FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2516, 4 June 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— Before marriage a man considers his Ibsst girl a little dear; aftei marriage he usually considers her a little extravagant. — Clerk of the Court: "Owen Doherry! Are you Owen Doherry V" Prisoner (with a merry twinkle in his eyes) : "Yes, begorra, Tin owin' everybody."

— Husband : "After all, civilisation lias its. drawbacks. People in the savage state seldom get ill." Wife (sweetly) : "I wonder if that's the reason you are so healthy?" — "The young men ' of England are the backbone of the British Empire," said tin orator recently. "What we must do is to train that backbone and bring it to the front."

— Magistrate: "L> the prisoner known, constable?" Constable : "Yes, he'a well known to the police, your worship." Prieoner (savagely) : "Gam! I ain't on speakin' terms with none o' yer !''

— Little Boy: "Isn't fathers queer?" Auntie: "In what way?" Little Boy: "When a boy does anything for his pa he doesn't get anything, but if another man's !boy does it he gets a penny." — "That editor is terribly slow at reading manuscript." "Think so? Why, I know the time he went throxigh -six stories in Ic^s than- a minute." "Gracious ! When was that?" "When the lift broke."

— "My Queen I" exclaimed her adorer. timidly, "may I- kiss the royal hand" "My faithful subject," replied the young woman, with the air of one gently chiding him, ■*'wha.t is the matter with the royal lips?"

— Careful Housekeeper: "Have you toiled the drinking trater?" Faithful Servant: ''Yes'm." "And sterilised the milk?" "Yes'm. "What is this in the soup?" "Oh, that isn't no microbe, mum. That is only a cockroach."

— The Sweet Young Thing: "Then you •would not a-dvi3e two brunettes to marry?" The Wily Fortune Teller: "No; unless the lady is taller or shorter than the gentleman, or vice versa. In that case it does not matter in the least."

— A lady was looking for her husband, and inquired anxiously of a housemaid : "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?" "I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they're in the wash." — Parson (who has just arrived for the fhvt tiem at his jiow country living) : "I f-ay. porter, my arrival s.eems to have caused a- great deal of excitement in the village." Porter: "Yes sir: but it's nowt to when llie dancing bear was here yesterday.'

— At a meeting where a board of directors was being condemned for bad management, a speaker in defence said: "Perhaps you think that in this board of directors half do the work and half do nothing. A? a matter of fact, gentlemen, the reverse is tlie case." — A lawyer was about tc furnish a bill of costs the other day when his client, a fcakisr. said: "I hope that you will make it as lipht as possible." "Ah," said the lawyer, '"you might perhaps say that to the foreman of.youi establishment, but that is not the. Wav I make my bread." — Enthusiastic 'but short-sighted) Lady Artist: "My (?ood man, wliat are those beautiful waving obieots near those tr*eg. rivalling the latter themselves in grace and beauty of outline, making such a beautiful variety in the landscape, and seeming to Jiang: 'twixt «arth and heaven?" Labourer (gruffly) : "Shirts." — One business man met another in the t-treet. The second rnnii seemed downcast, and had a look as if he wfrc somewhat ashamed of himself. "What h the matter?" asked the first man. "Well, to put it briefly," said the other. "I have been speculating in stocks." "\YVre you a ' bull ' or a 'bear'?" "Neither — T was an ass.'

— An Irish soldier had distinguished himso'f i>i an engagement at the front, and w'»on the battlp was m-pr the commanding „„„{. f — !,; )T1 "Which will you tflke, the V.C. or £5?" asked the general. "What is t'<o value of the cross?" Pat asked. "One shilling," was the reply. "Sure and I'll ta':e the V.C. and £4 195," Pat answered. — Employer: "You are having a decided flirtation with the girl who has charge of the telephone- exchange?" Truthful Clerk (with cold chills running up and down his spine, and with visions of instant discharpe): "Y-e-e-s. sir: but, please, bir — — " Employer: "Well, keep it ud. She will give more attention to >ur calls if you do." — f hore is a good Lobby story of a member of Parliament who was much pestered by a correspondent desiring to have from him full details of the arrangements of a certain lunatic asylum whose efficiency had been questioned. The member replied aa follows: "Dear Sir, — The asylum at A is excellent. You will find it very comfortaWe.*' — The militiaman was undergoing an examination for a non-commissioned officer. '•What do the army regulations make the first requisite in order that a man may be buried with military honours?" wa3 ( the question, fired .at him. "Death.' he promptly responded. And after mature reflection the examining committee held that lie was right. —An Irishman sued another for kilnne his dog. "Did you kill the dog. Murphy? a*ked the judge. "I did, ver honor; but I'll make him prove it." The judge then turned to the plaintiff. "What was your So? worth, Dennis?" "Never a halfpenny wa=; he worth, yer honor ; but, be jabers, I'm going to make him pay the full value of the baste." — ''What is you impression of modem fiocietv?" asked the old-time friend. "Well, wag the answer, "I wouldn't like to have you mention it to mother or the girl!"; but nnv impression is that society " is a place where a man who has worked his way up in thft world from nothing to a millionaire is likely to get snecicd at because he can't play ring-pong."

In the Dolomite Mountains three wonipn lost their way in a -nowstorm, ai:d were found frozen together .in a stone-hko group. They had to bo laid in a sledge together and dragged iuto the valley and "thawed in front of a great file before they coirid be separated for burial.

Valuable Discovert yob the Hatr.— lf your hair is turning grey or white, or falling off, u«o " The' Mexican Hair Renewer," for it will positively reiiort in every case Grey or White hair to its original colour, without leaving the disagreeable smell of most " ReBtorers." It makes the hair charmingly toeautiful, as well as promoting the growth of the hair on bald spots, -where the glands are not decayed. Ask your Chemist for "The Mexican- Hair Renewer," sold by Chemists and Perfumers everywhere. "Wholesale depot, 33 Fairington road, London,