FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2578, 12 August 1903, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— Not Yet Prevalent.— "How is that ncv word ' manywhere ' taking with the v riting public, professor?" — "Well, it isn't used muchwhere."

— "What is a, ruminating animal?" aeked the examination pap&r. Tommy knew. In a fine, bold, convincing, round hand wrole he: "An animal v;hait chews its cubs."

— Old d© Whiskers: "I have had my life insured' for £50,000 in your favour. Is there anything else I can do to please you':" Mrs do Whiskers: "Nothing on earth, dear." O men, an omen, oft you see, But do not lot cm© trouble you, Unless the omen chance to be Preceded by a W.

— A Goer.- -Lady (looking at new cob) • "How dees he go, Patrick?" Irish Groom : "The very best, m'lady! Sure, it's only now and 'then he touches the ground im odd spots."

—As Described. — He : "What do you thing of young Winde-rV" She : "He remindVme of a phonograph." He: "How"3 that?" She: "He ta'ks a great dsal, but never says anything original." — Pessimistic. — Oassidy: "Stoop 'klekin' about j-er hard luck, man ! Some morni::' y&'!! v.-ske up an' find yeiv»L' famous.' 1 Oas?y-: "FaHh. whin thofc mornin' com-c3 'twill be my luck to overslape mesel'." A Gailor from far Mozambique, AYho quailed when the ship cpr Q .Jig a liquo, To cecape being diown'd, Climbed aloft, and was fc^md Frozen stiff at the mizzenmast pique.

— "Look at the way baby's working hh mouth," exclaimed llrs Newman. "Not, he propcies to put his foot in it." "'H'm," replied her husband grumpily. "Hereditary. That's what I did when I pioposetl." — Of One Mind. — "'I liko dear little babies before they have learned to talk — don'i yo-j, Mr Smytho?" — "Indeed I do. Before they have learned to talk there is sio danger o c their parents telling you tho remnikr.bJs. things they have said." — Defined. — A new definition of absenimindedncss recently wa* given. "x'Vther, what does ' absant-minded ' mean?" — "My boy, that's very simple. Did you ever etop to think?" — '"Yes." — "Aaid your thoughts ran on?"— "Yes."— "Well, that's it." — Ethel: "Mother, when I ge: married, sliall I have a husband like father?" M.-vnma : "Certainly, my dear." Ethel : "And if I stay single, shall I be an old maid like Aunt Anna?" Mamma : "I think you will." Ethel (with a leep sigh) : "Well, I am in a fix." — In a Quandary. — "You must talke more recreation," advised the doctor. AH work and no .play makes Jack a dull boy, you know." "But, doctor," objected the patienb, "I am in a theatre orchestra, and if I don't work I can't play, while if I don'L play" I can't work." — A certain keen automobilisb is also a very cool customer. Sometimes he employs a driver, and on one of these, occasions the motor car resolved to run av;ay. It did — flysng like tho wind. "Can you stop it?" shouted the owner. "No," replied 'tho man. "Then," said the other, "run it into something cheap." — Pat on arriving in Liverpool went into a tobacco shop. Seeing- the Limerick twist on the counter, Pat said, "How nvuch will ye take for as much roll as will reach from one of my ears to the other?" "Ome shilling," said the tobacconist. Pat, putting the roll to hie right ear, said, "The left one is nailed on Tipperary gaol door !"

THEN AND NOW.

A frowning beach, a biting wind, Rain-drippins c'.oiids, bad weather ; Y&t in my sight all things were right, For we were there — together. De"ep azuro skies, the ocean s!o2p3. The air 19 sweet and mellow ; But I fee.l old, and' glum, and cold,

She's with — another fellow !

— The time came at la.st when Mr Oldboy oou'd no longer make a pretence of covering the top of his head by combing a wisp of hair up over it from on« side. "This is a ca=e," he eaid, looking at himself in the glass and sorrowfully surveying the wide expanse of bald crown, "in which the 'part' appears to be greater than the whole."

— A well-known speculator on the Stock Exohange was sitting in a friend's office on© hot day lost summer, and during the conversation, which was chiefly about stocks and share* of different kinds, he informed his friend that lie had picked up a cheap thing during the winter. "It stood at 33 then, aiu^ yestprday it touched 8* !" he said. "By Joy&! what "an extremely lucky fellow you arc! What wa<= it?" said his friend. "Only a thermometer," was the quiet reply.