A FORTUNATE MISFORTUNE.

Otago Witness, Volume 14, Issue 2648, 14 December 1904, Page 82

A FORTUNATE MISFORTUNE.

By Chas. E. Sligo.

(For the Witness.)

A very important personage is Mr Robert James M'Phee, bailie in his native town of Perth, once the capital and pride of Scotland, and even now numbered am oner the principal towns and cities of that realm? Very important he is from his judicial position, and also on account of tho valuable services he has rendered to science. For Bailie M'Phee is also Inventor M'Phee, and in the latter capacity he has cheerfully devoted all his spare time and money to the cause of progress, and without the slightest monetary return, for the inventoi's ideas are so far advanced beyond those of his age that his inventions invariably lie unrecognised and unrequited. Wherefore if Bailie MThee has not a right to the title of "Inventor," no one has.

About six months ago the Inventor-magis-trate patented, after a long course of careful investigation, a, camera, of whose innumerable excellencies I am totally unqualified to speak. Suffice to say that, but for an unfortunate accident, this camera would have revolutionised the whole art of photography. The shape of the camera was not above reproach — it resembled to some extent a pocket j>istol — but in such an instrument shape is immaterial. The bailie himself ,was delighted with it, and eagerly anticipated his summer holiday as

likely to afford opportunity for thoroughly testing h's new invention. Bailie M'Phee, douce man, is very methodical in his holiday. Every year for the past decade he has at a certain time — viz., the middle of August, retired to a certain village in the Perthshire Highlands, and there to a certain house owned by a certain landlady. He has, moreover, for ton years made love in his own practical, unsentimental manner to a highly respectable old maid in the village, but he has regularly returned without .summoning up sufficient courage to request the lady's hand. This year witne&sel no new departure in the bailie's annual programme, except that he made love and took photographs more ardently than usual, and both with a fair measure of success. The new camera worked on the whole in a fairly satisfactory manner, had the bailie been less ambitious, his holiday would have run the usual course, and ended in the same sweetly indefinite fashion; but the inventor's enthusiasm overcame the magistrate's inherent respect for law and order, and Inventor M'Pheo determined to trespass in order to obtain a photograph of the very pretty castle which adjoined the village a.nd was occupied as a shooting lodge by Sir Henry and Lady Beaumont Fletcher.

Accordingly one morning bright and 1 early the Bailie, with the camera in a bag by his side, scaled with some difficulty a dyke 6ft high, dropped into the castle 'grounds, and took his way through a plantation to the top of a grassy knowe, whence a good view of the castle could be obtained. The freshness of the morning and the beauty of the scene stretched panoramically before him, the castle scintillating in the sun's rays, the- "pale stream"" gilded with "heavenly alchemy," the narrow lock winding away into the purple hills, sjeedily destroyed the bailie's natural caution, and touched his poetic soul, so that, instead of taking his photo, and clearing oft" the grounds, the bailie lay revelling in the bright sunshine.

"Oh, delightsome scene !" he exclaimed, "how I revel in thy beauty. Truly, indeed, Earth has not anything to show more fair, Dull would lie be of soul who could pass by.

A heavy step behind him announced to the bailie that someone was either passing by or approaching. The inventor clutched his camera, and simultaneously turned his head, when he discovered the estate gamekeeper stalking up the hill. When the gamekeeper saw he was discovered, he broke into a run. This action proved too much for the bailie's guilty conscience. He lost his presence of mind, and fled. The gamekeeper, of course, gave pursuit. Both these persons showed wonderful agility as they raced down th& hill. As they reached the foot their respective positions were unaltered. Both were breathing heavily, and it is uncertain how the race would have eventuated had not the bailie, in speeding through the wood, caught his foot on a root and fallen heavily ; the gamekeeper, coming up behind, . stumbled over the prostrate photographer, and also bit the dust. The gamekeeper was the first to recover himself, following which he sat down upon the prostrate bailie. Mr M'Phee gurgled a protest, but the gamekeeper retained nis seat, s.pite protests, until he had recovered his breath, when he rose leisurely and calmly surveyed- for full ten minutes the panting trespasser as he lay writhing on the ground. Mr John Hunter, the gamekeeper, was in a particularly surly mood that morning. He had lost some rabbits recently out of his snares, and had anticipated the capture of the marauder on that particular morning. The disappointment, the sprint, and the fall had aroused his somewhat- peculiar temper, and he determined to vent his spite on the unfortunate photographer. The shape of the pistol suggested a brilliant idea. He knew that it was utterly and absolutely impossible that the thing in the bailie's hand could be a pistol, but the wolf does not hesitate for an excuse to kill the lamb.

When Mr M'Phee essayed to get up7"th"e gamekeeper grasped him "firmly by the collar.

"What yer doin' poachin' here?" he queried.

"Poaching! my good man? How dare you make such an unwarrantable statement ! I was only taking a photograph,"' protested the bailie. "Aye, wi' a pistol !" "A pistol? Where on earth is the pistol 1 :" exclaimecl the bailie, aghast. "What yer ca' that?'' interrogated the gamekeeper.

"'That," said the inventor, drawing himself up proudly, "is- the M'Phee camera, patented. It consists "

"'Oh, aye; vcra likely. I've heard them stories afore. If it's no a pistol it's an infernal machine. But we'll sort it whatefer." And as the gamekeeper said this, he stooped down, and, having soaked his handkerchief in a pool of water, wrapped it round the infernal machine. "Now, you carry this 'camera' tae his worship, an' we'll fve what he'll say aboot it, that is if it disna blaw ye up afore we get there."

'"Come, come, my good man," paid the bailie, turning pale, " I am a magistrate of the City of Perth, and you know perfectly well I was only taking a photo."' '"Oh, yer a magistrate noo, are ye? Weel, I hae the honour ta-e inform yer worship that everything yer worship says '11 bemused agin ye. My certyj but yer honor's a grand sprinter ! Come alang. noo."

The poor bailie, seeing that resistance was useless, decided to pacify his irate captor by a ready Pcquiescence in his wishes. He clutched the not irreproachable handkerchief containing the camera ; the gamekeeper clutched his collar, and the procession set out through the thicket, down the drive, and along the dusty road. Just before the lodge gates were passed, the bailie made an attempt to captivate the gamekeeper's imagination with the glint of gold. He produced a half-sove-reign, and kai<\

"Now, John, just listen to reason. 1 am sure I do not look like a poacher. Your best plan will be to take this halfsovereign and let me go." John took the coin, but did not release his hold of the bailie's collar. '•Let me go," pleadedl the bailie. "I'll hae ye ken, sir, 111 no be bribed." "Then give me back my half-sovereign/* cried the bailie, in genuine alarm. '•Xa, na ; I'll retain it as proof that yet tried to bribe me, but I'll no keep yer filthy lucre ac minute langer nor necessary.. An' * I'd advise ye no tae gab sac much, for it'll a' come* up in the evidence." The pair relapsed into silence as they; trudged along the dusty road.

But what makes the captive start-, turn pale, and then blush crimson. Round) a: bend in the road he sees a familiar buggy" appear — a buggy of such peculiar construction as to be distinguished from any other buggy on the face of the earth. It was the buggy in which the lady for whom the bailie had n tender heart was wont to take an early morning drive. And there was the lady herself, erect and prim. As the buggy approached, a torrential storm of feeling swept over poor Mr - M'Phee. His eyes he found to be an inconceivably inconvenient asset ; he did not know what to do with them. Suddenly, the lady in the buggy started, looked earnestly at the bedraggled couple, and then deliberately turned Tier head in the opposite direction. Poor M'Phee was completely broken down. He shook like a leaf, his head dropped on to his breast, and he trudged mechanically forward, ''accable,'' the French would say, "de detres?e." Even the hitherto implacable Mr' Hunter was touched. He released his hold of John's collar, and the pair walked in silence to th-e police office. Here the poacher's troubles soon ended. The magistiate, a personal friend of the bailie, set him at liberty, minus the camera, which Mr M'Phee refused to touch again, and) witbout the half-sovereign, which the gamekeeper omitted to restore and the bailie to ask for.

The same afternoon Bailie M'Phee called on the old maid, and found her over a cup of afternoon tea. She received him coldly at first, but after the lover had explained his misadventure, her manner " appreciably warmed. In fact, she showed such an interest in and sympathy for Robert's misfortune that Robert took courage; and— well, the wedding is fixed for August 15, 1905.