FUN AND FANCY. ON A PROPOSED NEW CHURCI7.

Otago Witness, Issue 2528, 27 August 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

ON A PROPOSED NEW CHURCI7.

— Mrs Brown: "At the circus, were you? Did you see the hippodrome races?" Mrs Malaprop: "No, they only had one hippodrome, an' they kept that in a tank of water in a cage."

— Doolan: "Fitzgerald says he's distinded from some of the greatest houses in Ireland." Mulcahy : "Slusha ! So he did, many's a tonne — on a laddher ! "

— "Some men," said Willie Washington, "act like perfect fools when they are in love." — "Ye 3," answered Miss Cayenne, "and a great many more do not wait even for that excuse." To bslieveTs in eld ariorns, Let it now be understood, It isn't that the good die young,

But that the young die good.

— Mrs Wiokwire: "The idea! Here is A story in the paper about a woman suing for £1000 for the less of only a thumb." Mr Wickwire : "Perhaps it was the thumb she kept her husband under."

The Future like a sealed book is, However we may yearn ; The Past is like a borrowed one —

It never will return.

— Hasker: "Halloa, Crabbo, what aro you going to do -nit'i the camera?" Crabbe : "Going to bore an artesian well in our dining room with it. You didn't suppose I was going to talaa pictures, did you?"

.—. — The Sick Man (who is a collector of coins and also ve-ry rich) : "I made my will to-day, DouglaF, and left you my collection of coins." Douglas: "Which one, uncle? T2'<> one in the bank or the ono in the cabinet? "

- — A very plain n;irse was telling a ronvalescenfc enteric patient at the front how bad he hrd bec-n, and how delirious. "Do you know you proposed to me?" she. asked. The patient jumped up, "Was I as delirious as that?"

— Mrs Neighbours : "I advertised for a plain rook last weaV. but I t'.idn't rccei\o a single repl}'." Mrs Nextdoor : "Take rr:y advice and advertise for a goccl-looking kite! en lady, and you'll be overrun with apnlications. ' — A lady was looking for her husband, and inquired anxiously of a housemaid : '"Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?" — "I'm not sure, ma'am," replied tire rnr?ful rlonrstic. "but I think they're in the wa=h."

Movmp : "See the lovely Foliraive engagement rinc Jack pave me. Isn't it a beauty?" Edyth: "It certainly i=. TV/ the way. dear, ■what is Jack's oee-upition"'" Mayine: "He is superintendent of 0 glass factory." Edyth: "Hc-in ! I thought &o." — "This new boap." *i,'d the barber. " >'<? vary nice. Tt is largely made of cream, with just a 'itt!e c!a:h of .VchDl in it."— "Well remember I'm a tempeiafce man," returned Dobbere. "and don't put nny more of it in 11:3' mouth than you ran help." — Clara: "Wef your bazaar a success?" Dora: "Ye=, indeeJl. Tho minister will have cause to lie cratpfni " — "How much v>ns made?" — "Xclhing. Tho receipts were lf&s tlian the expenses. But 16 of us got en<jfcjre'd, and the minister is to perform, the 'ceremonies." '

— "Of course. it'<s a healthy, well-formed baby, Lucy," said the. young fitliev to his isife, as he stood orrr the rrndJo rritirally inspecting his first-bora, "and will be a crr-rlit to the family when it grows older ; 7>ui: Tt's awfully utrly jn6t now." — "Dear little t hinor." rooed a mig^bour who happened to drop 111 a ftw moment's later. "It's the very image of its papa.'' — Two 'btibcs were {ravelling down 'Regent street in closo pioximity. when t'ne conductor of the for<=nio--t one took off his badge and dangled it in the air, to tho ob\ious juirioyaiico of <ho rival driver. "What did you do rhat for?" asked a pa=f=onger. "Why," said the conductor, pointing a derisive thumb at the infuriated driver, " 'is father was 'ung." — A Frenchman wes teaching in a larce school where ho had a reputation for makintr some oucer ir'«takep. Ono day ho was inking a class wh'di was rather disorderly. Vv'liat with the heat and trouMe=omo boys. h^ \va« very snappish. Having punished f •■■••_al boys and sent one to the bottom of t ! " foim.'he at last shouted out in a pasB'.n - "Ze whole cl??s go to ze bottom!"

- The young lawyer in the tram, observing that the hand'omp young lady on the orP''°ito seat wnp loobintr at him very in- *.?>:>♦ !y. and thinking that he nii«ht havp i-^pre«ed her favourably, changed his seat i\ r one l>v her side and lentuied to reTmrk : "H.-ivr-n't I seen you before somewhere?" — "Well," slio replied, "I'm not quite certain, but I tlnuk you aro the man who stole our spoons ! " He jrot out. — - "Professor." said Miss Skylight, "I •want you to suggPst a course in life for me. I have thought of journalism- — " — "What ar'"> your natural inclination-"';"- "Ob. my soul voarns and throbs and puls-.itps with an ambition to give the world a life work thnt shall bp- marvellous in its srope and weirdly entrancing in the vastness of its structural beaurv !" — "Woman, you're born to be a. milliner."

— In a recent trial of a vorv so-rious case of stabbing, the counsel for tbo defence, in cross-examiuine: a young doctor who had gi\ <mi damaging evidence apainffc the prisoner, tried to cliscre-dit liini l>y that even doctors, though on oath, can make mistakes. "For," he observed, "doctors' mistakes are «omrtimes buried 6ft below the oarth." — "Yes." was the crushing Teply, "and lawyers' mistakes are sometimes hung 6ft above it."

— Visitor: '"I would lilce to get you to teach mo to c ail a boat." BoatmatT: "Sail a boat? Why, it's easy as swimmin'. Jesfc gi-asp tl<© mnin-shpet with one hand an' the tiller, with the other, an' if a flaw strikes, ease up or bring 'or to, an' loose the halliards; but look out fer the gaff an' boom. or the hull thine'll be in tho water, an' y»'ll be upset: but if the wind is steady, v'r all right, oiiless y'r too slow in luffin'. 'cause then ye'U be upset pure. Jump right in an' try it ; but. rercsmber, whatever ye do, don't jibe 1 " — The Cake He Wanted. — "I'm going to get married," he said, as ho placed a hand as large as a Dutch cheese upon the counter, "and I want a wedding cake." — "It is customary nowadays," said the- pretty confisofcioner's assistant, "to have the materials of the oake harmonise with _ the calling of the bridegroom. For a musician, now, we have an oafc cake ; for a man who has no calling and lives upon his friends, the spong« oak©; for a newspaper paragrapher, spice cfcke; and so on. What is you callinpr. please?" — " I'm a pugilist ! " — "Then you'll want a pound -cako."

There is no necessity to suffer from coughs and colds while TDSSICURA is available. Qht it

Let her great tower be seen! O build it high! I The storm-tossed sinner's beacon far and ' ueai; Deep-grafted on a Rock, we need not fear Her massy wall will menace passer-by; ' Ko! xathei will her spue that seeks the sky, I And deep-toned bell swung in the ether clear, Speak with a potent voice to them that hear Of their sure refuge, Christ, for ever nigh. Rear high her walls —spare not the costly toil Of skilful hand<3, of cultured brain to plan . So the great powers of evil shall ye foil, , And build a bulwark 'gainst the foe of man ; And while who can for this high work pay dues. The tribute of his prayers let none refuse. —H. J. B. August, 1902.