FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 2649, 21 December 1904, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY

. | — Flipp: "I hear that they use all sort? of materials in the manufacture of llimniliating gas nowadays." Flopp : ''True. They e\Qi\ make light of the onsumera' complaints." — iirs Burden : "It's strange that a strong nan like you cannot get work." Tramp: ''Well, yer see, mn.n, people wants references from me last emploj er, an' he's been dead 20 years." Three men m a three-masted schooner. Saw a whale, and thought they'd harpoon her. j They were new at the biz, j And the great wonder is ! That the end of the three wasn't sooner. j — Jimmy : ' Faith, and it's called a bat, ! sir." 'leacher: '""Very well. Now, how many kinds of bats are there?" Jimmy: "X litre are foive. The black bat, the rod bat, the acrobat, the cricket bat, and tne brickbat, sir." — A physician, finding a lady reading "Twelfth JS'ight.'" said: "When Shakespcaiu wrote about Patience in a monument, did he mean doctors' patients?" "No," she answered; ''you don't find them on monuments, but under them." — Farmer (with wife and children) : "How much for tickets for the young 'unsY" .Railway Tidket Seller: "Between five and twelve, half fare." Farmer: "Oh! bother it, Mary ! We'll have to wait till to-mor-row; it's half -past 12 now!" — .Stranger: "1 noticed your advertisement in the paper this morning for a man to retail imported canaries." Propiietor of Bird Shop : "Yes. sir. Are you looking for a job;" Stranger: "Oh, no; I merely wanted to know how the canaries lost their tails." — A few days ago a well-known person--age was motoring in Newport, wher a policeman stopped him. "You'll have to take off that mask," said the officer, "it's ' frightening everyone who sees it." "BubI'm not wearing one!" explained the unfortunate offender. — "So -you don't care for poetry?" "No," said the eminent inventor. "Only the other day I heard a young woman singing 'Had I the wings of a dove.' Now, the wings of a dove would be wholly insufficient in atmospheric resistance for any practical purpose whatever. What she really wants is a telrahedral kite." ; A man may stop a foaming horse that tearing down the street, ' May stop an enemy's advance a-mid the battle's heat ; In fact, stop almost anything in situations trying; But not a single man alive can stop a baby crying. — ' An elderly unmarried lady of Scot- ■ land, after reading aloud to her two si - J ters, also unmarried, the births, marriages, i and deaths in the ladies' corner of a news- 1 paper, thus moralised: "Weel, weel; these j are solemn events — death and marriage ; but ye ken they're what we must all come -j to! 1 ' "Jcih, iVLiss Jeanny; but ye have been iong spared !" — The Dean of Bristol, Dr Pigou, told an amusing story the other night at a lee- s ture on "An Evening With the Micro- < scope," at the Birmingham Midland In- < stitute. In one of hiss cottage lectures he £ exhibited a spot of pond water to a work- -, ing man who had become a teetotaller. The latter was so alarmed at the anirnalculse thus rendered visible that he exclaimed, "Lor a mercy, I'm afraid I must go back . to beer." — Agent: "Want to insure your life, eh? ( That's right, every young man should. How 1 much? Ten thousand dollars?" Customer: : "Y-cs, that would do." Agent (briskly) : i "All right! What's your name?" Ousto- < n^cvr: "Kugby Kicker." Agent: "Your occupation?" Customer: "Professional football player." - Agent (disgusted) : "Very , sorry, Mr Kicker, but I cannot insure you. • Our board is very strict, and 1 won't accept j any more hazardous risk than employees of ' dynamite factories. Good day !" < — Once in the course of a Parliamentary ' speech, which was puncture<t by many in- < lerruptions, John Bright was saying : "Per- ] sonally, I do not feel disposed to wage war against these Philistines," when an unruly j listener broke in with a loud "Hee-haw !" • "If, however," Mr Bright continued, with- , out a second's pause, "my friend there , will lend me one of his jaws, I shaii \ be encouraged to reconsider by attitude. ' in view of the historic success o> Samson l when provided with a similar weapon." ; — The other day a well-known counsel ] examining the plaintiff in a breach of pro- < mise case inquired of her : "Was the de- < fendant's air when he promised to marry , you perfectly serious or one of levity and j jocularity?" The complainant replied : "If you please, sir, it was all ruffled with him running his hands through it." "You * misapprehend my meaning," said the ' counsel. "Was the promise made in utter * sincerity?" "No, sir; it was made in the * washhouse," replied the plaintiff, amid j roars of laughter. j i — ■ Although the law seems to be especi- < ally conducive to skill in fencing with j words, the church has supplied a large quota of men who delighted' in the give- n and-take of verbal warfare. The vener- J able Dr Thomas Fuller, author of "The * Worthies of England," however, met his ( match once when he propounded the fol- ' lowing question to a certain Dr Sparrow- £ hawk: "Pray, what is the difference be- 1 tween a sparrow hawk and an owl?" < "Why," came the response, "there is a * great difference. An owl is fuller in the 4 head, fuller in the body, and fuller all over." ! THE BEST CONUNDRUMS. j Why is a miss not as good as a mile? s Because a miss has only two feet, and a 5 mile has 5280. i What is that which is so easily broken ' that the mere mention of it breaks it? . Silence. I ; If a man's horse has lost his tail, why c should he sell him wholesale? — I. is im- ' i possible to retail him. Why is a button-hole, like a cloudy day? — Because it is overcast. When may a man be considered to be ( really over head 1 and ears in debt 7— When i ; he owes for his wig. <■ Which is heavier, a half or full moon? — ] The half, because the full is as light again ' £ as the half. j i Why is an avaricious man like one with ' •> a short memory? — Because he is always forgetting. What will turn without moving? — Milk. I An old woman in a red cloak was crossing a field in which a goat was feeding ; : what strange transformation suddenly took * place?— The goat turned to butter, and the 1 old woman became a scarlet runner 1 1