FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2515, 28 May 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

—It is a thankless world. A man gets no credit when he pays cash. — He: "It is a pleasure to meet a woman who has a sense of humour." She : " B_ut really one doesn't need a sense of humour to laugh, at the things you say." — Fond Mother (to teacher) : " Don't you think my boy is bound to make his mai k ? " Teacher: "I am afraid so. It seems impossible for him to learn to write." — "What do you think, James?'' remarked Mrs Newwife. " Mother says she wants to be cremated." — "All right," replied her husband quickly. "Tell her to get her tilings on and I'll take her along now." — Little Freddy: "Please, Mr Druggist, papa wants some sticking-plaister. and mamma wants a bottle of china cement.'" Druggist: "Very well. What's wrong?" Freddy: "Mamma hit papa with the sugar bowl." — He: "And did you see Monte Carlo whilst you were at Nice?" She: '*I\o: papa called on him, I believe, but from his disappointed appearance when he returned to the hotel I think Mr Carlo must have been out.' 1 — Dr Smiley (who has been presented with a fountain pen by bis Sunday school clas*) : " Thau'k you, my dear young ladies : I am sure I shall be "able to write a great deal better sermons now." Feminine Chorus: " Oli, "I ani sure you will." A young lady bought a bouquet. And thought she would give it awv.et To a very smart beau, For he really was seau Enchanting, delightful, a.nd guot. —An Irishman who was to undergo a trial in court was being comforted by bis priest. " Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy; take my word for it, you'll get justice."—" Troth, your reverence," repl'cd Dennis, in an undertone, " and that's just what I'm afraid of." — "Grandma, what is curry? —'A highly-spiced dish which is much usocl in East India."—" It must be dreadful hot, isn't it, grandma? "—" Yes, Willie, it's rather hot."— "l thought it was, "cause pa told Uncle Ben this morning that you were peppery enough to season a curry." — "' You should get your ears lopped. O'Brien," said a "smart" tourist to an Irish peasant whom he was quizzing ; "they're too large for a man." — "An' bedad," replied the Hibernian, " I was just think-in' yours would want to be made larger; sure they're too small for an ass." — Father: "I spoke to the young man you, wish to marry to-day, Kate, and I must confess that I was not favourably impressed. He seems utterly lacking in will power ! " Kate : " True, but his father has enormous will power," and he is an only son, and I think I can supply the domestic want ! " — Two young ladies were talking the other day about a third who had just become engaged to a. widower who plays the cornet and has four children. '' What could be worse," exclaimed one, ".than four children and a cornet?" — "Nothing," said the other, " except, perhaps, six children and a trombone." A little pain, a little pleasure, A little heaping irp of treasure: Then no more, gazing upon the- sun. All things must end that have begun. - Where is the time for hope or doubt? A puff of the wind, and life is out ; A turn of the wheel, and rest is won. All things must end that have begun. — John- Payne. —An officer concluding a visit to Ireland was bidding farewell lo an attendant. " Good-bye, Pat." — " Good-bye, yer honor. May Hiven bless ye, and may every hair in yer head be a candle to light ye to glory." — " Well, Pat," replied the officer, showing -him a bald pate, " when that day comes there won't be much of a torchlight procession." —At a country smoking concert a certain young man, with a better opinion of his own vocal powers than his audience, had volunteered a song, and did not get an encore. When he had finished, an old friend, remarked: "Well, lad, I'm not blaming" thee; thou'st done thy test, but if I 'knew the chap as asked thee to sing,, I'd crack his stoopid head." —It happened in a little church out West, where the motive power for the organ comes from, the strong arms of an industrious negro. At a recent service the choir got into trouble, and while confusion reigned the organ 6uddenly stopped. The situation was not relieved when a hoarse whisper came from behind the organ and floated out into the auditorium. It said, "Sing like t'under! De beller3 is busted ! " — It was one of Smith's little weaknesses to appear to be in a better position lhan was really the case. One- day he took his eldest son for a walk, and permitted him to play with some other boya while h« read the paper. On the way home Smith inquired : "What were you talking about to those boys?" "Oh!" replied the boy, "I was telling them that you were oui foot man. I did it to keep up appearances, you know."' A. Scottish gentleman had an ancient valet named Gabriel, whose petulance and license of speech went so far as to be intolerable. One day at dinner Gabriel took the liberty of calling something said "a great lee." — " Well," said the laird, really offended, and rising from the table, " thi* will do no longer. We must part at last."' " Hout, tout 1 " replied Gabriel, pre&sing his master into the chair. " Wbar wad yer honor be better aff than in yer am boose? " — A minister of the Episcopal Church of America was much abused for intolerance and bigotry. The story was that he had dragged his wife away from a revival meeting and forced her to go home with him. He 3et the story travel until he had a fair ohance of giving it a broadside. Here is his reply: — "In the first place, I never attempted to influence my wife in her views or in her choice of a meeting. Secondly, my wife has never attended any revival meetings. Thirdly, I have not myself attended any of these meetings for any purpose whatsoever. To conclude, neither my wife nor myself have any inclination to go to such meetings. Finally, I never nad a wife."

"Wet Paint" we often see about, And wisely keep our distance; Advice like that is good, no doubt, And valuable assistance. But there's one thing more preciom still, Of that you can make sure, By driving off your cough or chill ttth JVftQBS.' fiBIAT fsrfXBUIXT CPRE,