs of paint. Make r girl's complexion Look like what it ain't. — "It was my ambition that egged me on," said, the- would-be actor. "Yes," rejoined the hard-headed critic; "but I understand it was the audience that egged you off." — The woman at the Zco who mistook the hyena's laugh for that of her son, and slapped the latter for his hilarity, is more to be pitied than censured. Hers must be a quiet little home. — The Mistress: "What is your name?*' Cook: "Mrs Jenkins." Tho Mistress: "Do you expect to be called Mrs Jenkins?" Cook: "Oh, no, ma'am, not if you have an alarm clock.*' — Ethel : "Who was that man you just bowed to?" Penelope: "That was Dobson, the great composer." Ethel: "A composer, did you say?" Penelope : "He manufactures soothing 1 syrup." — The Pessimist: "What is the use of struggling-? We are all destined to meet our Waterloo some day." The Optimist: "When I meet my Waterloo, my name is going to be Wellington." — A London cabman was recently having his first-born baby christened. Clergyman : "What name shall I give this child?" Cabby (through sheer force of habit) : "Oh, I'll leave that to you. sir." --Mamma: "Fighting again, Willie? Didn't I tell you to stop and count a hundred whenever you were angry?"' Willie: "But it didn't do any good, ma. Look what ths Jones boy did while I counted !" —Mr Plane (who is fond of does): "Miss Waite, don't you think you ought to have an intelligent animal about the house that would proect you, and " Miss Waite: "Oh, Mr Plane! This is so sudden." — "Oh, you needn't taJk," said the indignant wife. "What would you be to-day if it were not for my money? Answer that, will you? ' "That's an easy one," replied the heartless wretch — "I'd be a bachelor.'' — "How often," said the philosopher, "a man is reminded of his own littleness in this great world !" "Yes," answered Mr Cumrox, "especially if he- has three daughters who have been to a boarding school." » — Mrs Lowerten : "Is Mrs Upperten at home?" Servant (snappishly) : "She's out." Mrs Lowerten (quietly) : "I happen to know that she is in, butcher directions to you are quite excusable. She probably thinks that I am a bill-collector." — Girlie : "I made the salad myself, Hughie. Is it nice '!' ' Hughie : "The dressing seems — urn — a bit dicky, Girlie." Girlie: "Well, there was no proper vinegar, and I put in raspberry vinegar instead ; but it wouldn't he that dear, would it?" — The bystander was greatly interested in the tinkering about the motor. "The automobile is here to stay," he sa-gcly observed. "It seems like it," responded the man with the goggles, savagely wielding his wrench ; "this one doesn't appear to be here to So." — She : '" I'm glad we went. It was an excellent performance — and for stioh a charitable purpose."' Her husband: "Yes, indeed I We all feel a thrill of .satisfaction when we do something for charity and get the worth of our money at the same time." — A rich, but ignorant lady, who was rather ambitious in her conversational style, in speaking of a friend, said. "He is a paragram of politeness." "Excuse me," said a wag sitting- next to her, "bufc do you not mean a parallelogram?" "Of course, I do !" immediately replied the lady : "how could I have made such a mistake?" — A teacher in a school at Stepney East London, was giving her class an examination on th-3 Scriptural work of the previous three months. Amongst other questions, the lady asked : "With what weapon did Sampson slay the thousand Philistines?" And one girl, evidently jumbling up her Old and New Testament knowledge together, stood up, and replied : "With the axe of the Apostles." — A lady whilst going cbownstair? to dinner had the misfortune to step slightly on the dress of a lady in front cf her. The man on whose arm the former was leaning rudely said r.loud, so that the couple in front might hear: "Always getting: in the way, like Balaam's ass !" Upon which the lady whose gown had been trodden on, turning round, replied with a sweet smile: "Pardon me, it was the angel who stood in the way and the ass which spoke." — Not long since a youthful wheelman, of a mean sTamp had a good tea at a "Cyclist's Rest," but when the bill was presented to him hp protested that it waa excessive, and, handing one and a ->enny to the waitress, intimated, ''I have taken, off fivepence " Five minutes later the energetic female who owned the "Rest" bounced up to tho stingy one, and announced : "And I've taken the lantern off your bicycle. Pay me my eighteeupence or you rides 'ome in the dark." The mean one promptly paid. — Young Mrs Vinton looked over the fence that separates her back yard from. Mis Hardy's. and her pretty face was troubled. "Mrs Hardy !" she called, softr>. "Yes: what is it?" and j-Virs Hardy's malionly figure appeared in her kitchen, door. "I'm so sorry to trouble you," Mra Vinton went on, "but will you tell me some good way to cook clay pigeons? Jimmy has jut."-, sent me word that he 'a going to shoot some, and 1 haven't the remotest idea how to prepare them." — A well-known artist was once engaged upon, a sacred picture. A very handsome old model named Smith sat for the head; of St. Mark, but when the picture waa finished he was lost sight of. One day, however, the artist;, wandering about the Zoological Gardens, came upon his pI(J model with a broom in his hand, looking very disconsolate. "Hallo. Smith !" said) he, "you don't look very cheery! ( "What" are you doing now?" "Well, I ain't doin£iuuel?, sir, and that's a fact. I'm engaged in these 'ere gardens a-elearin' hout thd helephants' stables — a nice occupation foe ofte a t&g 1§ apostje^ a'n/t it, sir.2'-