About My Office-Boys.

Otago Witness, Issue 2523, 23 July 1902, Page 77

About My Office-Boys.

(By a London Editoe.)

T am told by people who ought to know that the whole tribe of office-boys is gifted with a double dose of original sin ; but I am. inclined to think that the particular specimens with whom I have had to wrestle since I commenced as editor are mostly em, with just some boy to hold it together. The first affliction said his name was Wilfrid, and ho looked like a good boy out of a Sunday School prize. His eyes were large, frank, and met one's own with a look of fearless candour that was worth at least an extra half-a-crown a week ; his hair was golden and curling, and his general appearance neat and respectable in the extreme. His voice, I noticed, was soft and low, an excellent thing in a boy — to misquote him of Stratford -on- Avon. Never shall I forget the time when I first heaid that voice upraised in pleasant converse with one of my most valued contributors.

"Hallo, Maud !" I heard Wilfrid saying pleasantly in the outer office. "Ain't 'awf toffed yourself up, 'aye you? The old man's very busy, but I dessay he'll see you."

There was a disgusting emphasis on the "you," and my hair stood on an end when I heard a reply in the unmistakable tones of Mrs De Plotz, the talented fiction-wr-.ter, who had come to complete negotiations with me for tho serial rights of her forthcoming romance.

A week's notice was the portion of the too-affable Wilfrid, and I had to smooth the ruffled plumes of Mrs De Plotz as best I could. Later on I discovered that the wretched youth had but two forms of address for the softer sex. Every woman under 50 was "Maud," and all over that age were addressed as "Mother." He was equally familiar with my male visitor?. Reginald liOngayre, the celebrated poet — whose "Search for the Silver Siren" is renowned all over two hemispheres — came in fuming to report that Wilfrid had hailed him as "Bill," and volunteered the information that it was "no good trying to touch the old man for 'alf-a-dollar this morning." Altogether Master Wilfrid was much too condescending for us, and he had to remote his brilliant social qualities to another sphere.

To him succeeded Edward. He had not the talent for airy persiflage possessed by Wilfrid, but was a glum and silent youth, addicted to the reading of detective romances. When he became deeply interested in a story he bogan unconsciously to read it in a husky whisper, and the men working in the outer office had to listen to this kind of thing :

" ' 'Ist !' whispered the old sleuth, as 'c pinted to a dark stain on the rich silke-n 'angin'p. It was the stain of blood. 'Now ter confront Hugh de Montgomery with the hcvidenoes of 'is crime ! Can you not 'ear the widow an' the orphans 'c 'as made oryin' aloud?' Editor ain't in now, miss; will yer leave yer name?"

It was the affair of the rejected manuscripts which led to Edward's compulsory retirement. One afternoon he was given a heap of declined MSB., each accompanied by its proper stamped addressed envelope, with instructions to insert eacli MS. into the corresponding cover, and dispatch it. Such a simple task was surely within the capacity even of such as Edward ! Presently, however, letters — some angry, some pathetic — began to arrive at tho office, inquiring after the fato of manuscripts pent in months before. There was an investigation. It then appeared that Edward had disposed of hia responsibilities by the simple process of throwing all the MSS. into the waste-papor baskets, and tearing off the stamps from the envelopes, the which he afterwards traded for cigarettes.

William's way with declined manuscripts was even more original than Edward's. Instead of despatching the rejected efforts to their authors, he picked out such addresses from the directory as su*t-ed his fancy. Thus, bewildered citizens kept writing to me. saying that they were at a loss to know why a manuscript had been forwarded to them, as they had never attempted to contribute to the paper, and nover inte-nded to. One ruffian went so far as to say that, until receiving our parcel, he did not know that there was such a periodical as ours in existence. So William followed Edward into the Unknown, and once more my advertisement invited replica from smart boy^ — "juat left school preferred " When I lighted upon Sydney I imagined that at last the ideal office-boy was forthcoming. Sydney was bright, alert, intelligent, and respectful. He was something of a dandy in his small way, took great care of his clothes, wore a stand-up collar, and ■was never without a flower of some sort in his button-hole.

Soon I began to notice Sydney wa» always very nush of money. He lunched expensively — that is to say, having regard to the ten shillings a week which was all his wage — and- his pockets were always full of cigarette?. When I found out that ho was buying choico "sprays" foi the young lady at the tea-shop I began to wonder. It was not long before the mystery was cleared up. I discovered that letters addressed to "Sydney , Esq.." and bearing the names of West End theatres, had been arriving at the office for some time paht. The young scoundrel had bec-n using the office notepaper on which to apply for free tickets for theatres and music- halh. which he sold for les? than their fate \ alue to his acquaintances.

The next trial, who rejoiced in the name of Eli, wa.= free from the criminal practices that marred the careers of «ome of his forerunner**, but he had an incurable fault which compelled me reluctantly to part with him.

This was a fixed idea that I wa« panting to see anybedv and everybody who called at tho office. He had no notion of bringing in a. visitor's card If I wa« in. the caller, •without any waiting, was bundled straight into my room I need linrdlv enlarge on thp complication? to which tins pleasing delusion of Eli's gave rise. Every bore and crank) who infests Fleet street went about singing my praises as "such an accessible anan" ; and the nuisance grow to such a pitch that, after repeated nttempts to drill more reasonable ideas into Eli's head. I had to tell him we would try to struggle along without him. Tho next boy I employed was a conscientious, intelligent youth, with literary leanings, and a desire to improve himself. Soon after he consented to shed the clear white light of his intellect over our office I found myself always finding fault with the printers. Words and phrases appeared in the paper that, I was certain, were never intended to ; and one day the foreman, goaded to madness by my reproaches, nro-

duced a bundle of proofs. Then things were made plain. I had employed the boy to carry the slips back to the printers, and he had evidently been in the habit of reading them on the way, and saving me trouble, as he thought, by correcting them after a system of his own. That boy was so full of intelligence that it overflowed. So I pointed out to him how dangerous it was for one of tender years to think for himself, told him that I did most of the thinking that was required in that office, and bade him farewell.