EDITOR'S WALLET, Laughter in Court.

Otago Witness, Issue 1851, 30 March 1904, Page 75

EDITOR'S WALLET,

Laughter in Court.

When Conversation Ceased.

The butcher's boy was such a bright little chap thas tho fourth-floor ■woman engaged him in conversation while writing out her order.

'" You have all the trade of this hoifce, Laveu't you?" she asked.

" Yes'm." '' And do you call for all the orders, the same as hero"/" " Ye-s'm." "And I suppose you go to other buildings, too?'*

" Yes'm ; lots oE 'em."

The woman looked at him admiringly. "Dear me," she said, "what a splendid head you must have to lemomber so many things! Don't you get people mixed, cometimo3?"

" No, ma'am," he said, "I used to," ho added, warming- into speech under her genial smile, '"but I don't any more. Anyhow, I'd never get mixed about the families in this 'ouse. I know "em too well. Why, I know 'em so well that when che hcs-i tells me to come oter here end get the orders, he don't fven have to call the families by name. We've got this building down fine, all of us fellows in the shop hon, because there is alwaj-e so much music goLig on. The first floor folk have a piano, and when the boss sends me to them, he says 'Go and see what the piano wants thir, morning.' The second floor is the cornet, the. third the fiddle, and the fifth is the banjo. Even the folk in the basement go in for mu^ic. The boy down there has a mouth organ." Tho fourth-floor woman smiled still more broadly.

"1 have noticed the confusion of sounds," she said. "But what about the fomth Sooi-? We have 110 mucical instrument at all. What does the boss say when h© tends you to us?"

" Oh. we fix that r.ll right," was the airy reply. "He- tays, 'Just drop in. Willie, and see "what that woman with tho fog-horn voice wants to-daj'." And that ended the conversation.

A Story of Two Eival Shop. k< epers.

Jules Hurot, a French journalist, tells a, story in illustration of his father's fin© business sense.

''My father, years ago," he writes, "occupied a small shop- on tho ground floor of a large building. He was then at the beginning of his career, and his income was somewhat paltry. He was, however, an economical vman.

" A clothing firm occupied all the building except the portion held by my father, and this firm had arranged with ihe proprietor that they should have that portion, too. whenever they v, er© ready to pay the rental demanded.

" Well, one dsy they decided to take in my father's shop, and their manager ingly called on him, and in a, friendly way told him that he had bette-r look about for another stand at once, since his firm would bo taking over the shop in May. " ' Bui I don't want to move," said my father.

"'Well, but you'll have to,' said the manager. 'You are a poor man, and 'my firm is rich. We can afford to pay three timas as much ront for this floor as you can. Now. if you'll leave quietly, without making any fuss, we'll help you to find a new place. But, if you stay, you'll have to pay a rent that will beggar you— simply beggar you, remember.'

" ' Give me,' said my father humbly, 'two weeks to think the- matter over.'

"'Well and good,' tho manager replied, and two weeks later he called again. My father was all smiles as he receded hun.

" ' Everything, my friend, is arranged,' my father -said. 'You may stay here, as before; I don't pay ?ny rent at all, but you pay 2500fi a year more than you paid last. I ha-\c bought the building.'"

Her Few Eat,

"At last!" It was a bright, clear evening in early spring. The heavens were studded with glittering points of light, and in all that v&il expanse not a cloud obscurfd tho atmosphere. The young astronomer, his face aglow with enthusiasm, turned to help his brido up the steep <=tairs that led to the ob=ervatory at tho top of tho house. "At last," he =aicl, "I shell ho able to "how you the stars in all their pristine beauty." Th&y stood for a moment and looked out into the silent night. The young bride's faeo evidently already impressed with the scene above them, was rapt and intent in its expression Below them, with its faint glimmer, lay the surrounding city, its tall spire*, its diet ant factory chimneys, rising like silent ghosts oi the msiht. And aiove

and beyond, illimitable, the panorama of tin' cky rtroiohed, sublime in its silence.

The \olce cf the man of science almost shock as he "poke, after a long pau=e, in which it teemed to h'm aa if they had left tho earth and were themselves only iv. v minds in a universe.

"When we realise,'" ho £a ; d, '"'that we are in reality nothing but infinitesimal specks on a little revolving pea of matter, and tha< around u-3, on e\ery side, stretching out boyond the viJe«fc rar>:>e of the imagination, aro countlws worlds upon worlds, into what a depth ot insignificance does this plunge us ! Ah, my dear, what are the things of this petiy sphere? What are ambition, riches, life, and death? What " His wife started, her facr> lighting up.

"I muse go!" she cived, moving swiftly towards the steps. "Go?" he r&pcatcd. "Why, we have only

just corns." "I know it," ,*hr» said, half-wav down the* steps : '"'out the bell rang, and i-iy now hat has armed."

Making aa Example.

It is a misfortune of criminal courts Oi jiittire that they attract many attorneys of doubtful or worse than doubtful reputation, who hovar about, seeking- to p.ck up a client by hook or crook. Lord Norbury bar] long been annoyed by tho presence of such fellov. s, but at length one of them was delivered into his hands.

It happened towards the clofo of a court cession. A shabby-looking attorney was prospecting for business in tho piisoners 1 dock. Just os ho was climbing bacla over the- rails, his lord-hip called out shortly:

" Gaoler, one of your prisoners is escaping ! Put him back !"'

Back the attorney wa? thrust, and then the following colloquy ei.»ued : "My lord, there is a mistake here. 1 am an attorney."

"I regret exceedingly.'' c aid Lord Xorburj-, "to see one of your profession in tha dock."

'"But, my lord, I am innocent." " Ye*," said the judge, '"they all »sy that, but a jury of your fellow-countrymen musil ■ settle it."

" But, my lord,'' =aid the attorney, now growing desperate, '"there is no indictment

against me "Then,'' te-mai-ked his Lordship, "yo-a will bo put back, and if re on© appears to prosecute you, 3-ou will be regt'larly discharged by public proclamation at the end of the assize."

The Black Wafcli.

Sanclie llacplierson was a sokVer in an Eng--ii-h legiment which landed in India oa Christmas Day. Sandie wa* longing to hear a "braid Sects" tongue. Suddenly his face lighted up as he Leard the bagpipes appioac'oing. " Guds be prajced," quoth ha to his comrade ; "there's a Scotys regiment here. Maybe the Goidcns or the Black "Watch."

Round the corner s-neofc the pipers, and Sandio's eyes bulged and his jaw dropped as he Paw, not braw kilted laddies, but acthe little black-faced Gcoiklia*-.

" The Black Watch v/ith a vengeance i" laughed his comrade, gleefully. Sandie didn't know that all Goorkha icgiments had their pipers.

I" is ( Isarmer a Jewel.

He 15 hlce all lovers, and can talk of 110 whins besidc-3 the young woman to whom ho is de\olec'. Ho sat in the club v. mdow smoking and thinking of her; then suddenly he blurted out, directing his remarks to the man who was deep in the n&ws of an evening paper: "Lovely girl !" "Who" asked tho man with the paper.

The' kner looked so indigrtaat at this tbot the other hastened to rectify his mistake.

"Oh, yes," he exclaimed. "I forgot you were. e-ng?ged." The lover was appealed. "Wonderful girl !" he said. "I find more to admire- in her every day. She is not only beautiful, but she is courageous, and has nerves of steel."

"Ah, yes," said tho man with the paper, absent-mindedly. " It's in her beauty, however, that »he

excels," went on the lover. "Her neck and throat are like chiselled marble."

"Ah, yes," aid the man with the paper again. "And then, think of her golden hair." "I do," said the man with tho paper in an offhand way. "And her silve*y voice/* "I've noticed it." *' And her ruby lips." " Quite go." " And her pearly teeth." •'You've spoken of them, before." "Then lic-r eyes- are like diamonds, too, jmd her conversation is full of sparkling gems." The man who had been trying to read, threw down his paper. "Why n-ot start up in business with h&r?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" asked the lover.

" Business— plain business," returned the other. "I alwaye have an eye to business — that's what made me what I am, and from, your description I can't help thinking that in that girl you've got enough to stock a jewellery store. Why not try it?" Since then, they have not spoken.

Too Mucli for Him.

Jhs merchant uttered a sharp exclamation and sank back in his chair. A telegram fell from his shaking hand. His eyes weie dilated, his face white, and beads of perspiration etood ou hie brow. The men in the outer office whispered among themselves.

" Touch of heart disease?" asked one,

"No ; the old man can't take up a note," taid another. "I've heard rumours of that bind. We fellows will have to be looking lor another place." " Get to work — he's coming to again. The merchant wiped his brow, fetched a despairing sigh, picked up the paper from the floor, frowned, and stamped his foot, as if to summon all his resolution, placed the telegram on his desk, and forced himself Jo lead the bitter message. This was it: — "Deareet Jamee,— Please send the waist lor my gros-grain suit at once. You will

remember the one, as it has revers on. the front and ohain-stitched biases on the back. It is in the lower trunk in the cupboard beside tho back room, under ymir winter overcoat. If not there, it nrust be in the sealed box on the third shelf in the front 100 m cupboard. If you don't find it there, it must be eomewhere eke. The trunk keys are in the second wardrobe drawer, unless they were put in. the chiffonnier ; and I think the keys are in a vaee on one of the mantels. Pack the waist so as not to wrinkle it ; and, oh ! James, please do not swear! — Your loving wife!"

A Surprise for the Phrenologist.

The following scene took place in a certain publichor.se near Burnley: — A travelling phrenologist offered to examine heads at the small sum of twopence each. A burly man of the navvy type stepped forward, ■with the remark, "Have a go at my head first." Just then the landlord called the phrenologist aside and whispered in his ear, "He's awfully fond of mutton." The professor proceeded to examine the man's head, and all went well until he commenced to explain his diet, when he said, "Now, then, gentlemen, if there is anything in the world this man. is fond of it is mutton. He will "

He said no more, for the big navvy smote him on the jaw, and the next thing he remembered was being on the floor amongst pots and glasses, and the navvy playing football with him, and saying, "What has it got to do with you if I did iteal a sheep?" Th© phrenologist was rather surprised when he was told that the man had just served 14- days for sheep-stealing.

Mixed the Responses.

If we believe all reports, strange things sometimes happen at marriage services ; but perhaps there has been nothing more curious than the following: —

The bridegroom, not being sure of his ability to follow the solemn words accurately during the ceremony itsolf, thought it wel]

to l»*arn hi* part beforehand. Unfortunately, his acquaintance with the Praycrbocyk being slight, he took in hand the orcler for the public baptism of infant 0 . Having carefully learnt his responses by heait, ho duly appeared before the clergyman with his intended. The impoitant moment arrived when the piiest asked: "Wilt thou have this woman to bo thy wedded wife? Wilt thou love her?" etc.

With prompt decision the young man responded, "I renounce them all." Everyone present stared with astonishment, not excepting the parson, who oxclaimed severely, "Do you consider this solemn caremony a fit? subject and time for jc -liner., civ?" "All this," said the bridegroom, "'I steadfastly believe." " Then I think you had tetter go horns; sir," ?aid tho indignant clergyman, '"till you aro in a. proper frame of mind." " That is my desire," respondad the young man, keeping faithfully to the text. An adjournment -was necessary, during which it is reported that the bridegroom was soundly rated by the bride and more concetly instructed in the part which he had to play.

A laugh in court is often -enough due to tho wife of learned counse-1, but it i^ not always so. The laugh may be raised at his expense. The dull-witted fellow who began hi 3 address to the bench by repeating over and over again, ad nauseam, the woids — "My unfoitunate client, my lord," met with the genial response: "Go on, Mr , go on; so far, the court is with you." On another famous occasion, however, the bar scored off the bench. It was the aesizes, and the day being sultry, the windows were open. While one of the counsel was speaking, an ass was heard to bray as though in unison. "One at a time, Mr So-and-So," quoth the judge — "one at a time." There wa« a burst of laughter at the learned gentleman* dificomfiture. Like a man of the world, he smiled and awaited the time for tho judge to sum up the case. When that time arrived, the incorrigible ass repeated his performance. Instantly the injured counsel rose and said : " What an echo thea % e is in this court, my lord !" The mention of open windows recalls to mind another story connected with the work of an assize town. Out of respect for the legal profetsion, I will give it for what it is worth, without vouching for its authenticity. The story is that a prisoner determined to be represented by counsel, and retired with the barrister of his choice into a private room for consultation. There he asked for expsit advice. " I observe," said the barrister, "that the window here is open. My best advice to you is to dieappear through it and bolt." Tho man fled-

Among legal anecdotes, none in fact are so good as circuit chestnuts. There is on© which still amuses the mess on the western. A barrister may not take from a. client less than gold. Sergeant Davey, being called to account for unprofessional conduct in taking eilver for a defence, said: "I took all the poor devil had, and I hope you don't call that unprofessional." Here is an anecdote of the present occupant of the woolsack which may or may not be apocryphal, but is in any case ben trovato. When Lord Halsbury was practising at the bar a judge asked him whether he waa a Welshman. Tho reply was : " No, my lord ; but I have made a good deal out of Welshmen, in my time." "Ah! I ccc," said the judge; "not a Welshman by birth, but a Welshman by extraction."— English Illustrated Magazine, for January.