FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2527, 20 August 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

• — He: "I am told that your admirers' name is legion." She (blusiungly) ; "'Oh, no, his namo is Jones."

— "Well, cook, and what did you think of it?" — "Lor, mum, she sang beautiful — just as if she was a-garglmg."

— Uncle William: "Ye?, Willio; I havo had my nose to the grindstone all my life Willie : "Is that what makes it so red, uncle?"

— "And so they have made up their quarrel?" — "Oh, ye« ! As scon a* sho saw she was wrong she concluded to accept his apology." Concerning modern literature, It has been eadly hmted That less depends on what is writ Than how it's bound and printed.

— Barber: "Your hair is very thin, sir^ Ha^e you tried our special hair wash?" Customer (in a reassur.ng tone) : "Oh, no ; it wasn't that that did it."

— "I can safely say that no man ever attempted to bribe me, gentlemen." Voice in the Crowd : "Don't be down-hearted, old chap; your luck may change." Peaceful business methods oft Succeed where others fail, Yet dentiats and chiropodists Keep fighting tooth and nail.

— Mrs Forrygummerß : "I told Mr Beaoh I was 23, and he said I didn't look; it." Her Loving Husband: "Well, you don't; you haven't looked it for 15 years."

It's strange, but since the world began Men look, yet seldom, learn. They laugh whene'er a fool goes by, And* then are {obis in turn.

— Intelligent Rustic: "Thoy tell me i»i 'ow 'Enery's boy 'as got wounded in the Transvaal." Mrs Gummins : "Lor' a mussy me I And what part of 'im might that be?"

— A little boy was asked by his Sunday School teacher why a certain part of the church va3 called the altar. "Because it is where people change their names," he promptly answered.

"Have you noticed the abstracted air that Brintloy wears?" — "Yes: and I'm afraid it's catching."— Why so?" — 'The last time ho cam© to my room my umbrella was abstracted too."

— Fawle: "When you come to think of it, it's really remarkable how many people trust a doctor." Crosby: "Yes; but don't you think it's even more wonderful how many people a doctor trusts?" — ".Life is one grand, sweet song!" exclaimed the -enthusiastic young lady, soulfully. "Yes," barked out a crabbed old baehtlor, who happened to overhear hor, "but some of in have mighty poor voice." — Reporter: "Can I see ->lrs B. ?" Servant: "She's out, sir." Reporter: "One of the family, then?" Servant: "All out, 6ir." Reporter: "Well, wasn't there a fire here last night?" Servant: "Yes; but that's out too."

Dicky: "Pa, were you a gooder boy'n mo when you were as little as me?"' Pa: '"Yes, indeed, Dicky. I was always a very good boy; but somehow cr other I had a great many serious and painful misunderstandings with my parents." — Beginning at Home.— Mother (severely) : "How dare you take the money from your miosionary box?" Willie: "Didn't you say I was a regular little heathen?" "You arefar wprse." "Well, I was saving the money for tho heathen ; and fkfct come first served."

— "Hamma, I know the gentleman's name that called to see Aunt Ellio last night — and nobody told me, either." — "Well, then, what is it, Bobbie?"— '"Why, (ieorge Dout ! I heard her say 'George Dont' in l?se parlour lour or fiie tunes running. That's what his name is !" — An every-day soldier is walking proudly down- the street, arm-in-arm with his young woman, when ho runs suddenly against his sergeant. He introduces his girl very respectfully to hi;, superior officer: "My sister, sergeant." Tho Sergeant: "That's all right, my boy. She used to be mine, too.'' — Mra Wanterknowe : "I (should like to know, Mr W., why you are so cross when I ask questions? Surely you don't think I have idle curiosity':" Mr Wantorknowe (savagely) : "Idle curiosity ! Great Scot, no! Youis is the most perniciously active, wideawake^ bleeple^, energetic curiosity it waa over my fate to encounter."

— "Have you noticed, " said one, "how fond people are of floral nietaphora when they are speaking of a woman? Her chocks are 'roses, her lips are 'cherry,' her hands are 'lily' hands, her mouth is 'a rosebud,' her complexion is 'like a peach.' " "You'vo forgotten one," said the oynic. '"What's that?" "Her tongue. It's a . 'scarlet

— Customer (returning): "Didn't I giv« you a sovereign just now by mistake for^ a shillingrV" Shopkeeper (positively) : "No. sir." Customer (turning to go) : "Jt isn't of any particular consequence. I had a counterfeit sovereign that % carried simply a? a curiosity. I must have lost it some " Shopkeeper (hastily) : "Wait a moment — perhaps I'm mistaken, I'U look again."

— Some timo ago the Lord-lieutenant of Ireland agreed to attend a certain racs nieetinp, and a carriage was reserved for his Kxcelloncy in the special train fiom _>übhn on the race day. Seeing that the adjoining carriage waa reserved for Ixsrd Ardilaun, of browing famo, a> witty porter toola up a pleca of chalk and wrote upon tho one OR-rriage, "For hi 9 Ex.," and on the othor, "Fob his XX." —A, little girl from a crowded slum waa delightedly telling a _r_e-nu about her new teaoher, "She's just a perfect lady, that's what she is," said tho ohild. "H'm ! How dp you know she's a p&rfecfc lady" questioned her friend. '"You've only known her two days." "It'a easy enough telling," •waa the indignant answer. "I know she's a perfect lady, because she makes me feel polito all the time." —If anyone wants an illustration as to the beauties of peace compared with tho suefden, unstudied emotions of battles, let him read prizefighter Fitzeimmona's dedication to his wife, in his book on physical culture. John I». Sullivan, in hi 3 greatest drama, never reached such, depths of pathos It pictures Mre Fitzsimmons as the gentlest^ sweetest, tendered little spirit that e\er tliis dull earth of oura was blcs a e_ to see It was the same lady who during tho progress of the battle witfi Corbet t shouted wildly, "Bash 'ia bloomin' 'oad off, Bob."

"Wet Paint" we often pee about, And wisely keep our distance ; Advico like that is good, no doubt, And valuable afoistance. But there's cne thing more precious still, Of that you can make sure, Bydriving off your cough or cbill With Woods' Gb__x P_KP_aiuzfT Cube.