FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2651, 4 January 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— "Will the cashier be away long?"— "It depends upon the jury!" j — '■ "Whafc are the holes for in that porous plaster?"— " Why, to let the pain out, ot , course!" — "Why do you call your new horse War Correspondent?" — "Well, he's very expensive, arid never at the front!" — "That Miss Beverley, to whom I bowed , just 1 now, is a regular Klondyke." — "That so? ',Rich?"— " Yes; and cold. and distant.' I- — "I~belie7e, , pKegfessor, you are a master -joj of 1 nearly overy known tongue?"— " That is ' so ; ' all but my wife's and- her mother's." ,-'._S-^id-th© J 'bride: "Here's my first lot of biscuit.' Just wait! From tbe oven I'll whiscuit." How the poor woman cried, When her husband replied : "Let i$ burn! I don't think I should riscuit!" — "Of course," said the husband who made . a specialty of manufacturing excuses, "the truth is bound to leak out some time." "Yes," rejoined the other half of the matrimonial combine: "and I am inclined j to believe that it leaked out of you long ! ago." • —In ' Different Ways.— Mrs Randall: "Men have different ways of making home happy." Mrs Meyer: "How so?" Mrs Randall: "Some do it best by staying at home, and some by staying away from home." ■ l —He v was an inspector ol schools, and he was testing the* knowledge of a class on the value of coins. Ho pulled out a half-crown; threw it lightly, from one hand to the other, and asked a pupil, "Well, what is- that?" "Heads, sir," said the boy. —"A musician out of work, are you?'' said 1 "the housekeeper; "well, you'll find a few cords in the woodshed. Suppose you favour me with -"an obbligato?" "Pardon the -pronunciation, madam,", replied th© tramp, "but Chopin is not popular with me." s To be extolled lor what one is One loves, for there's a subtle bliss in't; , But there' sja, rarer joy '-than, this-7 : "'Tis to" be p'raised'jfor what oife" isn't. ' • \ — If.' — Lady of .the ■ House ■ (satirically) : ' "You can't wasli,'"or<iiron, or-Might the fire?" Perhaps,, you might ' be- able . to- sit -in the breakfast "roonaland r^ad, the-^paper ''after' Lmy_' husband. has,'"finisb.ed "with it !" , Mistress . sof.the Kitchen: I- could do that, ma'am, if the paper- had stories in it." j " rt~ Stirfging".,— The o old genrtleSman Uad'^ just 1 'stepped^ into the crowded trainear, and had aeeidently trodden on young Fitzgerald's foot. "Confpund you, you careless old buffer!", cried" the latter; "you've crushed 1 my foot to, a -je%." "Ah!" said the old r man, calmly; "calf's foot" jelly, I suppose!" — A mother recently brought her little i boy to school- for 'his first time, and she said to the teacher: "This little boy isvery delicate, as he is afther a fit of harmonya on the loongs; but if he does anything bould— and I know he will — bate the wan next to him, an' _ twill frighten him." — Modified. — "It's curious that women are never great poets or. great musicians," said Mr Meeker. "What did -you say?" asked his wife r belligerently. "I was .merely remarking that women are too sensible to squander their energies on poetry and music to the extent that pome men do." — Josiah ■ Quincy, of Boston, tells us how he was? once identified' by a labourer who was enlightening a friend. '"That is Josiah Quincy,' said the foet labourer. "An' who is Josiah Quincy?" demanded the other. "Don't ye know who Josiah Quincy is?" demanded the first man ; "I niver saw sich ignorance. .Why, he'® the grandson of the statue out, there in the. yard." . r Mildred, who had ,a : small friend to spend th^ 'afternoon, with hei, found that the care of. her little , brother interfered sadly 'with their plans. John showed a tiresome -persistence ip., joining they games. Meeting but- little encouragement, he ,asked at last, somewhat .wistfully, MillyV can't I phiy something?" "Yes, - John," ' she replied- , firmly _; "go- into they, back" room' and; play you're dead for sn hour and a : half."_ - — "Your Head," remarked the garrulous barber to the Irishman in his chair, "is twice as large as mine." - "But Di suppose that head' ay yc-ur^ do be big enough for you," said the genial eon of Erin. "Why, certainly," answered the tonsorial artist. "Ay coorse," continued the Irishman "Pfwat's th' use ay a man havin' a big thrunk whin he- hasn't any clothes to put in it?" —A/ certain town in the north produces bright boys. The /other day one of them asked his teacher, "How much brains has a hog in his head " She replied. "Science has not determined that, Thomas." "Well, I have!" eaid the boy. "It would take a philosopher to tell thaf, ' "responded the teacher, "but you may tell." "A hog's bead' full l ." rejoined the grinning urchin. • —The Minister and his Valet.— About 1840 the United States gent to the Russian capital a Minister whose special virtue was not sobriety. Mr Prince, who was United States Consul at St. Petersburg at the time, told Mr White this story:— One day the Minister's valet, who was an Irishman, came to the consulate and said: "Oi'll not stay wid his Igsillincy army longer; Oi've done widl 'im." "What's the trouble now," said Mr Prince. .''Well," said the man, ."this mornin' Oi thought it was foime to get ins Igsillinoy out o' . bed, for he had) been dhrunk about a week and in bed mosb of the toime;°and so Oi wint to 'im and cays Oi, gentle-loike, 'Would your Igsillincy have a cup of coffee?' whin lie rose up and shtruck\me- in the face. On that Oi took 'im by the collar, " lifted! 'mi out of bed, took 'im .acrass the room, showed 'im his ugly face in the glass, and Oi said to 'im, says Oi, 'Is thim the eyes of an inyoy' igstraorr-rrdinarry and ministher plinxt potentiarry ?' " What answer the Minister ' (made has not been recorded. '