FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Volume 14, Issue 2648, 14 December 1904, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY

— Stella : "Her hands show the marks of toil." Bella: "Seamstress?" Stella: "No, indeed; six engagement rings." — "He always was a bad egg, but nobody seemed to notice it while he was rich." "Yes, he was all right until he was broke."

— Captain: "Yes, I have travelled nearly SO times round the world." Young Thing: "Oh, Captain, you must feel quite giddy 1" Marriage is a lottery? Not by all the twinkling stars! Marriage is a pottery, Where are made the family jars!

— Knicker : "Is your wife one of fashion's butterflies?" Bocker: "No. From the way she gets through' the clothes she must be a moth."

— Small Boy (to little girl) : "Do you wish to be my wife?" Little Girl (after reflection): "Yes." Small Boy: "Then pull off my boots."

— Her Husband: "I suppose a woman would have to be quite a philosopher to be indifferent to her appearance?" She : "She'd havj .to be a lunatic."

—It is almost impossible to believe there was once a day when father thought so much of mother that he did not care a rap whether she could cook or riot. , — Bobbie: "Fancy meeting you out in all tbis rain!" Cissie: "Oh, I like it!" Bobbie: "Then you must be a rainclear." Cissie : "If I am, you must be a rainbeau 1" Wives and daughters all remind us, We must make our little pile ; And, departing, leave behind us Cash for them^to live in style. — It's hard on the people of Greenland to have nights six months long."— "Yes. Just think of the feelings of the poor man whose ny)ther-in-law drops in to spend an evening 1' , — Comedian: "So our manager has been sick. What did the doctor say?" Soubretfce-: "Said ..-he needed a change of scenery." Comedian: "H'ni! The doctor must nave saen the show." •

— First Passenger (promenading on the deck of a liner in ' mid-ocean, to second passenger, leaning disconsolately against the rail): "Have you dined?" Second Passenger (dejectedly) : "On the contrary."

— "Why, John, what do you mean by burning our old love-letters V" — "I have been reading them, my dear. After I die someone who wishes -to ontesfc my will might get hold of them and ,use them to prove I was insane I" — "How are you coming • along at golf now?" — "Ob, fine!" — "Broke any records yet?" — "WellJ not exactly; but I've broken 30 clubs, the honeysuckle vine, the cat's back, and 1 six panes of glass since I began playing, so I'm coming along strong." — "My dear,' said Mrs Henpeck, "I'm positive 'that our George is thinking seriously of- matrimony." "Well, I only hope so," returned Henpeck, with unusual spirit. "I wouldn't want any boy' of mine to be so unfortunate as to regard it as a joke."

— "Well, what can I do for you?" asked the old doctor of a patient with a poor reputation for paying. "I called to see you,' about my utter loss of memory," replied 'tho man.. "Ah — yes — cr — why, of course ; but in cases of this kind, yoti know, I require my fee in advance."

— "On the 'one hand," said the teacher, pointing a long finger* at the map on the ■blackboard, "is the present complication in Russia; on the other hand- " Here he ■paused, and lo.oked sternly 'at the ' shockheaded boy. "On the othei hand " "Warts!" hazarded the 'shock-headed, boy, helpless with terror.

— Mrs Hiram Often: "What time is it, Bridget?" Bridget: "Shure, Oi dunno, ma'am. The clock's stopped." Mrs Hiram Offen: "It has? That's strange. Perliaps the works need cleaning." Bridget: "Not at all, ma'am. On's this mornin' Oi gey the whole thing- a good soakin' in hot •wather an' ammonia." — Philadelphia Press. — The middle-aged roan who resided in the tall white house with the green blinds eimply sat and looked and looked and looked at the middle-aged wife of .his bosom, and she sat and looked and looked and looked at him. Neither said a word. She had painstakingly planted • his liver-pills, and he in turn had taken her sweet peas. There really wasn't anything to say.

A NEW GRIEVANCE. No longer I sit behind her hat, It's something, I say, that's worse than that, She's taken a fancy to fix her hair In a sort of strange "skyscraper" affair; And tho' I may dodge tliis way and that, It's as bad as it was behind her hat !

— "Do I love George?" mu&ed Cara, Boftly, "or is it simply a sister's affection that I feel for " Just then Bobby burst noisily into the room and interrupted her meditations. " Get out of here, you little wretch I" she shouted, and seizing him. by the arm she shot him' through the door. "Ah, no," ste sighed, as she resumed her interrupted train of thought, "my love for George is not a sister' love. It is something sweeter, purer, higher, and 'holier."

— The last edition of the newspapers, with the> result of the cause celebre, had been sold out, and the boys were calculating their takings. "UHo," said Jimmy in alarm, "I'm a 'apenny short !" "Well, ■what's the use of 'arpin' on it?" growled Dick, as he calmly cracked' a nut ; "you don't think I took it, do you?" "No, I don't say you 'aye," said Jimmy, slowly — "I don't say you 'aye. But there it is. I'm a 'apenny short, and you're a-eating nuts, yer know!"