FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2631, 17 September 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

| — Teacher: "Tell nip, Bobby, what arc I the two things necessary for a baptism?'' , Bobby : "Water and a baby, ma'am." When it comes to aichitecture It is lather puzzling there, For oft tho love in h cottage Is a castle in the air. — From Observation. — "Some men,'' said little Wishingtcn. "act like fools when in love." "Yce," answered Sharpe, "and a great many more do not wait even for that ' excuse." —"I think it is silly to pick up a pin!" "Oh, I don't know! I know a follow that makes a pound a week picking up pins." "Get out!" "Yes; he works in a skittle alley." — Mason : "Smith always speaks of his doctor as an old war hor?e. Rather odd, isn't it? He's never been In the army." Miles: "Oh. I don't know. They say he's a terrible, charger." — Husband: "Didn't you tell that cook I wanted my breakfast right on the minute?" Wife: "I did." "And what did she say?" "She raid that we all have our disappointments." — Youn'gwad (on honeymoon): "I would like rooms for myself and wife." Hotel Clerk: "'Suite, I suppose?" Y.oungwed : "I should say so ! She's just the sweetest little thing "on earth !" — Seemed Inevitable. — Fond Mother (to schoolmaster) : "Don't you think my boyis bound to make his mark?" Schoolmaster: "I am afraid to. It seems impossible for him to loam to' write." — The Subject (after sitting): "I haven't sat for a portrait for" ten years, you know, •and I'm very glad the worst is over." The -Photographer (innocently enough) : "But i you haven't peen the picture yet !" — Facetious Old Party: "Now, Bobbie, can you tell me why it is that babies are i born without hair?" Bobbie: "Well, ! praps it's to get them used to it against the time they gets as old as you is !" — "Didn't this body of water used to be called the Atlantic Ocean?" asked the tourist. "Oh, yes," responded the old skipper; "but now it is merely a private pond owned by J. Pierpont Morgan." Now forth into the country The summer maidens go ; I"hey seek a quiet hamlet— Also a Romeo. — In Explanation. — Eleanor : "What made you give up society, Edmonia.?" Edmonia: "Oh, I got so tired of seeing people who are nobody trying to act like somebody, and people who are somebody acting lik© : nobody." — As He Thought. — "You are in my pew," ' said Mr Upjohn stiffly. "Then lam sitting I in the seat of the scornful !" replied the • straager, getting out of it with alacrity 1 and taking a seat further back) in the church. | — DAuber: "Tliig is the landscape I wanted you to suggest a title for." Critteek: "H'rn ! rather impressionistic. Why not call it 'Home'?" DAuber: "'Home'? , Why! I . - Critteek :• "Because there's no place like it." j — "You may go," said the magistrate ; "and I advise you, in future, not to threaten your wife." The individual, who had hia head in bandages and his arm in a sling, turnod away solemnly. "An' he gits twelve hundred sovereigns a year fer saying things :iko dat!" — Not Exactly.— Smith : "I see there's a new cashier at the bank. I suppose Harris was discharged." Brown: "Not exactly. They're offering treble his old salary to get him back.' "Ah .' Resigned, eh?" "Not exactly that. They're offering a thousand pounds reward to get him back." — Needed Consideration. — Lady: "Here is a halfpenny. Now, what are you going to do with it?" Tramp: "Ah v mum, I'll faev ter submit that question to the board uv directors uv the 'copper trust.' It wouldn't do ter place all this metal on -ter the market "at once without considerin' the probable consequence*." — Two Irishmen were assisting to unload a ship lying in the harbour of G , and at dinner time, on going to make their tea, one of them cried to the other: "Pat, did you see me can?" "Ha, sure," replied the other, "MacCann's juet gone round the corner." "Begorra, it's not MacCann ; it's me tae can I'm after askin' for." —It Came Natural. — "Your husband," said Mrs Oldcastle, as she again availed herself of the privilege of inspecting the pplondid library of the new neighbours, "seems to have a particularly fine taste for articles of vertu." "Yes," her hostess replied. "I know it. But then it's only natural he should have. John's one of the virtuousest persons — for a man — that I have ever seen." — Professor Wilson, of Edinburgh University, was, some years ago, appointed honorary physician to" the Queen. On the morning of his appointment he informed hie pupila of the honour he had received by means of a blackboard in the. laboratory, thus: "Professor Wilson informe his pupils that he has this day been appointed honorary physician to the Queen." During his • temporary absence from the room, one of the studeni* addeu the words: "God save the Queen." — In the course of the terrible march of the Irish Fusiliers from Dundee to Ladysmith, the men were much fatigued, owing to the rough journey. One man in particular stumbled along as if walking in hia sleep. An officer passed. "Sir, said Michael, "what country is this we're marching over?" "The Natal tableland, my man,'"' was the reply. "Bedad, sir,' said Michael, "I think, the table's turned upside down, and we're walking over 'the legs of it."