A LETTER FROM WESTRAIA.

Otago Witness, Issue 2541, 26 November 1902, Page 67

A LETTER FROM WESTRAIA.

Dear Dot, — As you seem desirous of learning how I got on with my female companion on any journey to Perth, I suppose I had better finish the yarn, and satisfy you all. I was by no means satisfied with the old lady myself, and I believe it was because the memory of it revived my feelings of disgust that made me cut short matters concerning her. At every stopping place sho wanted to get out to replenish her thirst, but I usually managed to satisfy her by providing some refreshments as a substitute. However, she seemed bent on getting her way, and when I went to order some dinner at Southern Cross and came back to the carriage she wa3 missing. After searching about the station for some time I eventually found her in the- waiting room, enjoying a "nip" from a bottle on the sly. My having caught her thus In the act rather annoyed her, and she was willing to come back with me when I asked her without ado. I took good care she didn't play that march on me again, but I couldn't do much towards "commandeering" the bottle she held so firmly, and I can tell you I was pleased whtn we got to Perth, for I had rather a helpless companion with me. Then I put her into a cab with her luggage, and breathed a sigh of relief as I saw her recede from sight, resolving in my mind never to undertake to act as caretaker to any more old ladies afflicted with insatiable thirst. That one estperiencs will serve me for life. It is said New Zealanders are fond of becoming pilots to childish old beings, but I don't think they would boast of 'their gallantry in that respect if they had to de:.l with a thirsty dame, such as my acquaintance proved to be. Still, New Zealanders are "queer mortals," aa Bob Bell, the comedian, says, and you never can quite fathom them. "Bob" seems to enjoy a joke at gn^ jUtßHUg^jnA Jut fpcentrio jfjffi fl£ dsitfili-

ing our character tends to mako us appear somewhat ridiculous. He tells his tale something like this, to put it briefly:— "My dear friends, have you ever heard of that wonderful land they call New Zealand?' I met a chap from that part the other day. He's staying in our hotel, to tell jci the truth. Well, we got talking about different things, this chap and me, when he up and commences describing the glorious unparalleled beauty of his country — New Zealand, of course. Well, I listened to his stirring accounts for a time. My word they di 3 make mo envy him, and then I thought I'd show him what the 'Golden West' could produce. I took him up in front of a jeweller's shop, and showed him that great nugget they found at the White Feather. 'What do you think of that for a slug?' says I, and he up and scorns it by saying, 'Phew! we've hundreds of those small pebbles in New Zealand,' and the nugget wouldn't fit in a goodsized basin, mind! Just then I thought of something else, so I piloted him along to a fruit shop and showed him some of our prime .water-melons, weighing about 18lb, and asked him what he thought of them. 'Oh, nothing very great/ he coolly replied. 'We grow gooseberries as big as that in New Zealand.' 'My word, a wonderful country is that New Zealand; I'd like to see it,' said I. Then I hit upon another project. I took him over to the Reserve Dam and showed him some of the largest green frogs in existence. You all know what Perth frogs are, don't you, my friends? Well, he actually laughed at them, and declared 'They had grasshoppers as big as that in New Zealand.' " Bob puts on a very crestfallen face here as he continues: " I tell you I was getting thoroughly full up with this fellow. It was all New Zealand with him, and he always seemed to come off best in his argument, too. At last I confided my grievances to the publican, and he helped me to make this chap pretty near 'tipsy' by drinking the health of his country, etc. Well, I went out and bought one of the largest crayfish I could see in the fishmonger's, and when he was drinking his grog I ran up into his bedroom and put the fish nicely between his blankets, and came downstairs again. When he felt himself becoming dozy ho bade us good-night, and went upstairs. He and I waited at the foot patiently for a scream. By and bye he came running down minus his trousers, shouting for all he was worth. 'Quick, quick! a snake — a snake!' 'Go on, what are you frightened about,' said I, walking boldly up, he following at a safe distance with the landlord. 'Look, 100k — there it is!' he cried, pointing to the bed I turned and laughed at him. 'Don't you know what that is? Why, that's a Coolgardie bed bug. Can you beat that in New Zealand.' " I don't think we can, nor yet can an equal be found by yours truly, BRITAIN.

[It is to be hoped there are not many of that stamp of New Zealanders travelling round the Commonwealth, Britain, or I am afraid Australians will soon regard New Zealanders as dreadful bores, and their beautiful country a pure myth.-DOT.]