EDITOR'S WALLET. The Mistake James Made. Cleverly Tricked. Jawn Hose. A Slight Mistake. Never Been Painted. Verdicts In Verse. FAR FROM THE TOILING THRONG.

Otago Witness, Issue 2631, 17 September 1902, Page 72

EDITOR'S WALLET. The Mistake James Made.

Cleverly Tricked.

Jawn Hose.

A Slight Mistake.

Never Been Painted.

Verdicts In Verse.

FAR FROM THE TOILING THRONG.

The party was composed of — we wjl] call them the Smiths — and Jame3 Brown. James was engaged to Stella Smith. James has> a hundred or two a year. Stella is a pretty heiress — in a small way. Now it happened that to the Smiths was assigned a particularly pretty housemaid. Acid James Brown was a good lover; and though his heart was true to Stella, he could not conceal from himself that the housemaid also had her attractions. So one evening, when he was mounting from th© little coffee room where they dined to the Smiths' sitting room, his heart gave a thump when he noticed that someone had forgotten to put the light on the 6tairs, and that a female form had embedded itself suddenly and securely in his arms. There was a whispered protest, "Oh, let me go; please let me go."' And James felt certain of his prize. James was obstinate. His arm stole round the waist of his captive, and her slender fingers could not unclasp it. "Just one," he murmured ; and his lips sought those of the pretty housemaid. She struggled, and in the struggle her fingers drew off a ring which he wore on his left hand. "You shall keep it," he whispered, "if I may have just One." He had it ; so, at least, we aarte t given to understand, for the housemaid scuttled off downstairs with the ring in her possession. And a whisk of black skirt at the corner of the staircase made James sure — almost positive — that it was the housemaid whom he had kissed. And yet a doubt rankled in his mind. For it is very difficult to swear to a pair of lips in the dark, especially a strange pair. Nevertheless, it was the" housemaid, who was a good girl enough, but with a strain of mischief in her making. That will explain her conduct next day when she took the ring to Stella Smith, and, telling her she had found it in the roadway near the inn, asked if it were of any value. Stella recognised the ring at once. She had often turned it round in her fingers when it was in its wented place. And, feelina sure that James would regret its loss, she complimented the girl on her quickness of sight, said it belonged to Mr Brown, and gave her a sovereign as a reward, whereat the housemaid rejoiced and discreetly withdrew. When Stella next met James she had the ring on her finger. She &3ked him if he had lost anything that he valued. James stuck his left hand into bis pocket and said he had ciot. Then Stella, shaking her finger, with the ring upon it, in front of him, with laughing eye* said : "Naughty, naughty boy ! What a. mistake to make! When we are married, I shall insist on your being more careful." Then James, who does not think quite quickly enough for such emergencies, made a worse mistake, for he said : "My dear girl, I knew all the time it was you I was kissing." Stella, of course, wanted to know what he meant. But he has not yet thought of an adequate explanation. ,

The wisdom of Solomon prevails to some extent even among the judicial dignitaries of Russia. This ip evident from the following ingenious device invented by one of them to discover on which side truth and justice lay in a rather difficult case that came before him recently.

In a certain town a prosaic, plodding farmer complained to a justice of the peace "that he had been defrauded by the defendant of 20 rouble*" {about £3).« "I bought a cow from him — he is a peasant, your honor." he explained, "and I first paid for the animal,, and then asked him to drive it from the market place into my yard. This he agreed to do.

"Well, the scoundrel — I beg j-our — his pardon, I mean. Well, when he had the cow close to my barn ho refused to budge a step farther unless I paid him 20 roubles, saying he had received nothing from me. This was an inf 1 mean a barefaced lie, because I had paid him the money a few minutes before."

"Where are your witnesses?" asked the judge.

"Witnesses! I have not a single witness. What are the witnesses for? Doesn't he know right well, the contemptible "

"You must not call him names," interposed the judge. "Did he pay you the money?" asked the judge of the defendant.

"I never saw the colour of it, your honor. Why, if he had paid me, do you think "

"That will do," exclaimed the judge; "the plaintiff's claim, imsupported by witnesses or evidence of any kind, is null and void. He seems an honest fellow, though, and has evidently lost his 20 roubles. Let's make up a little subscription for him. I will head the list with five roubles. Won't you give something?" inquired the judge of the defendant, who had won the suit. "That I will," eagerly exclaimed the triumphant suitor, "with a "whole heart. Will three roubles do? Here's the note."

The judge took the three-rouble note, examined it, looked suspiciously at the donor, and said :

"You dare to utter false money in an imjierial court of justice! Have you any more notes of this description? This is a veiy serious matter indeed. Where did yon get this forged money?" The man turned red and white and yellow, gave a series of explpnatioiiH that contradicted each othpr, muttered and floundered about from lie to He, till at last in despair he cried out :

"If you want to know the whole truth, here it is : Tlie forged notp belongs to the plaintiff. He did pay me 20 roubles for the cow, the rascal, but he paid me in forged notes, and that's one of them. It all amounts to jnet what I snid, that he didn't pay mo at all, and it's he that must co to Siberia for utterinpr forged notes, not I. I am as >.inoc?nt as tho babe unborn."

The fli c hortPf.t defendant by bis own con-fo=-ion had ac'nnittod him=elf a prrjurpr, and he was a«tonndfd to loam that the notes he had rPcei\.-"<l wore as good as any in the emmre of tho Cz;u\ He had been cleverly tricked by tho wisr judge.

(f-'olnmon eonsidereth it for a short space of tune, rr d maivelk-th at its ferocity.)

(' ••>. >Vr ih>\v tho lawn hose, for it :t .rctli v- head abroad in the land.

It rorrreth about, seeking whatsoever it m/iy scak ;

Behold, -the lawn hose consisteth of a long, round hole. Composed of air ; And the same, it is surrounded by rubber. And at one end thereof is a place whereby great volumes of water may enter. Acid at the other end thereof is a place where a woman fair to see and hard to dodge may hold unto the hose. Yea, verily ; when she tucketh her garments about her feet and putteth her sun bonnet upon her head that she may sprinkle the lawn. Then it is time for all them that are roundabout to flee unto the mountains of j Hepsidam, Or to hie unto the house and seek shelter; For she that handleth the lawn hose hath the uncertainty of the cyclone and the wide swath of the cloudburst. Peradventure, she endeavoureth to sprinkle the daffodils and the elephant's ears and the lilac bushes. While some man, with innocent trust in humanity abiding in his heart, walketh adown the sidewalk. And even as he raiseth his hat that he may speak gallantly unto her, behold, she twisteth the nozzle, And the water striketh him with a speed of 50 miles an hour, And knecketh his hat over against the other aide of the street, And seepeth iato his bo=om, And Equizzleth adown his snirt, And rompeth under his collar. And takebh the 50-cent crease from out his trousers, making them to hang upon him even as the fretful 1 carpet elingeth— unto the back fence. O, why doth not woman, lovely woman, learn that if she will sprinkle the flowers, she should first point the nozzle toward them that go by the yard? But what availeth it to ask why? Now, furthermore, there may be many other things about the lawn hoso that pas-9 understanding. It lurketh ici the path at night. So that when man cometh homo from the lodge, or from posting up the books, he trippeth over it, And falleth'upon the grass, Whereupon the lawn hose writheth about him and clutcheth him fearfully, So that he oalleth aloud for help. It sticketh its nozzle against his neck, and gxirgleth and moaneth, And he yelleth that the sea serpent is upon him, And prayeth for sucoour. Yet again, when it is day, the man seizeth upon the lawn hose, and saveth that he will show the folks how to sprinfele. And he standeth astride it and turneth on -the pressure. Now for a moment or more it worketh with all trustiness. But on a sudden it bursteth apart betwecci his feet, and the nozzle flieth off. i And the man crieth for a life preserver, and seokcth to swim ashore, } And he doth not become dry for a week ; even as them that take the water cure in far Luzon. Surely the lawn hose is past understanding, And none may find it out. r And it squirteth alike tifnn the just and the unjust, and cannot di c inguish between man and a hollyhock bush. Is it not so, even as it is printed here upon the paper? Yea. yea, and yet again yea. — Josh Wink, in Baltimore American.

A lady, seated in a tramear^ recently, aotieed that the lace of her shoe had come undone. It was the work of a moment, but a very warm and trying moment, to stoop down and knot it securely. When this was accomplished, her hat and veil readjusted, a«d her gloves once more carefully put on, it was time to signal the conductor.

This she did. and after two vain attempts to rise, "looked around indignantly to find the cause of her retarded movements. She came face to fnce with a very irate gentleman, who had been sitting next to her.

"Madame — madame — where are you trying to take me?" he demanded. "I — you !" she stammered.

"Ye« — look there !"

He pointed to the floor, and in an instant she had grasped the situation. By mistake in groping, she had grasped the lacing of his shoe, which she had fastened for the other end of her own, and had fastened them so carefully together that it took the gentleman quite five minutes to effect a release, under' the amused glances of the other occupants of the car.

A party of tourists, who last autumn were touring amcog the more obscure parts of Devonshire, cam© suddenly upon a tiny cottage of unusual beauty from an artist's' standpoint. Myriads of country flowers filled the well-krPpt little garden, amongst which the bees hummed merrily. Honeysuckle and roses adorned the walls to the moss-grown thatch roof, whilst in the foreground, on a rude bench, contentedly smoking, sat an ancient rustic — apparently the occupant of the little domicile, and the whole picture was set off by a plantation of pines towering in the background. Fascinated with a scene of such rural beauty, a lady of the party of an artistic temperament approached the old cottager. "We were admiring your lovely home," she exclaimed enthusiastically ; 'does no one ever come to paint this charming cottage and those beautiful trees yonder?" "No, mum," replied Hodge, in astonishment, "it hey' never been painted in my time. Squire 'ad the cottage whitewashed yella for a change a year ago, but then nobody touched the trseo; ihey wa6 always the zame colour."

Of the vagaries of juries there would appear to be no end, and not the least of their enoimitieß is the perpretation of villainous verse, of which in evil moments they are sometimes guilty. Most of these findings in rbymings are concocted on the other side of the Atlantic, and by the losing parties are doubtless regarded as adding insult to injury. Such must certainly have been the opinion of an unfortunate breach of promise defendant in the State of Pennsylvania. He had proved faithless to a fair lady of the name of Wright, and the jury took advantage of the plaintiff's patronymic to return their verdict in verse. It ran :

The plaintiff in this case is Wright, And well her suit has won. One thousand dollars for the slight Must come from Samutl Dußfe

Even Chicago jurymen have been known to record their verdicts in more or less execrable rhyme.' In a paltry case which tried their tempers no less than it taxed their time, the good men and true thu# aired their grievance and announced their finding : Hungry, weary, and sad, We have looked without avail, And now we're mighty glad To say this suit must fail. Some years ago the members of a jury in the State cj, Kansas were much incensed at being locked up all night owing to the obstinacy of one of their number, a mail of the name of Knox. On being ushered into the jury box next morning, the foremaa solemnly rose and thus delivered the verdict which, during the nocturnal hours, he and his indignant colleagues had arrived at : By Knox our verdict was delayed, And- we in durance landed.,. But kicks with Knox improvement made, And full assent commanded. We now do find, all at one time, The prisoner guilty of the crime. The judge accepted the verdict, but, after studying for a moment the spectable presented by the obnoxious Knox, remarked that he could not agree with the third) line ! On another occasion the beauty of a youthful culprit of the feminine persuasionl awoke the muse in the jury empanelled to try her. This was at San Francisco, which town the comely delinquent had made the scene of her unlawful pursuits. After hearing all there was to be said again3t and for the prisoner ia the dock, the jury put their heads, together, and t a few minutes afterwards startled the court with this deliverance through the foreman :. We mark with grief and sorrow keen That woman, fair as ever seen, ' Should to such evil courses take And show she is at heart a rake. But maiden, whether fair or frail, ' 1 Must never over right prevail; We therefore find her guilt full proved, So now to gaol she can be moved. After listening to this extraordinary effusion the occupant of the benoh remarked that his only regret on hearing the verdict was that he could not send each of the jurymen to prison as well as the subject of their atrocious verse. He added that, after such an infliction, his would be the lightest punishment that he was at liberty to inflict on the girl for ncr offence. For one more example of jurymen's eccentric rhyming we mußt return to New York, where, not long since, a faithlesa love-r was brought into court to answer for his breach of promise. The defence was that th© damsel was a flirt, and this seems to have suggested the words in which the jury thus expressed their finding: — The plaintiff is a flirt, 'ti3 said, And thus broke her engagement; But tender missives we have read Disprove such disarrangement. For trifling with the plaintiff's heart, And blighting her affection, Defendant must with dollars part, - Two thousand's our direction. If frivolous jurymen carry their rhyming 1 propensities much farther, this versifying' will have to be suppressed as gross contempt? of court.

_« By a Banker. He who can best appieciatc the marvellous beauties of all-bounteous Nature must unques-

tionably be the city brain-worker, whose avocation compels him to work from morning until evening tvt his desk or countinghousw. Day after day, day after dey, in the stifling dusty heat of snimmeT, or the dense, smoky, fogs of winter, when, day is turned into midnight, he >s always found at his post, always actively at work, until at length the time cornea for his annual vacation, when, shaking the dust from off his feet, be leaves th* smoky, murky city, ai:d hurries down to the coast lor a few weeks' holiday.

Ah, now, how ho rev-els in the entrancemenfl of tho surroundings. The delicious, invigorating air is perfumed with an indescribably, exquisite, balmy fragrance and laden with! gladdening, life-giving freshness; tho broad, outspread ocean sparkles and glitters in tha bright sunlight; its rolling, dancing waves', crested by tho breese with snow-white foam 1 , majestically curl over and break on the golden strand with ever-varying cadence. Here and) there the sea is flecked with the white sails of vessels of varied form and size; while flocks of the graceful and beautiful tern, or seaswallow, swiftly skim, along the shore dge, in the spiay of the breaking eurf, and one or two of that more stately shore bird, tho handsome, scarlet-legged oyster-catcher, stand on a half-submerged rock looking for prey. The shore itself is a paradise of beauty to the nature-lover; its deep, rock-formed pools fringed down to the bottom with featheiy seawesds, tinted in all manner of rainbow hues; while graceful corallines wave their pink and! mauve-crested plumes, Rmongst which are playing little golden wrasse and tiny diaphanous cmstaceans, which dart away to thoir hiding places in the dark recesses of" the rock at the slightest provocation; while scattered om the hard, sparkling sand, or on the shingle! higher up, are specimens of many varieties o£ shells and other varied treasures of the deep. Ascending & deep, verdure-clothed, naturehewn coombe, midst -wild flowers in full! bloom — tall, purple foxgloves, scarlet poppies, golden iris, azure-tinted succory, spikes of pa-la pink orchis, with many another beauty of tha fields, and bordered with, shrubby tufts ofi flower-covered purple dogwood and vibanmnr, the summit of the beetling puie-white chalk; cliffs is soon attained, and here tho ravishing! perfume distinctive of the downs, a commingling of the sweet odour of wild thyma and other scented flowers with the natural,) unsullied redolence of tho earth itself, blend* with the ozone-laden sea, air, and still mora accentuates the difference between this glorious atmosphere and the heavy, smoke-laden; air of the city. And, surrounded by all these entrancing beauties, and revelling in this so delightfullypeTfumed air, the thought crosses the mnd whether in the Great Realm on high BUOh delights exist. Surely yes. For surely amongst th« pleasures which those will enjoy who, living the life of the righteous, and laying theturt sins upon the Divine Redeemer who atonea for tHem, attain to that grand inheritance, the enjoyment of the varied beauties of Creation will not be excluded. For Heav«n cannofl bo a mere ethereal, intangible empyreal.

For all Asthmatical troubles the only certain specific is MOUNTAIN KING ASTHMA POWDER. Obtainable from all ehemut* And »tor«k»<g3Brfc