FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2579, 19 August 1903, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— Impatient Customer: "Now, then, hurry up. waiter!" Worried Waiter: "Excuse mo. sir, but are you a calf's head or a jpork chop?"

— " What supports the sun in the heavens?" asked the- country school teacher. "Why. ita beams, of course," replied a precocious youngster.

— He: "If I should kiss you, what would you do?" She: "I never meet an emergency until it arkes." He: "But if it should arise?" She: "I'd meet it face to faoe."

— Johnny: "Grandpa, have you any teeth?" Grandpa: "No, my child, they fcave afl gone." Johnny: "Then I think i'll let you hold my nutg while I run an eiraud."

— First Tramp: "Hoy! You won't git siorhing decent in there. Them people are vegetarians." Second Tramp: "Is that right?" Firfit Tramp: "Yes; an' they've got a dog wat ain't."

— Nice Old Man: "Good heavens, boy! Are you smoking?" Muggs: "Me smokin"? fcay, de very suspicion outs me t' de quick. Why, I'm just keepin' dis butt lighted in case de guy who dropped it comes back."

— '"What is success?" asked the man with a liking for the abstruse. "Success," an-swe-red the cynical friend, ''is something il at impels your old acquaintances to smile significantly and remark, 'A fool for luck.' "

A TRUE MAN. Yours is the courage which but few suspect : Your 3is the courage which can b n ar nfglect ; Yours is the courage which can suffer long, The courage of the man whose soul is strong.

— Blobbs: "What nonsense it is for newspapers in their accounts of weddings to describe the brides being led to the altar." •Slobbs: "How .so?" Blobbs: "Why, most of the giris could find their way in tho dark."

— Election Ag[ent: "That was a fine speech our candidate made on the agricultural question, wa-n"t it?" Farmer Plough■joii : "Oh, ay, it wasii'' bad; but a couple o' nights' good rain 'ud a done a sight more good!" —"I suppose," said the impressionable young girl, "that you didn't have to wait long for a husband, Mrs Sharpe." "No," (replied Mrs Sharp?, "I didn't, but I do now — till midnight at least, and often longer."

— "You have been allowing games of chance in your house," said tho magistrate to a de-Hnquent publica.n. "No, your Worship — no," was the defence ; "there was no chance about it. Everybody cheated."

— "Perhaps," ventured the unsuccessful contributor, "you didn't conside-r my little odo true to life." "Oh, it was true enough !" replied the editor. "I assure you thero wa« more truth than poetry in vrhab you «aid."

— A Way Out. — Patient: "But, doctor, only last week you sad I would surely die, and to-day, you see-, I am as well as ever I \va«." Doctor: "Sir, I never make a mistake in a diagnosis Your ultimate demise U onJv a matter of time."

— '•There is never any uncertainty where I t.tand," raid the- pompous speaker at tho ■ward meeting. "I'm a stalwart." Whereupon a little man with a squeaky voice half .arose, and, putting his hand to his ear, inquired: "What kind of a wart?"

— His Share. — Applicant: "Please, ma'am, can you 'help a pooi man who is out of 'work';" Woman : "I think I can find something for you to do." Appl-'cant (grato/fully): "Thanks. If you could give me some laundry work to do I'll take it home to my wife."

— Lieutenant (to his orderly): "Bring me a beefsteak and a poached egg " Orderly : "Excuse me, lieutenant, but haven't you forgotten that you arc to diuo to-night at Count-ess Stinge-Iy's?" Lieutenant : "That's so. I had foigotten. Bring me two beefsteaks and two poached eggs !" — From an old number of Notes and Quencf a. correspondent has dug the following verse, vihich makes more for confusion than for guidance: 'Tis not an easy task to rfiow How o-u-g-h sounds! S'ncc though An Irish Lough, and English Slough, And Cough and Hiccough, all allow, Differ as much as Tough and Thiough, There seems no reason why they do I

— The- late Mackintosh of Mackintosh was once on a visit to London. During his stay ho gat into a dispute with hie cabdriver over his fare. "Perhaps you do not know who I am," he said at last, when al' other arguments had failed. "I am the> Mackintosh." "I don't care if you're thrv liumberella, too!" returned the unimpressed cabby "The fare is one-and-six, and that's what I wants."

— Cornered. — "Jim," 6ißhed Mabel Scruggs, "doesn't the spring bring an inspiration to your .=oul?" "Mebbo it doe=, Mabel," answered Jim Medooney. "Doe.=n"t it bring fo you tender, soulful, thrilling Thoughts when you see <tho little birds making their nests and choosing their mates? Doesn't it make you think of a nest for yourself and — and — and " "Mabel!" gasped Jim, reaching for her hand, "you've got me up a trea."

— A story of a conversation between a traveller visiting at a popular resort arcl one of tho permanent residents i.s told by tho Rani's Horn :—"I: — "I am a ."ir-anger h©r<\ fir ; can you direct mo to a fir.-t-rate church?' 1 — "Oh, ya£; right around tho corner." — "What Acrt of a prea^'er have they?" — "A very good man.'" — " Inreres-ting?" — " Intensely so." — "Eloquent?" — "V^ry." — "Tho bo^t prearhiiitr. in town, I suppose?" — "Unquestionably." — "What's his najnf ?" — "All. my friend, thai is a question which modesty forbids m© to answer!"